


Faithful

by HoloPumpkin



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood and Injury, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Developing Relationship, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Drunken Confessions, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Multi, Murder, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Relationship(s), Self-Harm, Sex, Smut, Snapshots, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vaginal Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 09:42:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 74,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22293943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoloPumpkin/pseuds/HoloPumpkin
Summary: Christoph's life has always been terrible and one day it's just too much for him. He decides to finish it all but what will happen on the bridge when an unexpected passerby chooses the same flyover as his way back home?
Relationships: Richard Kruspe/Till Lindemann, Till Lindemann/Christoph Schneider
Comments: 53
Kudos: 158





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!  
> I've finally decided to post my first fanfiction on this website and honestly, I'm still nervous about it but also very thrilled. 
> 
> I probably woudn't have published it if it hadn't been for wonderful komtess_ironie, who has been encouraging me to write it and show it to the world since I told her about my idea (go and check her profile too). 
> 
> What can I say more? Enjoy the story! I hope you'll like it.

  
Chapter I

Christoph is coming back from a shop and with a glance at the sky he can tell it’s going to rain heavily soon. He lets out a sigh, knowing his home isn’t far from where he is now, only ten minutes left until he walks into that gloomy and awful place again. He rubs his temples at the smallest thought of it because he has no reasons to be coming back there again and again, except for one thing. The reason being his poor ill mother who barely has a contact with the world around her. He’s the only one who cares for her, his father only brings little money to help their situation. Christoph would go to work, he’d do anything to have more money if only he didn’t have to look after his mother all day long. She might not have much contact with others but she surely needs constant supervision and Christoph just can’t leave her alone like this. Maybe she wasn’t always the perfect mother but at least she was better than his father. Now, she’s also great, she doesn’t even complain because she’s simply not able to do it anymore. Christoph pities her but what can he do? Try to be the best son for her, as he’s always been doing so. 

A strong blow of wind pulls him out of his mind, for he has to zip his jacket, not to get cold. His father would freak out if his son wasn’t able to do anything, especially care about his mother. A cold shiver runs down Christoph’s spine at the thought.   
He steps faster and finally arrives at his house. He locks the door behind him and takes off his outside clothes. He hopes that his mother is still asleep, he left her for only 30 minutes. He takes the bags to the old kitchen and unpacks them, the items being the simplest food and medicine for Christoph’s mother. He’s glad his father brings the salary today because there’s only few marks left in his wallet. 

After everything is set in its place in the kitchen, he goes to his mother’s room to check on her. He’s relieved that nothing happened while he was gone and that she’s still asleep. He leaves the door to her room open, so that he’ll hear when she wakes up. He can sit back for a while, after that he’ll start preparing dinner for her and for his father. And himself.

The short break turns into a one-hour long, dreamless nap. He wakes up suddenly, nervous, and rushes straight to his mother’s room. She’s woken up. He quickly approaches her bed, still half-asleep, but somehow still conscious of the situation. He helps his mother have a sip of water, then tells her that he’ll be gone to the kitchen to make her favourite meal. She nods slightly, he’s happy that she understands what he’s saying to her. Recently, he’s seen that slight improvement in her state, but it’s literally the slightest thing. He comes back to his aim – to make dinner. He washes his dry hands and enters the kitchen to get to work. While he’s preparing all the necessary ingredients, he looks outside the window – it’s already begun to rain. And it’s sure it won’t stop any soon. He hangs his head down, he knows his father will be angry because of the rain when he comes back home. Still, Christoph hopes he won’t but it’s almost impossible.

After a quarter he hears the door unlocking. He prepares himself for the upcoming argument, that’s surely unavoidable. He notices his father with the corner of his eye, who peeks into the kitchen, then disappears behind the corner. Strange, but Christoph doesn’t comment, he waits for the situation to develop. His father’s steps are clearly audible, Christoph gulps as he hears him going back to the kitchen. 

“Mother’s asleep,” he says without any emotions.

“Good,” Christoph replies, not even looking at him. 

His father murmurs something under his nose, then sniffs.

“No money today,” he announces.

“Why?” Christoph asks dryly.

“Not your business,” father snaps quietly.

Christoph shrugs, not wanting to be involved in this conversation anymore. While he’s still busy with the food, his father starts searching for something in the fridge. He seems not to be contented with the products inside of it.

“Where’s my vodka? Or beer?” he questions angrily.

“In a shop.” 

His father looks suspiciously at his son, the fire of anger igniting inside him. 

“What do you mean?” He hisses, walking over to him.

“We haven’t got money for this, I had to buy food, not booze for you,” Christoph replies, still not lifting his head, his jaw clenching from the tension that’s building between them. 

“Food, you say? Maybe if you’d bought less, you’d have had money for something for your father.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to you if you don’t drink.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to you if you eat less.”

His father’s stone-cold voice makes him gulp. He can sense this isn’t going to end now, he knows it’ll escalate quickly and the results might be terrible. He has to face it though, because what else can he really do? There’s no escape and his father’s close, threatening stance next to him is only making it worse for him. He needs to stay strong… but for whom? 

“Look at me, you piece of shit!” The harsh voice finally makes him move and he obeys, looking straight into his father’s fiery eyes. 

“What do you want from me? I do everything to help my mother but you-”

“You’re talking back to your father, turd. You’re gonna regret this. But first, what more do you expect? I bring you money and the only thing you have to do is do what I want. Which part of it don’t you understand?” He snaps, rage slowly boiling in him.

Christoph swallows hard and clenches his fists to gather all his brave and answer this insult.

“You bring money? What did you say when you came in? You have no money because you spend it on alcohol and god knows on what else! You’re a fucker! I make dinners, I go shopping, I look for my mother, I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember and you’re telling me I can eat less? That I expect too much from you?” Christoph shouts straight into his face, his fingernails digging painfully into his hands, his insides trembling, but he keeps his strong position. 

“Did you just dare to insult your own father? And why the fuck are you talking about your mother, no one needs her anymore, no one cares but you! You’re a fool, my son, fucking stupid fool whom you’ve always been. Naive. Gullible. Weak. You’re the biggest disappointment of my life, Christoph.” He shudders, his face a disgusted grimace. “Even your name makes me flinch. I wish you’d never been born, you’ve always been the problem, you’ve always been and you will always be one. Little, weak creep, who has no friends. Mother will never be well again. That time is gone. You’re not a small boy anymore, time to grow up. This is life. And I am the breadwinner. You are only a guest here. I don’t need you or your mother. She’ll die anyway. You can say goodbye to her, you’re no longer going to take care of her. I do not need you, piece of shit. You are nothing and no one will ever need you. You’re a burden for this world. It’d be a better place without you,” he comments, poison soaking from his words, a sly smile on his face, his body relaxed and confident. 

The words make Christoph’s guts twist, break his heart into the smallest pieces, tear his soul apart, boil the rushing blood in his veins, cause immense rage and depression, make his head drown with the overflowing feelings. He hears his father’s hateful voice through a veil, a wall, he almost can’t make up what he’s saying to him. He can’t believe he’s finally had the guts to say this, for Christoph has known deep inside that that’s what his father thinks of him. He’s just said the truth and Christoph knows it. He knows he’s worthless, unlovable, weak, weird, a freak, a fool, an asshole, a piece of shit. He knows he can’t help his mother, he’s powerless, he can’t breathe and his head is dizzy. He’s feeling as if he was to pass out but he knows that now is the time when he has to show his father that he’s not weak, even though Christoph is certain that this is what he really is like. He’s sure he’s nothing, a worthless nothing, which is only a problem for everyone. He knows no one will miss him when he’s gone, even his mother will not notice. She’ll die as soon as Christoph leaves. Or his father will kill her, just as he’d like to kill his own son. The hate is beaming from him, there’s nothing more than contempt. 

Christoph glares at his contented father, whose face is shining with joy that surely comes from destroying his son mentally. Is he even his son? He’s nothing to him, a burden, a hindrance. A negative thing in his life.

Christoph loses his temper and goes at his father, who completely didn’t predict that. He manages to let out a short curse before Christoph punches him, loudly breaking bones in his jaw and knocking two teeth out. His face lands on the counter next to him, blood running from his mouth fast, down onto the cold stone surface. He coughs, grabbing his injured face, while Christoph is standing there with pain, regret and fury in his eyes, his fists still clenched, nails so deep in his flesh, that blood started dripping from his hands. He doesn’t care, he approaches his disoriented father and grabs him by the hair to lift his bloody face up.

“I hate you,” are the words he hisses to him before smashing his head against the counter, making him pass out and slide down onto the floor, staining it with the warm fresh blood. Christoph stares at his work, blood now dripping well from his hands, down to the floor. He’s breathing heavily, a million thoughts rushing through his mind. Did he kill his own father? He doesn’t know. He hopes he did it. He needs to leave. Quickly. 

With his muscles still flexed and jaw painfully clenched, he swiftly grabs a small knife from the counter with his red and hurting hands, then almost runs to the hall to slip on his jacket. He hides the knife in one of the pockets. His heart rate’s so fast, that it feels as if it was about to burst from his chest, from his heavy lungs working so hard, yet seemingly drawing so little air. His head is full of doubts, he doesn’t know what to do and at the same time he knows it too well. He has to run away, he has to leave and never come back. He won’t see his father or his mother again, he wants to forget about those lost 26 years of his life. He just wants to forget. 

Yet, there’s one thing he can’t leave without. He steps to the door of his mother’s room, it’s closed. His father must’ve done that. He opens it quietly and sees his mother fast asleep. He’s happy that at least she didn’t hear anything. He mouths a silent goodbye to her and then, with tears pooling in his eyes, he storms out of his house, straight into the dark, wet, and cold world. It’s still raining heavily, the sun has already set, the only light coming from old and not very efficient street lamps. The wind is not blowing as much as before but the drops of water are like daggers of self-hate, ripping his skin every time they touch his bare injured hands, his tensed jaw, or hit straight into his red and already watery eyes. There’s no way to tell how much of the water on his face comes from rain and his tears, even though they’re running down his cheeks like a wild mountain stream. 

He keeps running. Running from his home, his family, his life, his memories, his pain, his sorrow, himself. Despite persistently trying, he can’t run away from his thoughts, from his devastated soul, from his ripped apart heart. He can’t run away from his self-hatred, from the crime he’s committed, from the filth that’s all over his mind and body. His eyes are burning from the tears, his hands hurt from what he’s done to himself, his teeth can’t stand any more pressure, the pain becomes unbearable. He knows it’s not enough, he knows he doesn’t deserve any good, he’s not there to experience joy, for sorrow and regret has been his whole life. He doesn’t mean anything, he knows it. He is nothing and he has no one. He is alone with his aching heart and self-loathing. 

He stops running to catch another heavy breath. His eyes fiery, stinging, while a hot river of tears is flowing down his cheeks, mixing with the cold rain meeting his heated skin. He looks up at the blackest sky he’s ever seen, even street lamps aren’t making it any lighter. He knows this is it. He’s had enough of his father, of his mother, of his life, of his home, of his thoughts, of himself. He craves for the end. For the end of the pain, sorrow, memories and regret. He knows it all will end soon, this is what he’ll take care of now. Because there’s nothing that matters to him. And his life doesn’t matter either. 

The vision of the closest flyover pops up in his head. This is the solution, this is it, this is going to finish his problems, and the problem itself being him. He rubs his tired eyes, making them sting even more but he hopes for it to be the one of the last pains in his life. With the strongest urge to finally feel the relief, he heads for the flyover, the bridge that’ll bring him peace. He’s running, again, not caring about his soaking wet clothes, the cold that’s tightly clinging onto his body, the puddles of mud and water he’s stepping into. It all doesn’t matter, only the flyover does. This is his saviour. This is the way it has to be. He has no other choice. He doesn’t see any more sense in his life, so why should he continue it?  
  
Despite the hesitation, fear and doubts, he’s convinced to finally put an end to it all. He ignores the thoughts of disagreement to his decision, he mutes them, throws out, locks up in the furthest drawer. His heartbeat quickens as he’s approaching the bridge, as he’s making his first steps on it. He slows down, getting closer and closer to the middle of the bridge. How lucky he is that not many people use this road, especially when it’s so dark. There are no cars and there is little light there. It’s only him, the darkness and the falling rain. Nothing and no one to stop him now. There are only factors convincing him more and more that this is the correct decision, that this should be done to make the world better, to get rid of this useless human being whom he is. There’s nothing that can make him stay here, in this place, in his skin, in his body and in his mind. He wants to go away, to set free from all this, from the pain that’s burning his cheeks with every tear that runs from his eyes.

The time has come. He’s there, standing on the edge of the bridge, a road far below his position, and far enough to end it all. He’s determined to do this, one swing forward will finally finish his lifelong suffering. What it takes is to release the rail and just let gravity do its job. He is afraid, of course, but he knows the pain will be short. He knows that he’ll be free after it’s done. This is what he craves for. A break for his tired lungs, drawing the sharpest breaths now. A relief for his aching, broken heart. A redemption for his destroyed soul. A peace for his mind. 

The vision seems wonderful and he knows this is the only solution. With his eyes tightly shut, he lets go of the rail keeping him in the reality and tilts forwards.

He thought nothing could stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think about my work in the comments, let me find out how's my writing!
> 
> I'll try to publish chapters quite regularly, although it depends on how much free time I have.
> 
> My tumblr: thislovelyoptimist


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to make things a bit less sad, right?

Chapter II

Till has just finished his work for today. It was his last one and he can finally go home now, it’s already got dark and it’s started to rain heavily. The weather doesn’t seem friendly and the way home isn’t short from here, since the city almost ends in this place and turns into suburbs. No way he can catch a bus or anything, it never comes here at this hour, even though it’s just late afternoon. In addition, he wouldn’t like to waste money on tickets, he can’t afford it, for his jobs don’t provide him as much money as he’d like. They’re not full-time and he’s already tried full-time jobs, they’re not for him. In all honesty, these daily, casual jobs he takes aren’t anything fantastic but are surely better than the full-time ones. Still not satisfying enough, not fulfilling enough, not good enough.

A kind and adorable old lady thanks him for repairing her leaking tap in the kitchen, a simple thing but she can’t be more grateful. She calls him her “dearest boy”, whom she even offers dinner, and he’s too polite to refuse. A cute old lady is elated to see him consume the meal with a satisfied and contented grimace on his face. Of course she wants him to have the second helping but it’s really high time he went back home. He’s still got quite a long way to go, what’s more, it’s still raining and he’s on the other side of the city. Oh how he wishes he could stay in this warm house with the cosy atmosphere forever. Some stability in his miserable life would definitely help. 

The solution to this might seem simple – a full-time job. Yet, to him, more stability is given by those daily jobs he takes, because they’re more… peaceful. No chaos, no noise, mostly polite old ladies with sweets or dinners to offer, apart from the payments. Safety. Warmth. Peace. Silence. Almost complete lack of annoying people, those annoying young people who think they can do anything they want to. 

He sighs at these thoughts, as if he wasn’t also a young man, as if a 28-year-old man was old. But he’s not stupid like “the youth” today, they’re not as experienced, they think life is only wine and roses. It’s not. They don’t know it. He does. But he hopes they’ll someday find out about this, about the cruelty of life. If he doesn’t deserve a really decent life, why should others do? If that’s the justice of the world, so be it. Life isn’t full of fun and joy, quite the contrary, it’s the most miserable thing in this world, this stinking human existence. 

Except for those lovely old women. They do deserve happiness, for they do no harm. 

Sadly, he has to leave and he does so, even though the old lady tells him to wait until it stops raining or at least gets calmer. He’s stubborn, he knows that if he doesn’t go out now, he won’t be able to do soon because this place feels so good, almost like his dream home, which he’ll surely never have. Not in this lifetime. In this lifetime he can now get soaking wet clothes and a runny nose on the next day. 

He braces himself, thanks the old lady for her wonderful hospitality and gets his payment. The woman invites him to another dinner, no specific time given. He sends her a warm soft smile and considers really coming back. Everything seems better than going out now. But what else can he do? He needs to get home at last, so with the last wave of his hand, he walks out into the pouring rain. He steps into the darkness of the world, the deafening silence is being broken by the deafening sound of the drops of water falling onto the ground. The water feeling like daggers on his scarred face, the hood of his jacket not helping him much. He swears under his breath but still has no other choice than to keep on walking. How he wishes he was at home now, in a dry and (quite) warm room, not outside, in the middle of a downfall. 

Yes, the only things that are on his mind are complaints about the weather now. 

He’s finally closing in to the flyover, finally some city lights can be seen nearer. He lets out a sigh of relief, moreover, the rain seems to be ceasing, but maybe it’s just his imagination? Never mind. What is important is to get home, get changed into dry clothes and take some rest. He begins to walk faster but when he’s in the middle of the bridge, he notices some shape moving with the corner of his eye. He ignores it at first but then feels tempted to look around and see what’s happening. 

After a while of staring, he can tell that the shape belongs to a man. A man close to the rails, and the edge of the bridge. Very close to the edge. _Too close_. 

In a second, a thousand scenarios rush through his mind. He can’t really make up the situation at first – who is that man? Why is he standing there? Is he a lunatic? What is he doing? What…? Why…? …

The questions don’t seem to end, but the time – does. Till knows that it’s just a question of time until something, probably, bad happens and he knows well that whatever it is, he has to prevent it from coming true. He considers the situation quickly again, and thinks about each choice he can now make. He’s never had to make up his mind so fast. 

He sees the man tilting forwards slowly, ready to fall down, so he doesn’t waste any more time and just rushes to the rails to do something. There’s no thinking now, there’s an instinct. He can’t leave it now, he can’t stop running until his urge to help is satisfied. Until he reaches that man. Until he catches him. Until he helps, does something good. Until he sees the effects of his effort. 

Holding his breath, he’s finally approached the stranger and just when he lets go of the rails, Till grabs him by the hand firmly, almost causing pain. The man gasps sharply out of surprise, out of fear, out of unexpected contact, that isn’t the one he’d make with cold and wet asphalt. He opens his eyes immediately, they’re still burning from the amount of tears that is flowing out of them, draws a fierce breath and leans backwards, just where the other man’s hand is pulling him. His back meets the rail, his chest heaving, his heart beating rapidly, his head dizzy and disoriented. What’s happened? Where is he? Still on the bridge? Is he dead? No, it can’t be. He’s still here, on this world, his existence and confusion a heavy burden on his mind and soul. He’s trembling, out of cold and wild emotions running all over him. Overloading him. 

After a minute, which seems like the whole eternity, he dares to look back, at the man who’s still holding him tightly. His weary red eyes are sparkling with tears, fright and embarrassment. He’s uncertain, he doesn’t know what is going to happen now, he doesn’t know why this stranger didn’t leave him be, didn’t let him… die. He can’t believe it, he’s just staring at him for another moment, scanning the other man’s face, his features, his slightly scared but relieved look. Till doesn’t let him go and he won’t do it until the man walks over the rail and is relatively in a safer position. He glances at the road beneath him again, feeling the stranger’s grip on his hand tighten. He shivers. He shakes his head and then comes back to the safe part of the bridge, with the other man’s help. He immediately hangs his head down as the stranger lets his hand go. They’re both bewildered, they don’t know what to say or do. They can’t really think straight now.

Only sound of the falling rain is audible now. 

“What have you done?” Christoph finally whispers shakily, not looking at the stranger, gaping at the ground. 

“I…” Till starts but is immediately interrupted.

“How could you…? You see, I’m so pathetic that I can’t even kill myself. Why did you do that? Why did you help me? I didn’t need it. I wanted to end it and you ruined it. I’ve got nothing in this world, and now you’re taking this one right decision of mine from me…” Christoph barks, his breathing unsteady. “What the fuck did you think?! You should’ve let me do it, let me die! This is what I deserve!” He lifts his head up and finally looks into the other man’s eyes, with sheer disappointment in his own ones. “Because no one needs me and I am nothing! I am just nothing and there’s no reason for me to live and it’s all so fucking useless and pointless and…” 

He doesn’t finish for he begins to sob uncontrollably, tears streaming down his cheeks wildly again, his whole existence shivering, and aching, his being so miserable. Before he cries his soul out, he can unexpectedly feel huge and warm arms embracing him and pulling him close to the other man’s chest. Christoph is shocked and continues to cry painfully, straight into the stranger’s shoulder, wetting his already soaked jacket. Christoph coughs dryly, being unable to stop himself from shaking and sobbing and whining. Being unable to stop thinking about how pitiful and awful he is, how pointless his whole life is, how much of a retard he is that he can’t even finish with himself. How much of a shame he is that a stranger is holding him in his arms while he’s crying his soul out, letting the whole world know what a pathetic being he is. 

Christoph finally seems to be calming down, yet his weak sobs and heavy breaths are still clearly audible. Yes, they both have been standing here a while, Till hasn’t said a word not to make it all worse. They still don’t know each other and this is a very uncomfortable situation for them. 

“What… What will happen now? You’re going to take me to a nuthouse or to the police? If that’s what you want to do, then let me die, please…” Christoph sniffs and mutters the words into the other man’s jacket. Utterly ashamed. And scared. And confused. 

“No one’s dying today,” Till carefully answers, as calmly as he can. “And no one’s going to a nuthouse or a police station.”

“So what?” Christoph snaps, resigned. 

“I…” Till hesitates for a moment. “I will take you home.”

“I won’t go back there.”

“I was talking about _my_ home.”

“I don’t want to be a bigger burden than I am now. Leave me alone. Forget about me and about what happened. Please,” Christoph whispers, shame burning him from the inside. 

“No way. I can’t leave you now, I could never forget myself if I did that. You’re coming with me. You need rest and sleep. And a lot of warmth.”

Christoph is so resigned that he doesn’t even try to argue, he takes it as it is. Till pulls away from him and Christoph looks down instantly. He’s feeling so bad and vulnerable now, but he follows the man anyway. Through the rain they both go, with Christoph slightly behind Till. Despite this, Till keeps an eye on him all the way to his place, Christoph hiding away from his sorry but piercing look all the time. He can’t get rid of that one nagging thought, that keeps repeating him what a failure he is, what a nothing he is that he can’t kill himself. Even this was hard for him. He can’t comprehend why he’s still alive, why that man has helped him, why he had to be on the flyover at that time. Why couldn’t he pass it 10 minutes later when it was all over? Why did he have such a bad luck to have been found by that stranger? 

The whole way to Till’s place is silent, neither of them dares to say a word. Neither of them wants it, probably. At last, they arrive at their destination. The flat is in a terraced house, it’s not the biggest one but cosy enough for one man. Well, since now – two men. 

As they enter it, Till switches the lights on and they both can finally see each other well. Christoph doesn’t use it though, he keeps looking down, but that doesn’t prevent Till from knowing who is inside of his house. He can’t consider the other man’s appearance for long though, he’s not a creep, so after a general and quick look, he offers him to take off his wet clothes and take his clean and dry ones. Christoph nods in a silent agreement. Still in their soaked outfits, they head to the living room, where Christoph takes a seat on a couch. He waits patiently for Till to bring him tracksuit or something like this, and finally finish this day. He’s lost the track of time, he doesn’t know it’s not even 7 p.m., he’s exhausted and wants to rest. If he can’t kill himself tonight, he wants some sleep at least. He sighs heavily and realises it doesn’t really matter, he’s so worn out that he’d let literally anything happen. The man wants to kill him? Fine. The man wants to rape him? Well. The man wants to sell him to a slave trader? Okay. There’s nothing that could bother him now. 

He finally receives dry clothes and gets up to head to the bathroom. Before he’s there, he’s told to wash his hands in the washbasin. Till has noticed the blood on Christoph’s hands, but apart from this simple request, he doesn’t further comment on it. He knows it’s not time for it now. Christoph is relieved because of that, there’s already enough tension in the air and no need to make the atmosphere there thicker. Yet, they both realise that they’ll have to talk about it all anyway, the situation has been too intense to just let it slip.

Christoph is finally in the bathroom. He looks around the small room, washes his hands, they sting, but no more blood flows out of them. Then, he changes his wet clothes into the dry ones, feeling warmth pleasantly embracing his body. At least one decent sensation today. He lifts his head and looks at himself in the mirror. He’s disgusted with what he’s seeing, his eyes red and puffy, his face the saddest you’ve ever seen, his stance the most vulnerable, and weak. He hates himself at the moment, he wants to end it so much. He remembers the knife in his jacket and considers using it. Yes or no? Should he do it or not? Will he be a bigger disappointment than he is now if he does it? He doesn’t know the answer, but thinks about that man who’s saved his life, still unsure whether he should be grateful for it or not. He thinks about the shelter and clothes he’s given him and somehow draws a conclusion that he can’t make his efforts useless now. After all, that man didn’t have to do this, didn’t have to grab Christoph’s arm to prevent him from falling, didn’t even have to glance at him. He doesn’t let the thought in, but is aware, in a way, that that man has showed him sympathy and fucking saved his life. 

Will Christoph appreciate it?

Christoph shakes his head and leaves the bathroom, stooping, his wet clothes in his hands. He’s told to leave them on the bathroom floor and he does so. He comes back to the living room, where Till is waiting for him, already dressed in dry clothes too. The moment is awkward. Christoph’s feeling so strange, the whole place new to him. Will he be able to sleep here tonight? What will happen in the morning? Will they talk? They surely will. This will be embarrassing. He doesn’t want tomorrow to come, but he can’t stop the time. If he’d died then, he wouldn’t have to be worrying about it now. He clenches his jaw again, but regrets it immediately, for his muscles and teeth hurt a lot.

He sighs shakily, unsurely, his eyes almost watery again, but he manages to compose himself. He looks at Till, who’s got some bandages in his hands. Christoph takes them from him without a word and wraps them around his injured and aching hands. He shivers at the sting that’s caused by the fabric scraping his damaged skin. 

“Do you… need anything? Something warm to drink or to eat…?” Till asks, his voice concerned. He can clearly see the terrible state Christoph is in.

“What’s the time?” Christoph replies, as if he totally ignored the question. 

“7.30,” comes the instant answer.

“It might be not the time but I…” he pauses out of insecurity. “I want to… I need some sleep. I almost can’t stand on my feet… I, I…” He seems unable to find more words.

“Go there, to my bedroom. Make yourself at home,” Till says in a warm, soft manner, concerns slowly fading away from his voice. 

“I, I… don’t really want to be a problem, it’s your room, I can sleep wherever, no need to do this… You’ve already done… too much… for me.”

“You’re not a problem, boy.”

“I am, I…” Christoph tries to start his ramble, but gets cut off.

“Don’t even start. I’ve taken you to my house and now I want you to sleep in my bedroom, because you surely need a good sleep more than I do. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? I’m a complete stranger, a lunatic you’re probably thinking, and I’m at your place now and you… you want such a freak to sleep in your own bed?” Christoph asks, he can’t believe how much good this man is showing him, he can’t help but be shocked and confused about it. 

“I highly doubt you’re a freak, but it’s not the right time for this conversation. Just do your weary self a favour and go to sleep. If you need me, I’ll be here all the time. Don’t be afraid to wake me up. And no, you aren’t a problem, so don’t even try to say it again. Take a rest. Tomorrow will be better, I tell you,” Till announces with confidence, although there’s still a hint of alarm in his tone. 

Christoph lets out a deep sigh, and Till rolls his eyes because of it, but doesn’t say a word of complaint. Neither of them needs shit like this now. 

Christoph turns around and leaves Till, silently, walking to the said bedroom. 

“What’s your name?” A voice from behind calls. Christoph stops at the door.

“Christoph,” he answers before hiding away from the world.

“I’m Till,” goes the other man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, starting from now, I have no more chapters written in advance, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for the Chapter III. I'll give it to you as soon as possible, so don't you worry over there!
> 
> Let me know what you think about my work in the comments, let me find out how's my writing!
> 
> I'll try to publish chapters quite regularly, although it depends on how much free time I have.
> 
> My tumblr: thislovelyoptimist


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the mixing and confusing emotions aren't helping them at all.

  
Chapter III 

Christoph enters the bedroom and closes the door behind him. He lets out a long exhale, finally a part of the chaos is gone. He’s all alone with his thoughts now, which frightens him a bit, for he knows they can start a new chaos in his mind. He manages to keep it away, at least for now and focuses on his new surroundings. The room can’t be called a spacious one, but it’s still cosy and comfortable enough. Not bad, Christoph thinks, turning his attention to anything but his own mind. In the room, there’s a wardrobe, a chest of drawers, a table and a chair at it. Basic. Everything is very slightly lit by the light that comes from behind the curtains. And, of course, there’s also a bed, onto which Christoph flops after a short while. He doesn’t care that it doesn’t belong to him, he’s contented that he’s finally found some place to rest, to stretch and relax his wear body and evenly weary soul. He crawls between the sheets and hides under a duvet, curling up, rolling it all over his poor being. More warmth is extremely welcome now. 

He’d love to fall asleep fast, just to cut himself off from this world, from this goddamn day. To let go and enter the blessed sleep. The fate isn’t showing him mercy now and no matter how hard he’s trying to stop reconsidering everything, he can’t. He vividly remembers his father’s fury, his vicious words, his own anger and violence, his desperation, the flyover, the rain, the pain, his bloody hands, his burning eyes, his aching jaw, the distance between him and the asphalt. He doesn’t want to see it in his imagination now, he’s seen a lot today already, he craves rest, he’s feeling as if he was about to go crazy. He’s not sad anymore, he’s angry at himself and at everything at once, he’d love to scream it all out but there’s a force inside him that stops him from doing it. It makes him keep it all inside, in this curled up and trembling and aching body, needing peace desperately. The desperation finally causes bitter tears to flow from his shut eyes, which annoys him, he’s had enough for today. All those suppressed emotions are running down his cheeks, while he’s hiding it by covering his head with a pillow and almost soaking into a mattress. He can’t let Till hear him, he doesn’t want to bother him more. He wants it to be over, he needs sleep, he wants tranquillity, he wants to wake up the next morning or not wake up at all, he just needs to find some rest from it all… 

The feelings and the thoughts racing in his head finally wear him out and he falls into a deep sleep.

Meanwhile, Till decides to make himself a cup of tea and maybe try to somehow sort everything that has happened out. The wildest emotions seem to have finally calmed down and it’s high time he realised that he had become a saviour today. Not only did he help the old ladies but also saved a human life. And this certainly isn’t something an ordinary person does every day. Of course he’s proud of it in a way, but he’s also aware that it was a kind of a duty, a natural instinct, something that everyone would, or should, do. No matter the sense behind it, he’s glad he’s helped Christoph. And he’s happy and relieved that Christoph also accepted his further help and agreed to go home with him, instead of staying there and retrying his suicide attempt. Till flinches at this thought, but he can probably understand why Christoph had decided to do this. Yet, he doesn’t want to keep going deeper into it now, he shakes his head to get rid of these thoughts. It’s not the best time to be considering it all, he thinks. He regrets even having started thinking about this. There’ll be time for it and now he’s also too tired to be worrying himself because of it all. Christoph is safe at Till’s place and this is what’s important. 

Till remembers that Christoph left his wet clothes in the bathroom, so he finishes his tea and goes there to hang them on a radiator and let them dry. While lifting the jacket up, a knife falls out of a pocket unexpectedly. Till inhales sharply at the sight, knowing too well what the aim of that knife was. He’s relieved that Christoph didn’t decide to kill himself in Till’s bathroom, he wouldn’t like to feel guilty for not saving him one more time for the rest of his life. At first, he doesn’t know what to do with the found tool, he considers leaving it in the jacket and taking it with himself, so that Christoph won’t find it. Following this, Till should hide all sharp things in his house. No, he knows Christoph won’t try anything dangerous anymore, so he just takes the knife and hides it in a drawer in a living room. He hopes Christoph won’t remember about this knife.

Till is tired but not enough to fall asleep yet, so he chooses to sit down on his couch comfortably and simply read a book to free himself from all the overloading thoughts and feelings. He needs a good escape now. A place where he’ll find some peace and a book is a perfect solution. But before he does this, he opens the door to his bedroom quietly, so that if he falls asleep, it’ll be easier for him to wake up in case something happened to Christoph. 

Till falls asleep while reading. Obviously.

As one can suppose, the night isn’t the best for Christoph. He thrashes in the bed, his mind being tormented by various nightmares, which mostly include experiences from the past day. Even in his sleep he can’t set free from the flyover, from the vision of falling down and pulling Till down with himself. Poor young man grunts and breathes sharply through his restless sleep, while his subconscious is unravelling more and more fears that have never come true and most likely never will do so. Yet, at least now, he’s tied to those awful and stressful scenes, he’d love to run away but he can’t, even though he’s just a bystander in the majority of the mind’s scenarios. 

In one of his nightmares, he’s still at his parents’ home, quarrelling with his father in the kitchen. The situation doesn’t look like the one from the reality, because here, Christoph is too weak to defend himself and ends up being his furious father’s victim. It’s him who’s lying on the floor with aching and bleeding head and jaw, with tears in his eyes, with the feeling of utter vulnerability and humiliation. He’s sure that his father’s words are true, he’s just found out about it himself – he couldn’t defend himself from an older and slower man. Disappointment. Woe. Stupidity. 

Beads of cold sweat appear on his forehead, on his back, on his neck, slowly dripping onto the pillow and the sheets, making them wet and unpleasant in touch, which compounds his already terrible dream. He keeps thrashing and weak groans of sorrow and fear escape his dry mouth. He grabs the sheets tightly then releases them, throwing them away, exposing his sweaty body to the cold air, definitely colder than the one under the duvet. An intense and awful shiver shakes his body, making him cry out a desperate “No!”, which immediately wakes Till up. He jumps in his place, violently torn away from his more peaceful sleep, and then swiftly gets up to rush to his bedroom. He switches the light on and this miserable form of a man struggling in the bed can be clearly visible to him now. As Till approaches Christoph, he sits up rapidly with a broken and dry yell ripping out from his lungs and finally wakes up when his name is shouted almost straight into his face. Christoph starts repeating, “I’m sorry!” with half-closed eyes, the diction is perfect, even though the words come out with an enormous speed. Till doesn’t know if he’s apologising for his screaming or is it still a part of his dream. In order to be more effective, Till says Christoph’s name very loudly again, his own voice rumbling in his chest. Now, Christoph’s eyes are finally wide open and he’s more or less aware that he’s no more in his terrible dream.

“What… What’s happened? Did I wake you up?” Christoph asks concerned, gasping, droplets of sweat rolling down his forehead. 

“Calm down, you just…” Till starts calmly but gets cut off.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I, I…”

“Can you calm down? It’s over, Christoph. It was just a nightmare.”

“It was terrible, I dreamt that…” his voice cracks, his throat extremely dry.

“Don’t. You don’t have to tell me about it and walk through it all again. It’s 1 at night and we both should be sleeping now…”

“Yes, yes, you’re right,” Christoph interrupts again, his chest still heaving, but he seems to be calming down.

Also, will he ever stop interrupting while Till is speaking? 

“Can I go to the kitchen and have a glass of water?” Christoph continues quickly. 

Till nods in silent agreement as Christoph storms out to the said room and comes back with his drink. He downs the glass and puts it on the desk, then sits down on the edge of the bed, and rubs his still slightly wet temples. 

“You don’t have to stand there, I’m not a child, I’ll manage to fall asleep on my own…” Christoph announces, shame and embarrassment present in his tone. “Don’t make me feel like a bigger piece of shit than I am now.”

“No one’s said that,” Till replies, leaning against a wall, his arms folded.

“My fa… Ugh, never mind. It’s not… I don’t want to talk about this now. Goodnight… and sorry again.”

“Sleep well, Christoph.”

As Till walks out, he switches the lights off, leaves the door open again and comes back to his couch, lies down on it and buries himself into a warm blanket. He sighs deeply and tries to go back to sleep, yet after 30 minutes he’s still awake. He grunts, annoyed, and stares at the ceiling. He decides to follow Christoph’s example and also gets himself a glass of water. While coming back from the kitchen, he feels a sudden need to check if everything’s alright with Christoph. Without thinking much about it, he looks into his bedroom to find him sleeping, this time peacefully. He’s wrapped in the duvet, his breathing calm. Now, Till can go back to his couch. He falls asleep immediately. 

  
The next time Christoph wakes up is in the morning, about 9 o’clock. He yawns and at the same time feels all of his muscles aching. Yesterday’s afternoon and the nightmare at night are showing their painful results now. He groans as he gets up, his legs feeling as if there were stones inside them. His jaw and teeth hurt, just like his hands and arms. His sleepy eyes wander around the room he’s in, the door is now closed. It means that Till must’ve got up earlier. Christoph takes the glass he’s left on the desk and swears under his breath as he finds it empty. He needs something to soothe his dry throat, he assumes that his voice will be hoarse today. Not to lose any more time, he heads to the door, his muscles still strained, so with every step, he can clearly feel each of them. 

First, he goes to the bathroom, to wash his hands and face, which were so sweaty at night. While using the washbasin, he’s staring at the mirror, at his reflection, at his under eye circles, at his still exhausted and sad face. No way he’ll go outside today (unless Till tells him to do so). What? He shakes his head in disbelief, why would he even want him to go out if it wasn’t supposed to mean to just get the fuck out of his place? There’s no reason for him to do so, though, for if he hadn’t wanted Christoph at his home, he wouldn’t have even offered this shelter to him. It’s as simple as that.

Christoph lets out a sigh, he knows he has to go out now and confront Till. Oh how he’d love him not to ask too many questions, because he doesn’t think he’s ready to answer them all. This isn’t something easy for him, the questions about his life, while he’s been struggling through the majority of it. It has never been anything too joyful or pleasant, he’s just had the right to live and that’s all. Yet, recently, he’s had a feeling that even this right was torn away from his hands… 

Christoph finds his saviour in the kitchen. He’s comfortably sitting at the small table, drinking coffee (easy to tell by the smell) and reading a newspaper. He looks up from it to see the state Christoph’s in today. In all honesty, it could’ve been better. Christoph takes a silent and awkward seat opposite Till and glues his eyes to an empty mug. Is it supposed to be his one for this morning?

“Help yourself,” Till says casually, softly, gesturing to what is on the table – a teapot and two sandwiches. “I thought you’d be hungry, so I’ve made this for you. The tea should be still warm, too. Do you want some sugar?”

“No, thanks,” goes the quiet answer. 

Christoph can’t believe that someone has done something for him again, that a complete stranger has prepared a meal and tea for him and, for now, seems to be expecting nothing in exchange. It surely isn’t something he’s used to, for he hasn’t been made breakfast for ages, he hasn’t been treated with such a huge hospitality for so long that he can’t even remember it. 

In this case, he takes what he’s offered with high appreciation, he didn’t know he was so hungry, and what’s more, he has finally quenched his almost painful thirst. The time while he’s eating is silent, no uncomfortable questions are being asked, Christoph’s not feeling as if he was being interviewed. He can just eat in peace, not like at his parents’ home, where he was criticised for everything, including his way of eating. That’s why he didn’t eat while his father was near and even now he’s slightly embarrassed and afraid that Till will criticise him, even if he hasn’t got any serious reason to do so. Luckily, this doesn’t happen, Till is busy reading or just looking at the newspaper, he seems to be bored, and only occasionally glances at Christoph from behind it. 

Christoph has finished his breakfast and is now staring at the mug, which is on the table, being held fast with his hands. He’s rubbing the rim of it nervously, he knows that either him or Till has to start the conversation, which might not be the easiest one. Christoph can tell, that what he’s doing now could be praying if he believed in God. He won’t avoid the talk anyway.

After another good while of silence, for the sake of his own dignity, if there’s anything left of it in him, he decides to say something. 

“So I, umm… I think you want me to go now. I mean, you’ve helped me a lot and I just should go now because you’ve already done so much for me,” Christoph begins and doesn’t even dare to look up.

“And where do you want to go?” Till asks, putting the newspaper on the table, so that all of his attention can be paid to the conversation.

Christoph shrugs. 

“You’ve nowhere to go, am I right?” Till continues with sympathy in his voice. 

“You’re right,” Christoph answers, feeling extremely ashamed. Ashamed of himself, of his poor position, of what he wanted to do yesterday. The sorrow and disappointment from the previous night evaporated, then came the anger, which has been now followed by this enormous shame.

“You know it very well that you can stay here. And it won’t be a problem for me.”

“It will because you need money to buy food and pay the bills and I… You…” Christoph squeezes the mug tightly, he’s lucky he hasn’t broken it yet.

“What?” Till demands, trying to look the other man in the eye.

“I’ve never… I’ve never been employed, I’ve never worked and I’m just useless…”

“We’ll be fine for some time. Besides, there are other ways to get money.”

Christoph’s thinking about these words, what can Till mean by saying this? He’s curious but at the same time he doesn’t want to ask about this. He’ll wait and see. 

“Christoph!”

“Sorry, I just pondered… So how do you see it?”

“See what? You living here? How am I supposed to see it?”

“I don’t know, aren’t you bothered or something?” Christoph asks, surprised, but his gaze is still fixed on the mug. 

“Cut the crap, Christoph. And just… accept my help, okay? That’s all I want from you now.”

“Don’t you want to know why I… I…” Christoph exhales shakily as his memories have instantly come back. “Why I wanted to… You know… And why it all happened and… who I am?” 

“I do. But I know you don’t want to be talking about it now.”

“How can you know that? You don’t know me at all so how…”

“You don’t know me either, Christoph.”

Christoph finally lifts his head up and his cold blue eyes meet Till’s blue-green and ocean-like ones. His stare is intense but also mysterious, with a hint of warmth and trust in it. A weird feeling washes over Christoph’s body, he can’t really tell what it is or why it’s appeared. 

“So what you’re trying to say is that we’re strangers. And you’re right. But I’m still surprised that you aren’t asking for… things and reasons and…” Christoph gets lost in his speech and looks away out of his constant embarrassment. 

“I know how it feels, Christoph. I know how you’re feeling and I know why you don’t want to talk about it. The things you’ve come through are…”

“You don’t know shit about how I’m feeling! Why do you even dare to claim that you know anything?!” Christoph suddenly loses his temper, his shame turned into unexpected anger, and cuts Till off (again), and gets up from the chair, knocking it down. “You’re a complete stranger to me, the fact that I’ve spent the night here doesn’t make us friends.”

What has just happened is the question they’re both asking themselves now. 

“I’m sorry, I… I shouldn’t have…” Christoph mumbles and lifts up his chair, then sits down on it. He’d curl up and die now if he could.

“Just don’t push it. If you want to tell me why you wanted to commit suicide, then you’ll do it. You don’t need to make it faster just because I’m curious.”

Christoph swallows hard, the word “suicide” makes him cringe and knots his guts tightly. Because of this, of this confusion and now even disgust, Till’s words almost don’t reach him, he’s busy being angry at himself now, not listening to the other man.

“Also, every time I say something, I exactly know what it is and what it means. Don’t suppose that I’m oblivious to certain things. You definitely know too little about me to draw such conclusions,” Till announces sternly, but he doesn’t seem to be angry. 

Despite this, Christoph’s still stressed out and he can’t help but do what he always does when he’s tensed.

“Don’t clench your jaw. You know it’ll hurt later. And let me bring you new bandages.”

Christoph looks at his hands and the bandages are red and stained. He wonders why he didn’t notice it while he was washing his face and hands after he’d got up.

  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's high time you met another character in this story. 
> 
> And also know a bit of what Till is thinking about the whole new situation.
> 
> This chapter contains graphic depiction of sex and violence.

Chapter IV

Since Till took Christoph under his wings, he’s been wondering whether it was a good idea. At the time when he made that decision, he wasn’t thinking clearly, he was in a kind of daze, what led him to that point was only an instinct, he didn’t even hesitate for a moment. He just did what everyone would do. Well, maybe everyone would’ve done it if they’d been there, if he hadn’t been there all alone. He realises that Christoph might’ve turned out stronger and heavier than he really is, and following this, he might’ve pulled Till down too. They both might’ve died. As Till thinks about it, a cold shiver shakes his body, and after that searches for Christoph with his eyes. After all, he’s glad that he’s saved his life, even though it might’ve ended terribly for both of them. He’s glad that Christoph is safe at his home and hopes that he’s not planning on doing something stupid.

Till thinks Christoph is very quiet, for he doesn’t talk too much and doesn’t want to reveal any memories from his past. Till understands him and doesn’t demand any instant answers, he’s aware that Christoph might need some time to open up. He’s withdrawn now but Till has a feeling that it’ll soon pass and all the boiling emotions will just flow out of Christoph, that when he finally decides to speak, he won’t be able to stop and a river of words will escape his lungs, his heart, his soul. But for now, it’s all there inside him, inside the gloomy and depressed shell of a man. Till would like to crush it one day, because since the day he saved Christoph, he’s wanted him to be at least a bit happier, even though life is a just a stinking shit. At the same time, he highly doubts that Christoph will ever get rid of that immense grief, he knows Christoph won’t see any therapist. He won’t even recommend doing it for he’s never been on therapy either, even though he probably should have done so.

He’ll just wait and see. That’s all he can really do, apart from being a kind of emotional support for Christoph.

*********

Another day of Richard’s boring and disgusting life has begun. With a deep sigh he opens his weary and sleepy eyes, rubbing his hands all over his face. He grunts at the thought that today he needs to go to work in the afternoon, not in the evening or at night, that’s what his boss has said. Richard knows that he’ll probably will have to travel to someone’s house to do his job today. He usually gets more money for this, but it still doesn’t make him want to go there, doesn’t make him want to do it all again, one more day. He dreams of a different job but he’s too broke to take some risk connected with changing it now, moreover, he simply can’t do anything else. Actually, he could become a dealer but he doesn’t want to be so close to drugs, he’s got too bad memories to get into this trouble again. He doesn’t need to make his life even worse than it is now.

He gets up lazily, almost no will to live this day is present in his action. In fact, the only thing that makes him continue it all is the thought about the revenge on a man who’s ruined his life. Will Richard ever get at least close to hurting his boss as much as he’s hurt him? He doesn’t know but hopes for it to happen, he hopes for it every day.

He needs something to give him more energy first, so he makes himself a cup of coffee, while smoking a cigarette. He always starts a day like this. One of really few parts of his routine that he enjoys. It relaxes him, makes him less tensed and distracts him from thinking about his job for a while. A blessed while away from his concerns and troubles. He wishes his life was always like that – coffee, cigarettes and complete lack of stress. And pretty women too, who wouldn’t have to pay him for spending their time with him because he’d be rich. Or at least a bit richer than he is now. 

He gets lost in his dreams for some time, then comes back to the harsh reality and eats some simple breakfast quickly. Then, he can go to the bathroom in order to finally make himself look like a man who’s worth his price. He has a shower, washes his hair, so that they’re clean and fluffy and takes care of the overall hairstyle. He looks at himself in the mirror. A decent look but he’s been better. He hopes no one will make fuss of it, he’s Richard Zven Kruspe after all, he’s the only man that works at his boss’ place, the only _well working_ man there. What would his boss do if he didn’t have him there, he’d never get so much money from a single private visit. Richard is one of the men who are working in this business, but he’s surely the best and the most expensive of them all. Sadly, it doesn’t change the fact that he gets little money from his job in comparison to his boss, who just sits back and waits until Richard brings the payment. 

He leaves his house to get to his working place, that’s almost in the worst and the filthiest part of the city. He goes for a walk, because it’s not far from his flat, and the weather is quite pretty too. Meanwhile, he ponders, thinking about his ideal life, what would it look like and how happy he’d be if he was the man from his dreams, if his job was different, if he didn’t have to do this disgraceful thing every fucking day.

He’s arrived. Before he enters the building, he looks up at the neon sign that’s above him, that’s not as shiny and dazzling as it is at night. At least it’s not that visible… Bullshit! Everyone knows what this place is, there are plenty of similar ones all around but this one is the most exclusive one. Exclusive meaning clean, neatly dressed, healthy and expensive workers. And a lot of inviting space inside, plenty of working rooms, with the typical, but at the same time original, mainly wine red walls. 

Richard heads to his boss’ office, he needs to know where he’s working today and when he’s due to be at the said place. With an unreadable grimace on his face, his boss gives him all the information he needs. The old man seems to be angry with something or someone today, so Richard resigns from being his usual cocky self, he’s already feeling quite shitty, he doesn’t want to make it worse (which will happen anyway, after his job is done) and get into any troubles.

“I’ll need money to get there,” Richard says bluntly, barely preventing himself from rolling his eyes at his boss.

“Can’t you go on foot?” The other man questions, his stance and tone annoyed and bored.

“It’s far from here, it’ll take too much time. And remember that I’ll have to come back. With money. And there’ll be a lot of money today.”

“Fuck you, Zven. Take it and just go, don’t piss me off.” He throws money onto a desk before him, just enough for Richard to go and come back by taxi. “And don’t even think about stealing again. If you do it, I’ll teach you to be a good obedient whore myself. The girls won’t be able to cover your bruises with make-up. Remember this, Zven.”

“Yeah…” He spits out with annoyance and takes the money that’s lying on the desk. 

Richard leaves the room, relieved that he doesn’t have to be near his boss any longer. Exasperated, he decides to even get out of this inappropriate place that’s generally his working place, only sometimes he has to work away from it. And today is one of these days but he still has some time, so he just keeps walking forwards, getting lost in his thoughts and the smoke of his cigarette again. When he doesn’t think about his job and life that he has to be living now, the reality seems not to be that bad. Maybe… Maybe one day he’d manage to run away from here, from this city, from his job, from all those filthy and corrupt people that are there. Maybe one day he’ll take his revenge on his boss too? He knows that if he did that, he’d be the happiest and the most satisfied man in this world.

Time to go to work has finally come and Richard isn’t any more contented with it. He hates himself for doing this, every time he regrets treating himself like a product, like a thing that can be simply bought. Unfortunately, he has no other choice for now but with each day, he gathers more and more will and power to finally quit this disgusting profession and start a new life, preferably in a new place with a new job and new people. He’s aware that they’re only dreams now but he’s almost sure that one day he’ll have the guts to tell “fuck you” to his boss and leave it all behind once and for all. 

During the ride to his destination, he keeps contemplating, he keeps thinking about how he could change his life, he’s planning. Planning and doing literally anything to forget that he’ll be just a toy for another few hours. That he’ll be used, with more or less respect. He got used to that in a way, he had to. He wouldn’t have survived if it were too much for him. It almost is but he can somehow tame his hatred towards all this. For now.

There he is. He gets out of the taxi, having paid the driver. He’s standing in front of a quite big house, he supposes that some rich woman must be living here. He uses the intercom and gets immediately invited inside. As the front doors open, he sees a middle-aged woman, who’s wearing a tight-fitting and very revealing dress with high-heels to add to her appeal. With a seductive gesture of her sleek and manicured hand, she encourages him to enter her house, which he finds well-furnished and posh. 

“Come with me, Zven,” she says softly and warmly, grabbing him by the hand, “let’s drink some wine first. We’ve got time, my husband won’t come back today…”

Richard agrees because he has no other choice, and lets her lead him to a spacious living room, with two big sofas and a coffee table between them. There are already two glasses and a bottle of red wine waiting for them. Richard knows that if the women bring some alcohol, then the evening gets long, for they begin to talk and talk _and talk_ about their miserable and lonely lives, about their husbands who are away from home for too long. Richard has never cared for it but he has to listen to them and keep the conversation, that’s one of his duties, that’s what he gets paid for. He can stand it, it doesn’t happen every day, some women want only one thing, they haven’t got the need to tell him about all of their concerns and sorrows. 

As usually, he isn’t drinking too much today either, by contrast to his companion. The woman has got a little tipsy and handsy. She closes herself to him and lays her hand on his chest, then slides it up, across his neck, onto his boyish face. She gazes into his eyes, a seducing smile on her face, and rubs his soft cheek with her fingers.

“You’re such a pretty boy, Zven…” she says dreamily, “Not like my old husband. Your skin is so smooth, so nice to touch… Let me touch more of this perfect skin of yours… Go to the bedroom with me… Let me enjoy your young body and then show me what a beast you really are…” She almost whispers, straight into his ear, her hot and alcohol-tainted breath tickling his skin. 

“As you wish, my lady…” He purrs and lets her nibble on his ear.

  
“Zven… Zven…” She moans as she’s on the bed, on all fours, being fucked by him from behind. “I want you to…” 

He doesn’t let her finish as he grabs a fistful of her hair and violently lifts her head up, still holding her hip fiercely with his free hand. 

“… To do this, my lady?” He grunts hoarsely, breathing heavily, keeping his steady and powerful pace. 

“Yes, Zven… Oh God… You’re amazing…” She whines shakily and swallows dryly, gripping the sheets tightly, as she’s being driven closer and closer to the edge.

“Say it again, my lady,” he demands sternly, slapping her ass. She grunts, her voice full of burning lust.

“You’re amazing… Zven, I, I…” 

She closes her eyes, letting him take what he wants, shouting his name again. Her legs begin to twitch, her muscles tensed, waiting impatiently for the long-desired relief, for this wave of rapture and warmth that’ll overflow her whole body. Her broken moans ring in the room, getting mixed with his panting and his throaty groans. Their sweaty bodies meeting each other, one time after another, his godlike pace driving her crazy, his thrusts either painfully slow and deep or wildly fast and more shallow. The best combination they both can get. 

She begins to shiver, she can’t control the high-pitched sounds escaping her lungs, she craves the blissful end of it. With the last strong rock of his young hips, he throws her over the edge, making her yell his name, making her whole body tremble, making this wonderful pleasure travel all over her body. He comes just right after her, letting out a deep moan of utter satisfaction, riding out his orgasm into her. As they both begin to slowly calm down, he gently lets go of her hair and her now bruised hip. They fall onto the bed, the woman visibly amused that there’s a purple mark forming on her skin. She turns onto her side and looks at him with dazed eyes, admiring his young and pretty face and body. 

“You’re fantastic, Zven,” she compliments, but that doesn’t mean that his self-esteem will go any higher.

He only smiles in response. 

After a one more round, they finish their meeting. The woman pays him and thanks him for his company and for amazing sex, and promises him that she’ll want to meet him soon again. She says she just needs to wait for the time when her husband is gone for longer.  
  
As he leaves, she follows him with her still dreamy gaze until he disappears in a taxi he’s called for. He’s feeling extremely ashamed and what he needs now is a shower. He has to wash this dirt and filth away, he can’t stand it, he hates it. Even though he’s just earned a lot of money, he’s not contented with the way he’s got it. He wishes he’d spent those hours in a normal job instead of fucking some middle-aged woman, who, in addition, was cheating on her husband with him. Richard knows that it’s her who should be feeling guilty for it, but in spite of this, he’s feeling as if it was his fault too. He exhales heavily and remembers one thing – to take some money with him. He’s aware he shouldn’t do it, he’s been forbidden, but his boss is not here and he surely doesn’t know how much money Richard actually earned. Nothing bad will happen, Richard thinks, but hides his part of the payment into one of his boots, just in case.

  
Before he can go home, he has to visit his boss and give him the money. Since he wants it to be over as soon as possible, he doesn’t waste time and heads straight into his boss’ office. Obviously, he finds him there, waiting for Richard, with a big bodyguard by his side. Richard gulps seeing the other man but still keeps his fingers crossed for the situation to end peacefully and without violence. 

As Richard approaches the desk, the bodyguard changes his position, moving himself to the door, making it impossible to exit now. Richard’s heart begins to beat faster but he keeps himself composed, handing over the money to his boss. He’s sitting in his chair comfortably, lazily looking at the notes that are flying out of Richard’s hands. 

“Well, that’s all,” Richard announces with a fake confidence.

“Who are you trying to fool?” His boss asks.

“What are you talking about?”

“I know that she gave you more money. I called her.”

“She gave me exactly this amount of money. What you can see on the desk is all I have,” Richard says casually, having more and more problems with hiding his fear and insincerity. 

“Zven, I told you not to steal. And not to lie to me because I know everything. How much time do you need to finally learn your lesson?” His boss snarls, standing up from his chair. 

Richard inhales sharply as some huge and fat and greasy hands grab his arms and pull them back, so that he’s helpless and can’t set himself free. 

“I didn’t steal anything,” he barks, wiggling. 

“You’re lying.” His boss walks over to him and stands just in front of him. “Tell me where the rest of the money is, give it back to me and I’ll let you go.”

“I don’t have it!”

Richard’s vision becomes blurry as a heavy punch meets his cheek. 

“Give me the money back, Zven,” repeats the boss.

He takes Richard’s silence as a “no” and repeats his violent action, hitting the same spot, making blood flow out of Richard’s mouth. He grunts and glares up at his boss, then spits this fresh blood straight onto the other man’s face. It enrages him but for the last sentence, he remains still.

“As you wish, Zven. If you don’t want to tell me that you’ve stolen the money again, then you’ll have to face the consequences.”

He wipes the blood away from his face and this time punches Richard into his stomach, making him curl, whine and squeeze his eyes shut. The bodyguard releases him and he falls onto his knees, holding his aching abdomen. He doesn’t even have time to look up for he gets kicked in his arm, which makes his shout from pain and roll onto the floor. His boss only laughs viciously and kicks him in the ribs, which is followed by another strike against his arm. What’s more, the bodyguard boots him into his back, so he arches it painfully, straining his muscles, and at the same time trying to defend himself from the shiny shoe that was aimed straight at his face.

  
“You can keep the money you’ve stolen, Zven,” the boss announces as the damage is done. After a thousand words of begging for mercy have come out of Richard’s tired and hoarse throat. “And don’t think you’re going on holiday now. What day is it… It’s Monday today, and you have another client on Friday. I hope you’ll have got better by then.”

Richard doesn’t even glance at him, his whole body hurts, his bones ache, he’s feeling countless bruises forming, his mouth and eyebrow are bleeding, tears flowing out from his red eyes.

“Now, now. You can go. And stop crying, you’re a filthy whore not a little child. You should be used to pain, I know some clients like to be cruel towards my workers. Go home, Zven. And get ready for Friday. Because this Friday, your client will be a man. It’ll probably be your first time with a man, huh? No, don’t answer, just go away, I’ve had enough of you for today.”

The bodyguard almost drags him out of this place, Richard’s gone completely numb. Having heard that he’d be a man’s toy on Friday, his world crumbled. His boss had sworn he’d never let a man fuck Richard but he’s just broken his promise. It was so predictable, how Richard could be so stupid? So gullible? 

As he’s walking home, leaning against the buildings to keep his balance and ease the pain a bit, he lets out miserable and terrible cries and grunts, he’s sniffing, he’s sobbing, he’s depressed. He can’t even think about the upcoming Friday, he doesn’t want it, he’s not into men, he’s not their toy. He knows he’s just a product but even products are often treated better. He doesn’t understand why and how, he can’t believe someone’s done something like this to him. All he wants is a peaceful life, why can’t he even get such a simple thing, a tiny bit of respect? Has he become the worst punk in this world to deserve this?

With pain all over his mind and body, he’s finally at home. He loses his clothes in the living room, slowly walking to the bathroom, his eyes stinging from tears. He’s there, it’s silent. He enters the shower, turns the water on and sits down on the tiles. He curls up in the corner and grabs a sponge. He’s staring at it, knowing too well that he needs to get rid of the filth on his body but also being aware that it’ll irritate his already injured skin. At last, he decides to use it and begins to scratch it against his aching skin, making it hurt and burn even more. He keeps rubbing until he starts weeping from pain, until it begins to bleed in few places on his arms. He hates the sensations all over him but he’s finally clean. The self-loathing is almost gone and he stays on the bottom of the shower for a few minutes more, just to listen to the flowing water. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter V

Nearly a week has passed since Till saved Christoph’s life and also since then Christoph hasn’t mentioned anything about the cause of his suicide attempt. Till doesn’t want to push him and he keeps waiting patiently for him to open up. At the same time he can feel it, he can feel the need to finally let at least something out, it’s simply beaming from Christoph. He knows that there will come a day, sooner or later, when he brakes and for a short while there’ll be a hole in his defensive shell, through which the biggest doubts and fears will escape. It’s just a question of time, Till thinks, because he knows what it was like in his case. But then he didn’t have anyone who was close to him, so he used to drown it all in alcohol and self-hatred or fuck it out of himself. Did it help? To a degree. There’s still a part of him that’s living in the past and no matter what he can’t get rid of this feeling. He can’t help but still carry that burden inside of him, oh how he’d love to find a solution for it. If only there was any… 

Christoph still isn’t sure if he should tell Till anything about his life before the situation from the flyover. Or isn’t sure how he should do it. He thinks he has it planned, in his head, but when it comes to the real conversations, he cannot drag it out, he’d even like to force himself but he simply can’t say it all out loud at once. Because of this, he needs to find a different way to do it, so he decides to take his time and just give short information to Till, from time to time. Maybe this will work? Maybe this will help him at least a bit? Not only does he need to let it out but also he feels that this is what he should do, because he owes Till his own life. 

  
A late evening, Till is out on the small balcony, smoking, as usually. Christoph chooses to join him, so he goes out and quite chilly air meets his skin. He stands next to Till, leaning against the rails just like him, and after that lights himself a cigarette. Two men remain silent for few minutes, enjoying the evening tranquillity and peace, releasing clouds of smoke one after another. Christoph taps his fingers against the rails, and thinking about how to say something to Till, clenches his jaw. After that, he exhales heavily, a plume of smoke escaping his lips and nostrils.

“It was because of my father,” he starts confidently, clinging onto this strong will as long as he can. “Mostly.”

“Mostly?” Till takes it up.

“Yes, there had also been other… factors… before.” He continues, looking into the distance in front of him. “When I’d been… younger.”

Till confirms hearing Christoph’s statement with a quiet grunt and as the silence falls upon them again, he begins to ponder. What were the other factors? What did his father do to him? Why is it so hard for him? What had happened when he’d been a child? What kind of atrocities had this man experienced that they led him to a suicide attempt? In fact, they could’ve been anything, for Till is already sure that Christoph’s life hasn’t been a cheerful one. Christoph’s behaviour and his shyness say it all. 

Till extinguishes his cigarette and turns around to ask Christoph one thing but… he’s gone. Till was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice Christoph’s absence. He regrets it but maybe Christoph wouldn’t have told him anything more anyway? For now, Till has to be content with what he’s just found out, even though it’s almost nothing. In spite of this, he’s feeling warm inside, for Christoph has decided to show him at least a tiny bit of his broken soul and heart.

Christoph considers the confession on the balcony as a good move. It might not have improved his well-being and self-esteem much but he’s slightly relieved that he managed to expose this part of him to Till. He didn’t say much but it’s still better than nothing. 

Meanwhile, as Till is at work, Christoph spends his time at his home, he doesn’t really go out alone, he prefers being inside for now. He doesn’t tell it to Till, but he’s afraid that he’ll meet his father somewhere in the city and that he’ll have troubles then. Even though Christoph didn’t reveal this detail, Till knows this reason anyway. He’s not stupid, he can think logically and he just simply connected the dots, even if there was a tiny number of them. 

At home, Christoph either watches TV or reads books, for he wants to distract himself from thinking about his pathetic existence. He knows that he needs any activity if he doesn’t want to go crazy. He’s constantly feeling depressed, though, he’d like to experience something that would bring him some joy, something that would make him forget how awful he is. It doesn’t need to be anything exquisite, it can be a simple thing, but filled with warmth and sympathy. 

Till comes with some good news just in the hour of need.

“Would you like to go for a walk and have hot dinner?” He asks as he meets Christoph in the living room.

“I’m not sure, do you think it’s a good idea?”

“I know it is a good idea and we can’t refuse. Last week, I helped a kind old woman. I’ve met her today, on my way home, and she asked if I wanted to visit her.”

“What did you say?”

“I agreed, obviously.”

“Does she know I will come too?”

“I told her that I’d take you with me and she was twice as happy.”

Christoph sighs and answers with the slightest and softest smile, which confirms Till’s offer, making him visibly happy. Finally, he’s managed to drag Christoph out of this goddamn house, he can finally straighten his legs and move a bit. He can’t sit at home all the time and tasty dinner is the best reason to leave this place. 

Without any further doubts, they set off and begin their walk to the old women’s house. It’s not very close to Till’s place but they don’t mind, the weather isn’t the worst one and the trip itself is rather quiet. They’re both immersed in their own thoughts and contemplations. It’s impossible to describe the atmosphere that’s between them at the moment, it’s neither tension nor any kind of deeper friendship. It isn’t even anything in-between. There is some mutual affection but what it is exactly – neither of them knows. It’s something more than just acquaintance but still far too little to be called friendship. Are they both thinking about it now? Maybe. Maybe they’re both in totally different worlds, thinking about completely abstract things? Who knows?

After some time, they’re already out of the city almost completely and the surroundings are beginning to bring up unpleasant memories in Christoph’s head. He recognises this place too well, he knows they’re going to pass his previous home and, in all honesty, it scares the shit out of him. His breath quickens instantly and he starts clenching his jaw, let alone clenching his hands as they’re closer and closer to that awful place. He can’t stand it and just stops at one point. He isn’t moving farther and it takes a while for Till to notice that his companion is standing a few meters behind him. With a questioning look he approaches Christoph, and now he can clearly see that there’s something wrong with him. 

“Christoph…” Till starts but is immediately interrupted, a habit of Christoph.

“I won’t go there,” he says, panic in his voice. “What if he sees me? I’ll be in trouble, I can’t let it happen, I don’t want to involve you in my problems, I…”

“Who’s there to see you? What are you talking about?”

“My father! What if he’s somewhere there? If he sees me, he’ll call the police and I’ll be doomed. He’ll tell them what I did to him, I don’t want to…”

“Calm down, he won’t see you here.”

“You don’t understand… I knew it was a bad idea to go, I knew that something would happen!”

“Nothing happened and nothing will happen!” Till exclaims and grabs Christoph by his shoulders.

“But…”

“No “buts”, Christoph. When I tell you that everything is alright, then you need to believe me. Understand that nothing will happen if we pass your house by. I’m sure your father isn’t sitting by the window all day just to catch you outside,” Till says, looking straight into Christoph’s eyes.

“I will not go.”

“You’re a stubborn fucker, you know?”  
  
Till sighs heavily and lets go of Christoph’s shoulders, he’s settled down a bit, but he’s still visibly shivering, his breathing shallow and he doesn’t know where to look, searching for everything and nothing with his eyes. 

But Till won’t let Christoph go back home, no way. He can’t disappoint the very nice old woman. He has to think about something, he has to do something to encourage Christoph to keep moving. And he can’t miss dinner and he’s sure Christoph doesn’t want to miss it either. He just can’t get there using this route, Till knows there’s no way to make him change his mind. There is a solution, though. He offers Christoph to go different way, it’ll be longer but they won’t go near his old house. Christoph’s expression brightens at this proposition and, even though he’s still trembling inside, he accepts it and follows Till’s lead. He doesn’t express it but on the inside, he’s glad that Till just didn’t force him to use the shorter route. That was very decent of him, Christoph thinks.

There they are, a little bit late than planned but it’s still not bad.

The door to the house are opened by a short but very friendly-looking old woman, who, without a word of complaint, invites two men inside. Till introduces Christoph to her and she’s more than joyful to see and meet him. She tells them to make themselves comfortable and to wait a few whiles more for the meal. They don’t whine and spend this time in the living room, Till immediately walks over to an impressively huge bookcase that is almost as large as the wall behind it. As he starts searching for some interesting book titles, a cat walks into the room, mewing loudly at the unexpected guests, wanting their attention desperately. Before Till can even turn around to look at the cat, it’s already lying at Christoph’s feet, and he doesn’t waste a moment to pet the animal’s head. It lets out clearly audible purrs, as Christoph strokes its fluffy grey fur. A soft smile tugs on his lips as he’s enjoying the cat’s cute reaction to his presence. 

“I can see she likes you, Christoph,” the old woman announces as she enters the room with plates of food in her hands, which she puts on the table. “Would you like to have a cat, my dear?”

“Maybe some day,” Christoph answers as he gives the cat the last scratch behind her ear.

“Sure… But now, come and eat, you look like a bag of bones,” she says with a concerned tone. 

They sit at the table, the old woman doesn’t eat with them, she says she ate before they came. She leaves them for a minute to brew them some tea and finish the dessert. Dinner is simple but the portion is so huge that Christoph barely has room for it all in his stomach. He hasn’t eaten anything that was so delicious for a long time, he doesn’t remember any day on which he was served decent dinner. Maybe it happened in his childhood but Christoph doesn’t want to go back to those memories. He prefers to enjoy the food and the hospitality instead. His eyes sparkle as the old woman brings them home-made pudding. He’s shocked that he’s experiencing so much good and warmth now, here, with two people who he barely knows. 

All food is finally eaten, Christoph can’t remember the time when he was so full, when he had such a delicious meal. After dinner, the old woman offers them a liqueur, which is also home-made, she proudly tells them she’s made it herself. They obviously accept the drink and happily consume one glass after another, the atmosphere getting more and more relaxed. Yet, when the old woman asks a question about how the two men met, Christoph kicks Till under the table and sends him a deathly glare in case he wanted to say something about Christoph’s “accident.” Luckily, Till makes up a whole new story of their first encounter and Christoph feels relieved because of that. 

They’re all slightly drunk by now, talking casually as if they knew each other for a long time. As old people have in their habit, they need to talk about other people from their environment (or not) who have recently died. Christoph doesn’t sense the incoming mention of some woman’s death.

“Ah, do you know that the woman, poor sick woman who’d been living a few houses before mine, died on Sunday?” She says, being visibly energised by the news. “I’ve seen the obituary. Mrs Schneider is dead.”

Christoph freezes, his hands go cold and he clenches his jaw immediately, he sobered up in a second. He’s feeling strange pressure in his chest, his heart being crushed by some unknown force. He empties another glass of liqueur and puts it down so fiercely, that it almost breaks, scaring the old woman. She looks at him, worried, but before she manages to ask what’s going on, he stands up rapidly and storms out of the room, heading outside, grabbing his jacket before he leaves. He’s angry at himself, almost furious. He knew it’d happen, he was sure his father wouldn’t care for his mother, would leave her alone to let her die. He’s so mad, he regrets that he hadn’t helped, that he hadn’t stayed at home, that he hadn’t been strong enough to save his mother. He rubs his temples aggressively, breathing shallowly, then lets out a scream of utter desperation and sorrow. He wants to escape, to do something, anything, anything not to think about it, to distract himself from this enormous guilt that he’s feeling, from his rage and misery, from the need to…

“Christoph,” a voice calls from behind him. “What’s happened? Why did you leave?” Till continues as he approaches the other man.

Christoph’s silent, flexing and relaxing his jaw muscles by turns. It hurts but he doesn’t mind it now. It’s not his concern at the moment.

“Did you know that woman? Who was she, Christoph?” Till doesn’t let go, as he stands in front of Christoph. “Look at me. You knew her, right?”

“Yes…” Christoph answers, reluctantly dragging his look up, so that his gaze meets Till’s one. “She was… She was my mother, Till. I knew it would happen when I left her, I was sure about it, and I’m such a piece of shit for not caring about her then. I’m a selfish dick,” he explains, his voice driven by anger and sadness. 

“It’s not your fault, who knew that she’d…”

“I knew! I knew it too well and I left her to die anyway!” He yells straight into Till’s face, tearing up. “She might not have been the best mother in the world but I got at least a tiny bit of love from her and what did she get from me? Fucking death because I left her alone with my father! He probably even didn’t check up on her, he just waited until she died!” His voice breaks at the last words, his whole being shivering again. Emotions have completely taken control over him. “I can’t stay here any longer, I’m sorry, say that to that kind old lady. I’m going home with or without you. I thought this day wouldn’t be that bad but as always, nothing goes well. And it’s all my fault and neither of us can do anything about it. I just suck. And I am useless, my father was fucking right,” he snaps and walks away, his step firm and fast.

Till knows he won’t stop Christoph, so he doesn’t even try to do this, he just runs back inside to thank the old woman for everything and to apologise for Christoph. He tells her the reason of his sudden outburst, he thinks she deserves an explanation. She’s not angry at Christoph, she pities him and wishes him all the best. She also asks Till to take care of him, for she’s noticed that he’s gloomy and needs support and she knows what she’s saying, her inner instinct is always right. Till promises her he’ll do anything to help Christoph and just before he leaves, she informs him that she’s always there if they need her help. Till can’t be more grateful and after the last goodbye, he rushes out of the house to catch Christoph up. He succeeds and soon they’re walking in silence, side by side. Till sees that few lonely tears run down Christoph’s cheeks, and Christoph hates himself for it. He’s feeling so weak and stupid, he’s a man, he shouldn’t be crying like a girl. But he just can’t help this overwhelming shroud of sadness that’s all over his mind. Especially in moments like this, he can’t set himself free from those depressive thoughts full of self-loathing. He’d like to run away from his skin so badly but he simply can’t.

Till doesn’t start any conversation, he knows that Christoph won’t talk to him anyway. He’s drowned in his own pain and he won’t go back from that rabbit hole tonight. Also, Till doesn’t want to make it even harder and worse for Christoph, he knows it’s already difficult for him. He hoped this evening would finally be something decent in Christoph’s life but an unpleasant coincidence has ruined it. However, he’s glad that Christoph smiled earlier, while he was playing with the cat and while they were drinking liqueur. This is what he’s holding onto, besides the things that he shouted into his face. He now knows that Christoph’s father was an asshole and that Christoph hates him with his whole existence. He’s almost sure that he was the person who’d destroyed Christoph mentally, there’s nearly no doubt about it. He’d love to find out about it more, he’d love Christoph to finally open up to him more.

  
“Do you know when the funeral is?” Christoph says silently.

“Tomorrow, at 12 o’clock. Do you want to go there?”

“Maybe.” Christoph pauses for a while. “If I decide to go there… will you go with me?” He asks almost inaudibly. 

“I will,” Till replies without hesitation.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me finally give you some tiny fluffy fluff fluff. 
> 
> This chapter contains the word "faggot", just to warn you.

Chapter VI

“Are you sure you want to go there?” Till asks, as they’re walking down the street. “Aren’t you afraid of meeting your father now?”

“The ceremony will have been over by the time we get there. I hope that everyone will be gone,” Christoph answers, looking at the pavement. 

“Tell me one thing. As I assume, your family home surely wasn’t the best one, and you still want to visit your mother’s grave?” Till demands, confusion in his voice. He isn’t expecting he’ll get an answer but he’s wrong. 

“As I told you – she hadn’t been a perfect mother, but she’d been better than my father. She hadn’t been that… cruel…” He whispers the last words. “Because… I just don’t understand it, my father let his own wife die. She was ill and I was taking care of her. He was indifferent. He never even entered her room since she’d become ill. As if she didn’t exist.”

Till doesn’t further comment on it, he just listens to everything Christoph has to say. He remembers it, he understands his sorrow. And he knows that Christoph’s father is the biggest asshole in this world and Christoph should do something, so that his father would regret having hurt his son. Maybe he’s thinking about a revenge but Till simply doesn’t know about it? He won’t ask him about it yet, it’s too soon for it. He feels that he’s slowly gaining Christoph’s trust (it’s been only about a week but Till can’t question what his intuition is telling him) and he doesn’t want to ruin it all now. Christoph hasn’t got anyone but him and the boy surely needs some company now, he can’t be left alone with no place to stay, no food to eat and no one to talk to. Yes, Till has been wondering why he’s taken such care of Christoph, and he seems to know the reason behind it. It’s because his own life wasn’t too nice either and he just doesn’t want Christoph to feel as lost, lonely and abandoned as he did. He wants to protect him from the mistakes he made, however weird it may sound. He simply wants to help him, like a decent human being. To him, Christoph didn’t deserve any of this, he doesn’t know where this feeling comes from and why he has it, but he just… can’t let any more bad things happen to Christoph?

The two men finally arrive at the cemetery, at Christoph’s mother’s grave. They’d surely pray for her if they believed in God, they just stand in silence, contemplating for a while instead. All the other mourners seem to have been gone for a funeral banquet and Christoph doesn’t mind. He can think in peace, remember good things about his dead mother, without being judged or criticised. Obviously, he’s not going to the funeral reception, he can’t even think about seeing his family or his father again. He’s certain about what would happen if he did it – he’d be called names, he’d be sworn at, he’d be the blackest sheep of the family. He can’t risk, he doesn’t want to feel more awfully again and he doesn’t need to hear what a piece of shit he is for the millionth time. The recent time has been intense and horrible enough. The only consolation has been Till’s presence beside him. 

It seems as if the quiet around them couldn’t be disturbed, yet it can’t be too beautiful. They hear steps behind them, firstly, they don’t even suppose that the owner of said steps is going to visit Christoph’s mother’s grave too. What an unpleasant encounter it all might turn into… 

“And what are you doing here?” An annoyed voice can be heard from behind their backs. “What are you looking for?”

Till and Christoph turn around to see a man, who’s probably is in his late fifties and looks very much like Christoph’s father.

“I am visiting my mother’s grave, since you haven’t noticed it yet, uncle,” Christoph says, suspiciously.

“What for? You can’t help her now. She is dead. And it’s your fault,” the man announces viciously.

“She’s dead because your fucking brother couldn’t take care of her and just didn’t give a shit about her. He let her die when I…” he stops, feeling as if someone was squeezing his throat.

“When you what? When you left your beaten up father bleeding on the kitchen floor? Surprised, huh? You didn’t expect he’d tell me about this, you son of a bitch,” he snarls straight into Christoph’s face.

“My mother wasn’t a bitch!” Christoph barks back.

“You’re no better than her, now I know why you’re like this. You’re a loser, Christoph, and everyone knows it, including my brother. Maybe that’s why he didn’t sue you for battery, because he knew that you were a loser. You even didn’t have the guts to finish what you started.”

“Fuck off, I didn’t come here to listen to your comments!” Christoph yells, anger in his voice. “If you have nothing more to say, then get the fuck out of here, you will not be offending my dead mother!”

Christoph has daggers in his eyes, his stare fierce and harsh, his hands clenched tightly. Till is only observing the development of the situation, he doesn’t want to interfere, it’s not his business after all. But he’s slightly surprised for the confidence that Christoph’s showing. 

“You’re so brave now, huh? Your father told me what a pussy you were at home. Now, you’ve got a bodyguard and you’re playing the tough one. Or maybe he’s your boyfriend, faggot?” Christoph’s uncle adds, looking at them both with contempt. 

“Sir,” Till drags in suddenly, “I kindly recommend you to go fuck yourself and never show here again. Leave Christoph alone,” he hisses, sending the other man a very angered glare, from which he seems to get smaller and weaker immediately.

He doesn’t say anything more, just huffs in response, turns around on his heel and leaves the two man alone. Christoph doesn’t understand why he can’t spend a moment in peace even at the cemetery. He looks down in disappointment, black clouds gathering over his mind again, those awful thoughts making their way back into his head. All he wants is some sympathy, but now he’s feeling even more guilty for his mother’s death. He is aware that it might not have been his fault at all, but this aspect cannot go through all the miserable scenarios that are constantly present in his mind. He’s got this abrupt need to run away again, to try to hide himself from the world, to somehow ease the pain he’s feeling again.

“I have to go for a walk,” Christoph announces and begins to walk away.

“No, no, my boy, you’re not going anywhere,” Till immediately says, grabbing the other man by his arm. “Don’t think I’ll let you go after what your uncle told you.”

“Leave me alone, Till!” Christoph barks, taking his hand away from him and turning around to face him. “I can do what I want.” 

“I don’t know what is going on in that mind of yours, so you won’t go anywhere on your own now. I won’t let you try to kill yourself again.”

“Why do you even care? I’m not a child, stop being so overprotective.” 

“I care because I’ve saved your life and I just can’t leave you like that.”

“Why can’t you do this? What is the reason? Just let me be and if I want to kill myself, I will do it and you won’t even notice. Because you don’t understand anything, Till,” Christoph says, looking straight into the other man’s eyes, his stare intense and piercing.

“I’ve been through shit too, Christoph, so I know how it feels. But I somehow managed to get myself together. All alone. I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes as I did, listen to me for once,” Till informs sternly and powerfully, stepping closer to Christoph.

“I am not you! I will make mistakes because I am a loser, didn’t you hear what my uncle said? This is just who I am and you cannot change it, no matter how hard you can possibly try. We barely know each other, how can you even suppose you can help me in any way? Never mind, don’t answer, I don’t want to hear any more talks from you, you can stop acting like my big brother or something, I don’t give a flying fuck about what you have to say…”

“Christoph, for fuck’s sake!” An annoyed yell rips out from Till’s lungs. “Stop with all this bullshit, you don’t even believe your own words. You just want me to fuck off, so that you can go away and god knows what you want to do. And I just don’t want you to do anything stupid. Don’t waste the rest of your life. Promise me that you won’t do it.”

“You are not my mother to tell me what to do.”

“Christoph…”

“Fine, if I do it, will you fuck off?” Christoph asks, rolling his eyes.

“I will.”

“I promise that I’ll come back and won’t do anything stupid. Happy?”

“Yes.”

Christoph grunts, visibly bothered, but at the same time glad that Till is no longer a pain in the ass. He doesn’t understand why he wants to protect him so much, it’s annoying to him now, but somewhere deep inside he feels that tiny warmth, the one that Till has been giving him. He doesn’t want to accept that little sensation now, but it’s there no matter how hard he wants to deny it. He appreciates this care but simply doesn’t want to let it in at the moment. He wants to be independent and strong, although he needs Till at this point in his life, they both can’t negative the truth.

Christoph walks away, fast. He doesn’t want to deal with Till any more now, he needs to work it off. He knows where to go to mute the feelings and racing thoughts. He heads to the nearest bar to drown it in the alcohol, any kind will do. He hopes it will help him forget at least for a moment. He hopes it will help him block the reality out for some time. 

Obviously, Till doesn’t know Christoph’s destination and just watches him go until he disappears behind a tree. He exhales heavily, he wishes he could’ve done more, he wishes he could’ve stopped him somehow. The damage is done. He doesn’t want to follow him or anything, for he is an adult man but something makes Till worry about Christoph, he’s almost sure that he’ll do something silly and will regret it later. What can Till do though? Nothing but sit and wait for Christoph to come back. He hopes that it’ll happen soon, not after a day or two, or a week, or a month… He shakes his head, he doesn’t want to think about it this way, he’s holding onto his trust in him, the fact that he’ll be back before midnight. In the meantime, Till should do something to distract himself from being concerned too much, he also doesn’t know why he’s feeling such an attachment (?) to Christoph. There’s just something he can’t name or describe, he only knows that it’s there. 

Christoph has spent _hours_ at the nearest bar he found. Despite this, he hasn’t consumed as much alcohol as he needs to get drunk, he’s just been sitting at one of the stools and thinking. Thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, as a result feeling a kind of a void inside himself, as if he managed to isolate himself from the world for these hours. He’s been just staring at the liquid in his glass, not knowing and at the same time knowing it too well where his place in the world is.

The time passes and it’s almost 11.30 at night and Christoph hasn’t come back home yet. Since Till returned home himself, he’s been on pins and needles, almost desperately trying to stop thinking about Christoph. He managed to do so, for an hour or two, but as it gets closer and closer to midnight, he’s growing more and more impatient. He rests on the couch, lets out a deep sigh and waits. Minutes are dragging, the waiting feels like an eternity. 

At last, Till hears knocking on the door and he’s relieved, he runs to open them and his eyes see Christoph, safe and sound, but leaning against a wall. Till can smell that Christoph has been drinking alcohol and, not wanting to risk any injuries, he helps him to go inside, into the living room. He doesn’t look too much wasted, though, he’s not mumbling anything absurd either.

“Come on, Till, I’m not as drunk as you think I am,” Christoph whines as he sits down on the couch. “I can walk normally and stand upright, there was no need to drag me here.”

“Stop complaining.”

“You are complaining.”

Till rolls his eyes and exhales with exasperation, then takes a seat next to Christoph.

“This time on my own, it was great,” Christoph starts. “I needed to reset.”

“And drown your troubles in vodka? That’s not a good idea,” Till comments, his voice full of sorry.

“Stop with that wisdom of yours,” he says sharply. “I didn’t drink much. I was thinking.”

“About what?”

Till doesn’t get an answer. He thought Christoph would open up more easily after the amount of booze he consumed. It seems that it was too little. 

“Actually,” Christoph breaks the silence after good five minutes, “I wanted to tell you why I’d run away from my home.”

Till is all ears now. This is something he’s been waiting for, maybe he’ll finally find out what made Christoph decide to end his life.

Christoph begins his story and doesn’t omit any details, he tells Till literally everything about that day, about the circumstances, even about what he bought for his mother and what he didn’t buy for his father. He explains how mad it made him be, how he criticised him, how awful and cruel his words were. He remembers his every emotion, every dagger that cut his soul into pieces and every sentence that broke his heart. He mentions that it wasn’t the only time when he experienced something like this but doesn’t want to go deeper into this subject. At least not yet, but he doesn’t reveal this one aspect to Till. 

Meanwhile, he took off his jacket for it became “too hot in here” for him.

“… and then you caught my arm and the rest is known to you,” Christoph finishes. He’s also noticeably sobered up, he’s no longer hyped up or confident, he’s come back to his gloomy and more timid self. “I know it was selfish of me to leave it all behind but I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” 

“Christoph, it was a good decision to go away from that sick place. It wasn’t anything nice.”

“But my mother…”

“She’s dead and she’s better off anywhere she is now. And she wouldn’t be angry at you for leaving. If she loved you, then she surely approved your decision.”

“I don’t know anymore… It’s just… overwhelming,” he pauses for a while. “Also,” he continues, “I’m terrible.”

“Why is that?” 

“You’ve done so much for me and I haven’t even thanked you for this…” Christoph announces, his voice full of shame. “So I… thank you very much. For everything, Till.”

He ends his sentence and stands up rapidly, then rushes to the hall to hide in the bedroom as fast as he can. He surely didn’t expect the fact that Till would catch him up just before the door and grab his forearm to stop him. Christoph turns around and his look meets Till’s one, even though it’s slightly dark around them. In this half-light, Christoph’s eyes are searching the other man’s face, seeing worry but also relief in his expression. Till’s gazing softly at Christoph, he knows that he’s on the verge of a breakdown again.

“Can you stop running away from me?” Till asks calmly, to Christoph’s amazement.

“I, I just…” He can’t find words as a vision of Till letting his hand go seems highly frightening to him.

“Christoph, calm down. It’s alright, you’re safe here,” he informs kindly and quite silently. “I know we haven’t known each other for long but you can trust me.”

Christoph’s nightmare comes true when Till releases his forearm but this feeling gets replaced as the other man takes him into his huge arms, pulling him close to himself. He’s no longer insecure now as this fantastic warmth of the other human so close to him washes over him. He exhales shakily, and then relaxes in Till’s embrace, his heart rate coming back to a normal and steady pace, his muscles no longer tensed. He closes his eyes as a large hand starts petting his back slowly, making him feel completely safe in this position. 

“Thank you, thank you again. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been on that bridge last week,” Christoph mumbles into Till’s shoulder. “You’ve saved my life and I’m being such an asshole to you.”

“It’s fine, Christoph. Don’t worry about it now, it’s late.”

“Be honest with me, Till. Am I as much of a loser as they claim?”

“No, you aren’t. They don’t know shit about you.”

Christoph swallows at these words, he wants to stop himself from a possible and unexpected sob that can leave his lungs at any moment. He snuggles up into the hug even more, he doesn’t want Till to let go now, he wants to stay like this for just a one more while. Because he’s feeling safe here and knows that Till will not judge or criticise him.

Till isn’t even thinking about releasing Christoph from his embrace. He can finally enjoy how calm Christoph can be, how still and not afraid he is when he’s in Till’s arms. He wants it to last, he wants Christoph to feel secure and serene. And he wants to hold him close, to enjoy this proximity that’s between them, to feel Christoph’s still breathing on his skin. He needs to protect him.

The minutes pass but neither of them minds it. They just can’t pull away from each other, for Christoph doesn’t want to lose the sense of security and warmth. He doesn’t expect any other movements now, so Till decides to take advantage of it. He leans into Christoph’s neck to plant a gentle and soft kiss on his skin. Christoph immediately shivers at the contact but doesn’t protest, so Till repeats his action, this time brushing his lips against the other man’s shoulder. Christoph lets out the slightest gasp, feeling strangely good, feeling at home. He can guess that it’s what he needed, a bit of attention and affection from someone, this someone being Till. He’s been longing for it, even though he probably didn’t realise it until now. 

As Christoph is lost in his thoughts, Till tells him to go to sleep, a warm whisper near his ear. He nods and sets himself free from the other man’s embrace, looking at him for just a moment. Then he disappears in the bedroom, his mind and soul extremely calm now, undisturbed, ready to fall into a deep sleep. 

Till is glad that he’s finally found a way to settle Christoph down, although he was afraid that he wouldn’t accept it. It turned out that he didn’t mind and simply let Till do whatever was on his mind. This brings peace to him, brings the feeling that maybe there is a way to help Christoph.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to send a huge thank you to wonderful komtess_ironie, who came up with the idea for this chapter, after having read Chapter IV. Following this, her idea has influenced my story and fits much better than the original one by me, so again lots of love to her <3
> 
> Also, this chapter contains graphic smut. You have been warned.

Chapter VII

Christoph wakes up with a slight headache, the amount of alcohol he consumed yesterday was still too large for him. He sits up on the bed, rubbing his face with his palm, then decides to get up and take some painkillers, he hopes there are some of them at home. To his delight – he finds them and takes two pills straight away, washing them over with a glass of water. He notices that Till is nowhere in sight and supposes he’s gone to work. Well, he surely have left because of this, since it’s 10 o’clock. At this point the realisation of what happened last night hits him mercilessly. He can’t believe that he was in Till’s arms for so long and he felt so safe in there. A part of him is ashamed of it, the other one enjoys the last night’s peace and security. He’s torn, he doesn’t know what to think about it, should he be concerned? Should he feel weak? Or maybe it’s nothing bad that he needs consolation and other man’s proximity sometimes too? He scratches his head, he’s got very mixed feelings about it all. There is regret, there is a spark of happiness, a piece of confusion, a crumb of… wanting more. No matter how hard he’s trying to deny it, he can’t forget about those soft and warm lips on his skin, about the peace of mind they brought with every slight brush… He comes back to earth, he won’t be reconsidering it all, he’ll just get by. Who is he to be thinking it over now? He’s not a woman. It just happened because Till wanted him to feel better, that’s all. A normal sign of a friendship (?) between two men. 

Christoph knows he can’t spend another day at home, because unpleasant things are still happening, even though he’s no longer at his family home. There’s so much going on in his head and he thinks that if he can’t find a distraction, then he’ll soon go crazy. He can’t let that happen, so today is a good day to go for a walk, alone. Yes, he is afraid that he’ll meet his father in the city but it can’t be a constant excuse, it’s not healthy to sit at home every day. He needs fresh air and needs to be able to do things without Till by his side. He’s a fucking grown-up man, he can’t always rely on someone else. He’s not a loser, he’s not a pussy his uncle thinks he is. He can do it on his own, he can get his shit together, some time is what he needs and everything will be fine eventually. That’s what he’s hoping for. 

Afternoon. Till comes back home but Christoph is absent. A hint of worry crosses his mind but he’s relieved when he finds a note from Christoph, which is saying that he went for a walk. A weight is lifted off his shoulders and he makes quick and simple lunch. Then he’ll be able to go. He needs to do one more thing today, and in all honesty, he’s happy that Christoph isn’t here and won’t ask him why he’s got to leave. And he’s glad that Christoph has finally decided to leave this place for a while himself, it’ll be good for him. Hopefully, he’ll stop swimming in the sea of self-loathing at least for some time. 

*********

Richard is feeling better now, four days have passed since Monday and his bruises and scratches have already started to heal. His body doesn’t hurt him as much as it did on Tuesday and his self-inflicted wounds are lighter too. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact that he already despises this day, despises himself. He’s soon going to meet the man who will be fucking him tonight and he’s terrified. He’s never tried it but he knows that if he decides to bone him in the ass, it’ll hurt like hell. He’s hoping that he won’t be too cruel and rough but he knows it’s almost impossible, for he’s the whore and he should be used to this and no one will ask him what he wants. Moreover, this will be a man, not a woman, he’s never met a woman who wanted to hurt him too badly, he’s only had some occasional slightly sado-masochistic encounters. But what if this man is more into it? What if Richard is too frightened to take part in it? What if he does so poorly that he’ll be thrown out of this work? He doesn’t want to think about it but he can’t stop it. He’s never been scared before another meeting but today it’s different. Because he’s never had sex with a man yet and he has no idea what it will look like. 

It’s soon time to go to work, so with a heavy soul, Richard changes his clothes into something quite smart, just as his boss instructed him. A shirt will do, and no, he isn’t putting it on at his workplace because he simply hasn’t got such clothes there. Those ones are more inappropriate and him being in a more elegant outfit was the client’s wish. At least he won’t disappoint him on this score. He looks at himself in the mirror and he’s ashamed of himself, of the fact that this is reality, that his job looks like this, that he’ll reach the goddamn bottom tonight. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to do this for long, he’ll need to change his job if he wants to be a normal man, who respects himself and who’s proud of himself. Who isn’t just a product on a market, who isn’t a toy to play with. But before this can happen, he has to survive tonight.

He arrives at his work a bit earlier than he should, so that he can maybe gather some information about his client, maybe some of the girls know him. Richard asks all the present ones there and one of them is almost sure whom he’s going to meet. She sees his nervous state and tries to calm him down, for she’s spent a few nights with that man and he has never done anything against her will and boundaries. She advises Richard to relax, drink a glass of wine maybe, to let it go and treat it like an ordinary day at work. 

Richard is sitting in one of the many bedrooms, waiting for his time to come. Even though he drank a glass of wine and heard a lot of comforting words from the girls, he’s still tensed, tapping his foot against the floor, trying to collect his thoughts. It’s not easy though, for thousands of them are running through his mind. The only one of them, which he can hold onto, is the thought of this evening being over. This is what’s keeping him sane and able to do it all. 

He freezes as he hears laughing outside the door, as he hears his boss’ contented voice greeting the client, he’s sounding as if he knew him really well. He bites his lip as he hears steps closing in to the door, then swallows hard when it’s being opened. He sits upright, calming down his jumping foot and releasing a quiet exhale. He remains in his position, knowing very well to wait for any further instructions. 

“Stand up, but don’t turn around. And take off your shirt,” a voice from behind commands lowly, but softly. 

Richard doesn’t say anything, he just fulfils the other man’s order. He gets up from the bed and then, in complete silence, undoes his shirt, one button after another, to finally get rid of it and throw it on the floor. His back is now exposed to his client who doesn’t waste any second to look at it carefully. It seems so smooth and nice to touch, apart from being a pleasant view. But, the man hasn’t come here to stare at Richard’s back all night, he’s here to do something else, so he just walks over to Richard, being very impatient to see his face, to find out if he’s really as pretty as some claim. As he’s there, just in front of him, he knows they are right and that Richard has such a handsome but also boyish face. He lifts his hand up to touch his soft cheek with his big, calloused hand, and this makes Richard look up and finally discover who he’s serving tonight. Richard sees a huge man, wide at shoulders and most likely toned, his face scarred but handsome anyway, his eyes blue with a hint of green, his dark bangs falling onto one side of his forehead, which looks quite charming. That doesn’t make Richard less nervous though. 

“You really are a pretty boy, they were absolutely right,” the man says, rubbing Richard’s cheek with his thumb. “They also told me that you’d never had sex with a man. Is that true?”

“Yes, it is,” Richard answers, his voice shaky. 

“Are you nervous? Be honest.”

“I am.”

“You’re afraid it’ll hurt, aren’t you?”

“That’s correct,” Richard replies, looking anywhere but at the other man’s face.

“Don’t be. I’ll try to be gentle with you, I don’t want to ruin it for you. I don’t want you to be afraid of me that much. But remember that I am in charge here,” the man announces sternly. 

“Of course. May I know your name?” Richard asks sheepishly. 

“Later. Now I want you to address me by “sir”. Understand?”

“Yes, sir,” after saying these words, he gulps. 

“Good. Relax now, Zven. We’re here to have fun.”

The man’s voice rumbles deeply in his chest, making Richard shiver even more. He takes his hand away from his face, being amazed by Richard’s looks. He closes himself to him, still admiring his young features. Then, wrapping his large hand around Richard’s neck, he leans in to kiss him tenderly on his soft lips, slightly brushing them with his own ones. He’s tasting him, discovering his mouth, keeping him still with the firm grip on his throat. The kiss gets hotter and deeper, the man’s nibbling on Richard’s lower lip, making him whimper weakly, but then he stops, forcing Richard to be patient. 

“Get on your knees, Zven,” he orders, releasing his neck. 

Richard obeys him immediately, falling down onto his knees, bowing his head slightly. A smirk appears on the client’s face. 

“Good boy,” he praises, ruffling Richard’s hair a bit. “You’re going to follow me now. On all fours.”

Richard swallows hard but says no word of complaint, he knows he has to be as good as he can, he has to satisfy the other man. He plants his hands flat on the floor and begins to crawl behind his master, his eyes almost constantly glued to the floor. He follows him until he sits down on the other edge of the bed, with his elbows resting on his knees, slightly leaning forward. Richard stays on the floor before him, not even daring to glance up at him.

“You’re great at it, Zven,” he purrs, a slight smile of contentment plastered on his face. “Strip down. But don’t get up.”

It’s not the easiest task to do but Richard manages to undo his belt and unzip his trousers as well as take off the rest of his clothes, staying on the floor. His moves are unsure, shaky, he’s trying to hide it but he can’t and the man notices his trembling hands. He wants him to come closer, he gestures him to do so, and Richard obeys, shyness radiating from him. He’s so aware that he shouldn’t be acting like this but he can do nothing about it. With his eyes still down, he approaches the man, still on all fours, and stops when he’s between his legs. 

“Come here, Zven,” he says warmly, cupping his jaw and lifting his face up, so that it’s on the same level as his one. 

He looks at Richard’s quivering lips, then kisses him passionately, wanting him to finally calm down and relax. It’s slow at first, but it soon turns into a heated meeting, full of biting Richard’s lips and French kissing. The man grabs Richard’s hands and leads them to the buttons of his shirt, encouraging him to start undoing them. Richard doesn’t hesitate and begins to do it, being heavily consumed by the man’s mouth crashing against his own, by the quiet but deep grunts coming out from his lungs. He can’t hide that when the man’s shirt is finally out of the way to his body, he gets very aroused by what his hands can now touch (even though he thinks he’s not into men, his body is reacting anyway). He feels and notices a muscled and strong chest, arms and stomach, his slightly tensed abs hidden inside. Richard looks down to see the man’s hairy belly and whines as he kisses his neck, biting it playfully, then licking it all the way down to his shoulder. Richard is excited by this, his arousal slowly pooling in his lower stomach, making him harder with every minute. He lets out a faltering sigh then gazes into the man’s eyes, awaiting his next moves. He watches him unbuckle his own belt, then undo his pants, to take them off along with the lower pieces of his clothing. Richard comes back to his spot on the floor, just between the man’s legs, feeling some relief, for it hasn’t been _too_ bad for now. He’s muting his shame and disgust, he wants to do his job well, he’s done a lot already and doesn’t want to fail now. 

“Show me what you can do, Zven,” the man demands, looking down at him.

“Of course, but I, I’ve never…” 

“You’ve never had a dick in your mouth, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll see how it goes.”

Richard nods and then, attaching his still wet lips to the man’s stomach, pulls down his underwear. He continues his trail of pecks downwards, drawing a sharp exhale from his temporary master. He keeps going lower, until his mouth is just above his half-hard shaft. He looks down at it, he’s fucking huge, and licks his lips. He glances up to get an inviting nod from the man, then places his tongue at the base and slides it the whole way up. The man lets out a pleased sigh, making Richard more eager to repeat his move, but slightly slower this time. He’s focused on his work but also thinking about anything but this, but his utter disgust because of what he’s being made to do. 

After a few more teasing licks, the man grabs Richard by his hair, a demanding grip that can mean only one thing. Richard doesn’t hesitate and just takes him into his mouth, feeling him inside, tasting him to the fullest. He wraps his lips tightly around him and begins to move his head up and down, going smoothly and in a steady pace, making the man growl in contentment and pleasure. He’s enjoying Richard’s work, even though he’s never blown any man in his life. He doesn’t deep-throat him, but it’s still bringing him a lot of bliss, bringing him that feeling of satisfaction.

“Enough,” the man says, breathing heavily, releasing Richard’s hair. Richard stops and the man’s dick slips out of his mouth with a vulgar sound. “I want to fuck your ass now. Get on the bed, on your hands and knees.”

“As you wish, sir,” Richard answers, staring into his master’s eyes, his voice breaks. His own member twitches as he hears the man’s dirty order.

He pulls away and as the man stands up, he crawls onto the bed while fear is gathering in his mind. He remains on all fours like a dog, sticking his ass out a bit. The client is enjoying this sight, those two nice buttocks just on front of his eyes. Meanwhile, he takes a bottle of lube that’s on the bedside table, waiting to be used, and squeezes some of it onto his fingers. He approaches Richard, then starts spreading it between his cheeks, his fingers brushing against Richard’s hole, making him flinch and gasp at this cold and unfamiliar contact. The man grips Richard’s hip with his free hand and then slides one thick finger into him slowly, without rush. Richard grips the bedsheets, biting his lip, the weird feeling of being stretched confuses him. The man doesn’t go deep, he thrusts very shallowly, but after a while adds another finger, this time reaching farther. Richard grunts, his muscles tightening, his breathing unsteady, yet, his arousal is still growing, he’s feeling more heat gather in his lower belly. He lets out a deep exhale, as the man’s moving his fingers in and out of him, making him used to feeling this kind of fullness, preparing him for the real intercourse. While pumping Richard’s ass, the man notices bruises on his back, and begins to wonder how he got them, because they don’t really look like ones that he might’ve had after some cruel meeting with a client. 

The man decides that it’s enough, so he takes his fingers out of Richard’s hole, takes a small packet out of one of his trousers’ pockets, opens it and puts a condom on his now fully erect shaft. He grabs the lube again, applying it onto his dick and between Richard’s butts, then grips his hips with his hands tightly, moving Richard closer, forcing him to spread his legs wider. Richard’s breathing heavily, his chest heaving, his own member hard and neglected, the tension all over his body. He’d love to touch himself but he doesn’t do it without permission and keeps waiting, hoping that his master will take care of it in a while. He doesn’t need to wait long though, for the man slides one of his hands down along Richard’s skin to wrap his hand around Richard’s dick. He begins to move it up and down in a slow manner, making Richard inhale sharply and swallow hard, but also relax at the same time, so that muscles in his ass aren’t so flexed either. The man takes advantage of it and quickly slides two inches of himself into that young ass, drawing a loud grunt from Richard. He’s breathing with an open mouth as he’s feeling that weird stinging pain, that strange sensation of stretching his hole. He can’t keep thinking about it for too long because he gets distracted by the pleasure that’s coming from his member being stroked in a peaceful tempo. A shaky sigh escapes his lungs as he’s trying to get used to that huge cock invading his ass. The sensations are overwhelming, he has never felt like this before, his breath shaky, heat pooling in his lower stomach gradually, his legs twitching, the tension still building inside him. 

A loud throaty groan leaves the man’s lungs as he keeps rocking his hips back and forth, driving his dick deeper and deeper into Richard’s ass. He seems to have finally got more or less used to this fullness, to the rapture that it’s giving him. After those slow and gentle strokes, the man begins to move quicker, begins to fuck Richard’s asshole, while constantly jerking him off, synchronising his hand’s and hips’ pace. He tightens his strong hold on Richard’s hip, making him whine miserably and let out a filthy moan. The obscene sounds of flesh meeting flesh are echoing in the room, getting mixed with low grunts and heavy exhales. Richard is no more thinking about how gross this whole situation is, he can’t help but give in to the pleasure that’s coming from his member being blissfully stroked and his ass receiving a good and deep penetration. He didn’t suppose he’d enjoy this so much.

Both men are getting closer and closer to the edge, beads of sweat on their foreheads, their muscles trembling. Richard’s letting out broken moans, closing his eyes, waiting for the pleasure to erupt in him. He knows he’s almost there, just like the other man, who’s now giving him firm and fast thrusts. Deep growls are escaping his mouth, his hands working quickly on Richard’s shaft, driving him crazy, driving him over the verge after a few more moments. Richard’s muscles tense and then unclench, the heat gathered between his legs spreads violently all over his body, making him scream, sweat and burrow his head in the sheets, feeling as thousands of blissful spasms shake his body, making him cum onto his belly and onto the bed. As he’s still experiencing his climax, the man behind him finishes hard too, leaning forwards, so that his hairy chest meets Richard’s wet back. He lets out a deep and satisfied grunt of rapture, his dick throbbing inside Richard, between his tight walls. He closes his eyes as spurts of his own seed shoot out of him, making him tremble from overflowing pleasure.

“I’m proud of you, Zven,” the man whispers as the last aftershocks travel through his body. “Thank you,” he continues and kisses Richard on the nape of his neck.

“Thank you too, sir,” Richard mumbles, heavenly tired.

After a good quarter of silence, Richard is still resting on the bed, his eyes half-closed, his limbs perfectly sore. He’s looking at the other man, who’s just finished putting his clothes back on. He turns around and gazes at Richard with a tiny, but warm smile on his lips. 

“You’ve been a good boy, Zven. Did it hurt much?” The man asks with care.

“It was quite awful at the beginning but… it got better later,” Richard replies, his cheeks flushed. 

“Don’t be surprised if your ass hurts tomorrow. Don’t worry, it’ll let go,” he announces and searches for something in his pocket. “Here you go. I know you don’t get much money from your boss, so take it. As a tip. Don’t tell anyone about this,” he informs and puts the sum on the bedside table.

“Thanks a lot,” Richard says, shocked but grateful, sitting up on the bed.

“We might meet again soon, I liked the time I spent with you. We’ll see.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Let me ask you one more thing before I leave. Those bruises on your back, how did you earn them?” The man asks out of curiosity. “But don’t fool me.” 

Richard considers it for a while, not knowing if he should answer truthfully or not. 

“I’ll keep it to myself,” the man promises. 

“I stole some money and my boss… Ugh, I just wanted to earn more and he doesn’t want to pay me as much as I’d like to. What else could I have done?”

“I get your point, it’s fine. Have this money I gave you. Goodbye, Zven,” the man informs and heads to the door.

“Will you tell me what your name is before you go?”

Till fulfils Richard’s request and then leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, don't hate our Tilly after this chapter! The man has his reasons and simply needed to sort things out in his way. It'll get clearer soon, I promise.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter VIII

Till is coming back home and the only thing that he’s feeling is a kind of a strange regret. It’s been with him since he left for work today and thought that the already planned meeting with Zven would help him get rid of this emotion. It didn’t and it’s annoying Till even more. He doesn’t know why he regrets something but doesn’t know what it is exactly. It’s just his permanent feeling for today and he does hope that it’ll be gone tomorrow. He doesn’t need it in his life, his mind has always been full of negatives and another portion of regret will only make the burden heavier. 

As he arrives, he goes to the living room straight away, for he hears the TV playing, which should indicate that Christoph hasn’t gone to sleep yet. Well, he couldn’t have been more wrong but before he decides to wake Christoph up, who’s lying on the couch and is far away in his dreams, he notices an almost empty bottle of whiskey. Till sighs heavily at the sight. Firstly, it’s okay if Christoph buys something using Till’s money unless it’s alcohol. Only Till can buy it and he knows he has to make it clearer to Christoph. Secondly, he doesn’t want Christoph to consume too much of it, because he knows what effect it can have on people. He’s found about it himself and simply has the need to protect Christoph from all the problems he might have because of it. Maybe it’s a weird worry about a stranger but Till can’t help it. He needs to look after Christoph in a way, he’s felt responsible for him since he prevented him from jumping off the bridge. He doesn’t know why this need has appeared, yet he has no power over it. 

Till grabs the bottle and lifts it up to taste the liquid himself but he almost can’t swallow it for it’s such a shit. He frowns and makes a face at the awful taste, he can’t understand why Christoph bought this crap. He doesn’t want this in his house anymore, he pours it out into the sink in the kitchen and throws the bottle out. He comes back to the living room and stares at sleeping Christoph for a while. A thought about not waking him up crosses his mind but he wants to make him suffer, let him know that this is not what he’s allowed to do while he’s staying here. Suddenly, as Till is considering it, a hint of discomfort crawls onto him when he realises that Christoph will most likely leave him some day. Any day. Instant fear of being lonely crashes his lungs, makes it hard to breathe and an unexpected shroud of stress falls over his reason. Luckily, he’s almost immediately back on earth when Christoph moves on the couch, then turns around and falls down onto the floor with a loud thump. Till winces slightly, watching the other man swear and slowly sit up, rubbing his aching arm. 

“You’re back,” Christoph mumbles, squinting at Till. 

“Yes. And you’re drunk,” Till states scornfully, his arms folded.

“I, at least, left a note for you when I went out.”

“I know, thanks. But, by contrast to you, I haven’t tried to kill myself yet.”

“Why are you bringing it up again? I’m sick of hearing it every fucking day. I just want to say that you could’ve left a note for me too, so that I wouldn’t have to worry and drink.”

“Are you suggesting that it’s my fault?”

“Kind of.”

Till can’t believe his own ears, he’s just staring at Christoph, astonished. He stays silent as the other man gets up and turns the TV off. He exhales, his head down, he scowls at Till but doesn’t say anything. Till can’t tell if Christoph is annoyed or regretful or out of any particular emotions. With a slight sway of his body, he tries to go somewhere but seeing that it’ll bring him nothing but an almost certain fall, he sits down on the couch, leaning against the backrest. Till is observing him, not knowing if he should do or say anything more. He can’t treat him like a child and tell him what is right and what is wrong but at the same time he doesn’t want to let him hurt himself. He’s not blind, he sees that Christoph is longing for some self-destructive activities. He’s surprised that he hasn’t used any knives from the kitchen yet if he wants to “punish” himself for something. But maybe Till is wrong? Maybe this isn’t the case at all?

Before Christoph can start complaining about Till standing like an old grumpy man next to him, he just joins him on the couch. He rests comfortably on it, disorientating Christoph a bit. He turns his head, his face and look very suspicious. Even though he’s drunk, in this silence and strange atmosphere, and nothing else to do (because why should he start a talk if he doesn’t have anything to say?), he starts examining Till’s features. He hasn’t done it before, really, so why not do it now, he thinks. Why not look at the man you’re currently living with for a while? He gazes at his face, goes all over it with his cold blue eyes, noticing the most visible features – his nice lips, strong nose and slightly sad eyes. He keeps looking intensely as if there was nothing else in this world but the man next to him, who doesn’t even glance at him with the corner of his eye.

“Stop staring,” Till snarls, his voice a low rumble.

Christoph takes his gaze off Till, searching for anything to lay an eye on in a panic-like manner. 

“You don’t like it?” Christoph can’t help but ask.

“I hate it.”

“Why?”

Christoph doesn’t get an answer, although he really expected to get one. Despite his drunk state, he doesn’t push it and just leaves this topic be. He’s still curious and would love to know the reason so much that he’d die for it now. The alcohol is clearly showing its effects, his head is dizzy and he’s thinking only about such absurd now. 

“You can’t buy alcohol for my money. Especially such crap like today,” Till states flatly but fiercely anyway, pulling Christoph out of his own head. “It… doesn’t do you any good.”

“You’re saying this as if you didn’t drink at all,” Christoph blurts out, rolling his eyes.

“I don’t drink to such a high extent. I don’t make myself mumble, sway and talk shit.”

“So what are you suggesting if you’re such an expert?”

“Don’t drink.”

“You used to do so yourself and now you’re acting like a fucking saint? You’re not innocent either, even though I don’t know what happened when you were younger.”

“I’ve gained experience since that time,” Till continues his blunt talk, staring at the wall, his face emotionless. Christoph can’t read anything from it.

“What an experienced grumpy adult we have here!” Christoph exclaims and stands up rapidly, waving his hands in the air. “Do you have all the answers or what? Who do you think you are? If you don’t know, I am an adult too, and I know very well what I should do and what I shouldn’t do. I will drink as much as I can, who are you to stop me now?” He yells, swaying, the world around him swirling in his eyes. 

Till lets out a deep and annoyed sigh, then bows his head, shaking it in disbelief. He doesn’t comprehend why Christoph is behaving like this, is it all because of the whiskey? Is it the reason why he is like this, why he is so explosive? Or is it just his nature, is it what he hides every day and it just needs to erupt from time to time? It turns out that Till still knows nothing about his new flatmate, he still isn’t aware of what he can possibly do, what he’s likely to tell what his true character is. He’s been so volatile and the only thing that Till can tell from this is the fact that Christoph must’ve been seriously hurt, both physically and mentally, to be in such a state. He’s free now, his father is no longer a threat and he can just let it go. Unfortunately, he does it in a destructive way.

“Got nothing wise to say now? You claim you’re so experienced, so show me some of this experience!” Christoph goes on with his rant. 

“I’ve been doing this all the time, haven’t you noticed?”

“What for? You only keep talking and talking… Why? It’s useless, you know it but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You know you can’t help me no matter how hard you try. All your advice… it just does nothing. You cannot control me and the things I do, you’re annoyed because it’s all slipping through your fingers. I suggest that you stop being so overprotective because it will lead you nowhere. I’ll do what I want,” he informs rudely, his fists tightly clenched, his stare wild and angry.

Till isn’t going to listen to more of what Christoph has to say, he needs to cut him down to size. He didn’t want to use the arguments he’s going to use now but he has no other choice. He wants to protect Christoph at all costs, even though he isn’t sure why he craves it so badly. There is that inner need that makes him do this, but what it is – he still doesn’t know. But he won’t be thinking about it now. He gets up from the couch and approaches Christoph, their eyes almost on the same level. Christoph’s looking at Till with a sly smile, feeling confident but Till knows that this confidence of his will fade away in a second. 

“Sure you will. But as long as you live in this house, you will do what I want. If it doesn’t please you, you’re free to go away any time. Just leave if I bother you so much. If you don’t like this place so much. No one’s keeping you here against your will. But think about what you will do if you leave. Where will you go? What will you do? Will you even find a job or a temporary house? I don’t know, maybe you will, but if I were you, I wouldn’t expect as much hospitality from people as you get from me. This is the truth, Christoph. If it hadn’t been for me, you would’ve been dead or at least homeless, cold, soaking wet and hungry. Think about my words, listen to this advice, I’m asking you for this one last time. Think about it all. And I won’t stop you if you decide to leave. You don’t need to say any goodbyes to me. Just get out if that’s what you want so badly.”

The words have come out sternly, harshly and with conviction. Till is very self-assured at the moment, he’s looking straight into Christoph’s eyes, whose stance has severely lost its power and will to fight, now there’s fear and disappointment in his freezing cold and miserable stare. He can’t believe what has just happened, this is not what he was expecting and he’s completely bewildered by it. His thoughts are racing wildly, the comedown feeling terribly heavy in his chest and heart, his hands tightly clenched, making the fingernails dig into the flesh. He’s feeling as if he failed, went down, sank, drowned, suffocated. He’s lost again. He’s proved himself he’s a one big failure one more time and he can’t stand it, the unimaginable hate towards his own self is creeping all over him now. He can’t do anything, he can’t move, he can’t breathe. He wants to disappear. 

“I’ll be gone in the morning. I’ll give you what you want. I don’t need any mercy from you, I’ll spend here one more night and then I will never show in your life again,” Christoph informs dryly, his voice lacks any emotions even though there’s a chaos in his head.

Without a word, Christoph walks away and hides in the bedroom. 

Till is mad at Christoph, he doesn’t even try to cover it up. He can’t comprehend why Christoph is like that. He’s aware that his life has never been good to him but he’s safe and sound now, he should be glad that he doesn’t need to spend nights in abandoned and filthy buildings or on cold and uncomfortable benches in a park, that he doesn’t need to worry about what he’ll eat or whether he’ll catch a cold or not because he can live with Till, giving almost nothing in exchange. Till only wants him to listen to him, he wants him not to harm himself, to take care of himself when Till is at work. He doesn’t even force him to find a job for he wants him to do it when he’s ready. But still, it seems not to be enough, Christoph can’t do the simplest things for Till. Well, on the other hand, it seems now that he can. He’ll leave tomorrow, it was a part of Till’s request but… it was something he didn’t really want to come true, he didn’t even want to say it all out loud but he needed to play with Christoph, manipulate him in a way, to make him see certain aspects that are bad for him at last. He’s not sure if he has achieved his goal. In some way – yes, he has, but it’s not exactly what he wanted or anticipated. 

Till sits back down on the couch and sighs heavily, rubbing his face with his palms. He’s feeling so tired after it all, so he gives his weary being some rest. He leans his head against the backrest, and closes his eyes, hoping for some sleep to come soon.

The feeling of fatigue is haunting Christoph too. As soon as he closes the door behind him, he collapses onto the bed, the sheets and blankets letting him sink into them. He can’t stop thinking about how awful and pathetic he is, how much pain he’s been bringing to everyone, what a piece of shit he is. He’s certain that his father was right about him when he told him that he was only a burden, a problem. A whine of utter pain leaves Christoph’s lungs, it falls straight into a pillow, so it becomes inaudible. He can’t stand himself for being so weak, for feeling so shitty, for being such an ungrateful loser. He bites the pillow aggressively, muffling a sob that wants to escape his mouth so badly, making a bitter tear flow down his cheek. It only worsens Christoph’s state, the feeling of immense fragility is making him sick. He can’t even control how much force he uses to press his fingernails into his hands, ripping apart the skin that’s barely recovered. He keeps hurting himself, digging deeper and deeper, the pain strong and burning, blood already rolling down his knuckles and wrists, falling onto the sheets, damping them and dyeing them dark red. Christoph squeezes his eyes shut, keeping his fists clenched, fingers all covered in blood. He wants it all to just stop, his pain, sorrow, emotions... Everything. Anything. Something.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter IX

The room is cold and silent in the morning, making Christoph wake up with a shiver and strong feeling of loneliness. He opens his puffy eyes, his tired gaze searching the space around him. It wasn’t a peaceful night for him, he barely slept few hours. It wasn’t because of intense thinking, it was because of the sorrow that had taken over him since the argument with Till. Since he made a decision to leave. If only Christoph hadn’t been the way he had last night… Maybe everything would be fine and he wouldn’t have to be worrying about what he can do now, about where to go, who to turn to. He knows he can’t ask Till for anything more, in fact, he’d love to go out without any sound, not to make Till notice it. He’s already utterly ashamed of himself and he doesn’t need further embarrassment. 

He sits up on the edge of the bed and just when he wants to rub his face with his hands, he notices they’re all red and covered in dried up blood. His inner palms are stiff, every move of his fingers strains the skin that has to recover once again. It’s unpleasant and hurts. Christoph sighs in disappointment, then looks back and notices how dirty the sheets are, blood has soaked deep into the fabric. Christoph has destroyed them and is aware that they can be only thrown out now, there’s no way to wash the blood off. Regret hits him, he’s even sadder now that he’s leaving after damaging Till’s stuff. 

Is there still any point in his life? He highly doubts it.

Reluctantly, he gets up and, deeply resigned, heads to the door to open it and go out as quietly as he can. He doesn’t hear any noises or shuffling in the living area and doesn’t see anyone moving either, so he assumes that Till is still asleep or already at work. He keeps looking around and his eyes finally meet the sight of sleeping Till, who’s splayed out on the couch, snoring lightly. So comfortable. And peaceful. Christoph wishes he had slept so well too. Without any sound, he passes the other man, and goes straight to the front door. He looks back to see the tranquillity in sleeping Till again, to remember him the best he can for he has fucking saved his life, no matter how hard he’d like to deny it or forget about it. He hates coming back to this subject, but this is the truth. The fact. And he can’t change it. He can only be grateful that Till has done such an admirable thing for him. In all honesty, he’s done so many admirable things for Christoph… 

Christoph’s at the front door, his jacket in his hand. He’s staring at the door knob, he’s painfully aware that there’s no turning back now and that he has to go away. He’s slowly realising what a huge mistake he made last night, another wave of regret closing in. He leans his forehead against the door, closing his eyes, forcing himself to finally open this goddamn door. He’s in despair, on a verge of tears. Miserable. Weak. Helpless. Useless. As always. He swallows dryly, his throat needs some water desperately but he doesn’t dare to come back to drink something in the kitchen. He has to leave. He must leave. He cannot stay. 

He lazily opens his eyes, they’re glued to the door before him. His breathing uneasy, his mind clouding with the feeling of infinite heartache, pain and regret, he’s immersed in his own depression and helplessness. He’s nowhere to go, nothing to do. He can go and jump off that fucking bridge, this is what he’s got to do if he’s not staying at Till’s place. He literally can’t think about anything else and it makes him feel even worse than he’s feeling now. It’s as if his whole existence was screaming how bad his situation is, what an awful human being he is and he can hardly stand it. 

Christoph lets out a shaky exhale, he turns around and leans his back against the door, then slides down along it to eventually sit on the floor. He draws his knees close to his chest, and keeps sitting there, silently, contemplating, knowing that leaving is not as easy as he thought it would be. He wants to force himself to get up and just leave but it’s getting harder and harder with every minute. He knows he has to do this but he simply can’t. He feels as if there was nothing that could make him stand up now, even though he’s so aware that this is the right thing to do. 

After a good quarter of just being, Christoph looks down at his hands, he examines them and the damage he’s done. The skin is ripped, red, aching, covered in scabs. Stiff and unpleasant. He keeps staring at the injuries, then begins to pluck at the scabs and the remainders of the last night’s sorrow. With every stronger pull, he hisses with pain and watches carefully as blood begins to drip from his inner palms again. Disgusting. Disgusting just like him, he thinks. 

His hands are slowly being covered in blood again, the exposed flesh hurts like hell, making tiny teardrops roll out of his eyes. He hates himself for doing this, for doing this damage to himself but at the same time he’s feeling weird relief. Something makes him stop thinking about his mental pain and utter sorrow. 

Christoph is so consumed by his activity that he doesn’t notice the presence of the other man in front of him at first. He leaves his massacred hands alone and lifts up his gaze slowly, his teary eyes meet Till’s sleepy ones. He’s looking at the scene before him in disbelief, he can’t understand why Christoph is on the floor, why his hands are bleeding, what is going on… 

“I, I… I’m leaving already, sorry if I woke you up,” Christoph starts, and attempts to get up but resigns as he hears Till’s soft voice.

“You didn’t. And you don’t have to go.”

“I do, I’m too much of a bastard and a burden to you. I’ll manage it on my own… somehow.”

“Christoph,” he says calmly and kneels just in front of the other man. “I know I said a lot yesterday but… It didn’t mean you weren’t welcome here. Because you are.”

“Stop saying that. I have to go,” Christoph announces, his voice hoarse.

“Let me help you,” Till offers warmly, making Christoph search his face with his sad blue eyes, he’s looking for the smallest hints of doubts there but he doesn’t find any. It’s more than certain that Till means what he’s saying.

“You can’t…” Christoph whines weakly.

“I can. Don’t be so stubborn. I promise you I’ll help you as well as I can.”

A wave of warmth washes over Christoph’s heart at these kind and consoling words. A sparkle of hope is ignited in him. Maybe there is a way to make his life better than that, than this endless suffering and humiliation. 

“How can you help me if you don’t know me?” Christoph questions, he doesn’t trust Till’s words.

“Let me get to know you then. Stop working it off by hurting yourself,” he says as he glances down at Christoph’s bleeding hands.

“I… I can’t do this, I…”

Christoph gets interrupted and becomes silent as Till pulls him into an embrace unexpectedly. Christoph is disorientated at first, he doesn’t know what is happening but he gradually gets used to those strong arms around him, offering him warmth and safety. He rests his chin on Till’s shoulder, then wraps his own arms around the other man’s back, clutching his T-shirt, creasing it, and smudging it with blood. Neither of them cares about it. Christoph squeezes his eyes shut, and clenches his jaw, wild feelings rushing all over him. Until this moment, he probably hasn’t realised that he wants to stay here with Till _that_ much. All of his insecurities seem to be less scary when he’s around him, there is a ray of hope that his problems might get solved one day, with Till’s help. Christoph can’t put his finger on the reason why he feels kind of stronger near Till, he can’t find the cause of this strange attachment to that man. He’s never felt like that before. Whatever it is, it doesn’t really matter now. What does, though, is the fact that he can stay here, that Till wants him to stay, that he doesn’t want him to be completely left alone. Is it because Till thinks that Christoph wouldn’t make it on his own? Christoph shrugs this thought off immediately, he feels it’s impossible for Till to be reasoning like this.

Finally, this stupid idea of leaving is almost gone from Christoph’s mind, Till thinks as he keeps the other man close to his strong body. Again, he’s managed to calm Christoph down by hugging him, by giving him hospitality and trust, and he’s glad about it. And he truly wants to help him, for he can see that he’s lost, hurt and lonely. Lonely just like he’s been most of his life. He knows how it feels and can’t stand this anymore, that being another reason why he wants Christoph to stay at his place. Just to cure the longing for other man’s presence, for company. Especially when someone like Christoph needs it so desperately too. Till is sure that Christoph wouldn’t make it on his own, even though he says he would. But this Till doesn’t tell to him, he knows that it would do unwanted harm, and might cause Christoph to leave and this is what Till can’t think about.

“Christoph?” Till asks silently. “Will you stay here?”

Christoph opens his eyes at the question, looking for the answer which is more than obvious now. He clings onto Till even more, burrowing his face into the other man’s neck. He’s aware that he has to overcome this terrible feeling of being weak and hopeless and that he needs to say these words. 

“I will,” he mutters under his breath.

They both are relieved and can feel each other’s tensed muscles relax. Despite this, neither of them dares to pull away from one another. It’s as if the two of them needed it, needed the other human’s closeness and warmth. 

“Let’s go to the bathroom. We need to dress the wounds on your hands,” Till offers after a long while of silence and Christoph nods in agreement.

Christoph’s hands have already been washed, sterilised and covered in bandages. He’s now standing at the bathroom door, leaning against the door frame, staring bluntly at the floor. His arms are folded, his palms are still stinging a bit, for he has damaged the skin really much. He’s ashamed because of it but at the same time he knows he couldn’t help it. It just had to happen. He’s used to that.

The silence is hanging above the two men, only the water flowing from the tap can be heard. Till is almost done with cleaning the bloody mess that they have caused on the floor and in the washbasin. 

“The sheets in your bedroom… they’re dirty too…” Christoph confesses quietly.

“Yeah, I know I have to wash them no need to…”

“Blood dripped onto them,” Christoph announces coldly, cutting Till off. 

The other man turns around to face him, but Christoph’s eyes are still glued to the floor. Now Till knows that he hasn’t done this only this morning but he also did it last night. He keeps looking at him and sighs deeply, leaning against the countertop. He shakes his head in disbelief.

“I’ll try to wash the stains off. Or I’ll just throw the sheets out,” he simply comments. 

“Sorry for that. And for your T-shirt too.”

“Never mind. You’d better tell me why you did this to yourself,” Till demands fiercely, but there’s still care in his tone. 

Christoph shrugs, silent. 

“Come on, Christoph, tell me.”

“I can’t control it.”

“I’m sure you can. But this isn’t the answer to my question.” 

Christoph remains silent, again. He’d love to hide from Till’s intense stare but he doesn’t want to run away. His pride doesn’t let him do this. It makes him stand still and just take this disappointed look of the other man. He’s a fucking man, he has to be tough and bear it. 

“Don’t hurt yourself anymore,” Till commands softly. 

“And where were you yesterday evening?” Christoph asks, completely ignoring the other man’s words.

“In a whorehouse,” Till replies casually. “I’ll take you with me next time. The meeting yesterday was arranged for me, so…”

“Sure,” Christoph says flatly, interrupting the other man again. Despite this, a strange and unpleasant feeling hits him all of the sudden, but he can’t tell what it is. He only knows that it’s weird and he’d like it to fade away as soon as possible. “It was expensive, wasn’t it? Where did you have money for it?”

“There’s something that’s called saving money, you know?”

Christoph rolls his eyes at the comment.

“So you save your money to go fuck some whores?” he continues, slightly astonished.

“I have my needs.”

“Why don’t you find a girlfriend then?”

Till snorts, and shakes his head in disbelief. He averts his gaze, he’s sure that Christoph thinks that it’s all so simple. But it isn’t. Christoph obviously doesn’t know it, for where would he know it? How would he know it if Till never told him too much about himself? And at the same time he’d like Christoph to tell him more about himself too.

“Look at me and you’ll know why,” Till says with a faint and sad smile on his face.

Christoph doesn’t really understand him because he’s not the one to judge him and his looks. To Christoph, Till is a normal man, and despite his maybe a bit rough appearance, his maybe slightly too big nose, and his scarred face, he is a truly handsome man. Christoph doesn’t get why girls don’t find him attractive while he is actually very good-looking. 

Yet, there’s something more than just the outside.

Christoph isn’t now taking into account the fact that he’s got to know Till since he started living with him. It might not be much, but still. He’s surely noticed his hospitality, the warmth and patience he has towards him, this strange but extremely kind and helpful sympathy, the need to be helping him no matter what. Such thoughts doesn’t noticeably cross Christoph’s mind, but they are surely somewhere in his subconscious. These feelings draw him to Till, make him want to stay at his place, near him, he knows deep inside that he can rely on him in a way, that he can trust him but it’s not obvious to him yet. What also appeals to him is the fact that Till didn’t just simply throw him out of the house when he wasn’t the best companion. He gave him a choice and even though Christoph _decided_ to leave, he made him stay, he convinced him to stay because… he cares about him?

The two men let the subject of appearance drop. Without any more words, Christoph stays at the door, waiting for Till, watching as he’s trying to wash the blood off his T-shirt in cold water. At the same time Christoph’s staring at and examining Till’s back. He can watch all he wants now, Till can’t notice it. Christoph’s eyes land on scars that cover his skin, some bigger, some smaller, some older, some more recent judging by the colour. Christoph’s heart beats faster, now he can see that Till has also been through hard times. Just like Christoph. And just like Christoph he has scary reminders of the past, placed on his back. A quick thought about opening up more to Till runs through Christoph’s mind. He gets distracted as he notices even more signs of violence on the other man’s arms, yet these scars seem to be… self-inflicted. Christoph is astonished, he didn’t know that someone like Till could have problems like this, he seemed to be too harsh and strong to be doing such things. Apparently, Christoph must’ve been wrong. 

Oh, how much he’d like to ask about those scars, yet he’s aware that Till most likely wouldn’t answer him, it must be very personal and one doesn’t reveal the darkest parts of himself to random people. This is not an easy topic, it can take a lot of time to make Till talk about it if it is possible. Christoph also knows that his question might lead to the same one but directed towards himself. And he’s not ready to let some things out yet. 

Suddenly, Till turns around and catches Christoph red-handed staring at him. 

“Christoph, don’t, please,” Till says, there’s resignation in his voice.

Christoph doesn’t know whether the “don’t” refers to any questions yet to be asked or to his constant staring. It doesn’t really matter though, for he resigns both from unnecessary questioning and from keeping his eyes glued to Till. He immediately looks down and mumbles silent apologies, being embarrassed and confused at the same time. And extremely curious about the history of all those scars on the other man’s back and arms. 

“You want to know where I got all of them from, am I right?” Till asks as if he was reading Christoph’s mind; he’s standing in front of him, his arms folded. “I’ll tell you… someday. If you tell me more about you too,” a hint of playfulness audible in his voice. It makes Christoph look up at him but just when their eyes are on even level, Till passes him by, heading for his bedroom to find some clean clothes. Just before he’s out of Christoph’s reach, he grabs his arm, just as Till has done it before, making him stop and turn around with a questioning look on his face. 

“Thank you,” Christoph states timidly, his expression guilty and insecure. “You’ve saved me again. I-I don’t know what I’d do if it hadn’t been… for you,” his words quiet but full of trust and convenience. Yet, after that, a moment of awkward silence falls upon the two men and the situation is getting slightly clumsy. It’s all because Christoph needed that moment to make this hard but in the end very important move for him – in one second he ends up clinging onto Till, wrapping his arms around him, letting out a relieved sigh. The other man is surprised at first, but it doesn’t take him long to come back to earth and return the comforting embrace. Christoph doesn’t care that Till isn’t wearing any shirt or anything of this kind, he just takes in the warmth, both physical and emotional, that’s radiating from him. This is where he’s feeling safe and he’s found out about it for the third time now. All the nerves seem to be fading away while he’s in the other man’s arms. It’s weird to him, indeed, but the pleasant feelings are overshadowing this oddity, the behaviour that might not seem typical for men. 

Christoph finds it immensely strange and unfamiliar, but with every day it’s getting clearer and clearer that he has most likely found a safe anchor in this cruel world, in his miserable life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that you had to wait so long for this chapter, but school life can take a lot of time :/ Anyway, I'm happy that the new chapter is out and I hope you enjoyed it ^^


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic descriptions of child abuse.

Chapter X

It’s been a couple of days of peace between the two men. Christoph’s still been silent and withdrawn though, he’s been feeling guilty even though Till assured him there was no need to do so. Even though he’s got a safe place to stay and someone who is by his side, awful and cruel thoughts keep appearing in his mind. When it happens, he becomes even quieter or hides himself in the bedroom. He then sits or lies on the bed, staring at the walls and the ceiling, breathing, trying to calm down. Till wants to help him every time but to no use – Christoph says he doesn’t want any support but in the end the two men sit together in the bedroom, one of them on the floor, the other one on the bed. They don’t talk, they just exist next to each other. No words are needed then, the company itself is what is important, is what counts, what truly matters. This kind of care and empathy is what Christoph longs for, what his poor soul and broken heart need to maybe heal one day. Deep inside, he hopes that Till will be there all this time, will be there by his side while he’s recovering from all the horror that he’s been through. 

Christoph hasn’t shared anything too personal to Till yet. Apart from tiny hints, like mentions of how his father was brutal to him, but all he said was too general to draw any conclusions, to think of reasonable advice and comforting words. Till just listens to whatever he has to confess, and he knows that it’s enough for now. He doesn’t push Christoph, he’s aware that he needs time. It had taken a lot of time until Till recovered from his own traumas and problems, yet he sometimes has a feeling that he’ll never be free from his past, from what people had done to him. He wonders if Christoph can ever set free from his nightmares too, but he highly doubts it. He knows it himself that such things, such deep wounds and big scars stay with people for their whole lives. He isn’t even 30 yet but he has an old head on young shoulders, he is experienced, even if he doesn’t realise that. Who does so though, is Christoph. He secretly looks up to Till, he sees him as someone who is able to help him at least to a certain degree, he’s very aware of it. And this helps him in a way too, the fact that it’s certain that he can feel safe near Till. A weird feeling this is, almost unknown to Christoph. But very pleasant too. Yet, he’s getting used to it slowly, he still feels he needs to be careful, although he realises that it’s kind of stupid of him. 

  
Despite all this, another restless night is tormenting Christoph. He’s thrashing in his dream, his eyes tightly shut, teeth clenched, sweat all over his back. The nightmare has no mercy, it awakens his body, and even though he’s deep in his sleep, he’d love to wake up immediately. It doesn’t happen and he’s still there, among his fears and traumas, trying to set free from them but to no use. They’re holding him tightly in their claws, they don’t let go. Minutes are passing, and Christoph begins to moan and pant weakly in his slumber, his chest heaving quickly, his breathing shuddering. He kicks the sheets onto the floor, cold air embracing his wet body, making a strong shiver shake him whole. He coughs, letting out a miserable whine of pain, physical or mental, it’s impossible to tell. The last spasms attack him, and he’s torn from his nightmare into the reality with a dry yell leaving his poor throat. He’s breathing fast and nervously, looking around the room in a daze, then gets up from the bed rapidly, feeling as if his body was freezing, the mix of cold air and sweat isn’t anything pleasant. He rushes out of the bedroom in the middle of the night, not caring about Till sleeping on the couch. He isn’t thinking rationally, he just needs something to drink, to quench his thirst and soothe his sore throat, to calm down. 

Well, Till woke up when he heard the scream anyway. 

Till almost jumps off from the couch and follows Christoph’s figure immediately. He finds him in the kitchen, already taking big gulps of cold water from a glass. It’s understandable that he needs to go back to the reality after a terrifying dream, Till is more aware of it than Christoph may think. 

Christoph’s back is turned to Till, he doesn’t even dare to look back and show his horrified and distressed face to him, he can’t let himself show that much of his own vulnerability yet. He’s standing at the window, leaning his hands against the windowsill, but he’s not looking outside, the blinds are closed anyway. He’s just standing, contemplating, trying to compose himself but it’s not coming at all. He’s struggling, being afraid that he might lose his inner battle with his own self. He knows he just can’t show how weak he’s feeling now, yet, he doesn’t realise that it’s all too visible to miss it. 

“Christoph?” A low voice from behind him calls after a while; was it 5 minutes or 20? – Christoph doesn’t know and doesn’t care. He hasn’t even moved from his safe position.

“Please, Till. Don’t,” he mutters back, shyly, quietly, his voice shaky, which he finds annoying. 

The moments keep passing, the two men lose the track of time and aren’t aware of how long they have actually been in the kitchen, just standing there, Christoph at the window, Till at the entrance. Neither of them has said a single word, they’re unnecessary now. Christoph is grateful that Till hasn’t pressed him to talk, he has to calm down before he can reveal anything about what happened. He doesn’t even know now what he could start with. There are plenty of thoughts running through his mind, he has to put a lot of effort to sort them out and maybe make some reasonable sentences and explanations out of them. Oh, how much he hates such chaos in his head, how much it disturbs, how much noise it makes, how painful it can be. A constant yell that’s present inside for a couple of minutes after every too-stressful situation. It’s sometimes so nagging, that it becomes barely bearable and makes Christoph feel as if he was to go crazy in a second. 

The sound of a deep sigh being let out by Till pulls Christoph out of his train of thoughts. He peeks over his shoulder and sees that the other man decided to sit down on a chair, still waiting patiently for Christoph to say literally _anything_. The silence has been hanging above them for too long now, but Till knows that only Christoph can break it when he finally gathers his courage to do this. He can also sense that when the man does so, there will be more than just few words of a poor excuse. 

The moment has come. Christoph turns around to face Till, but his eyes are glued to the floor. This time he leans his lower back against the windowsill, and folds his arms, his jaw clutched tightly. He’s so painfully aware that it’s him who has to start the conversation and he thought he knew how he’d do it but now the whole plan seems to be long gone. Where is that hint of strength he wanted to show so badly? Where’s all the bravery that he seems to have collected from all the aspects of his being? Where’s the will that tells him to let it all out to Till? 

He can’t let these thoughts take over him, he needs to open up at last. 

“I… I need to tell you something,” Christoph starts hesitantly, breaking the heavy silence. 

“I am all ears,” Till encourages softly.

“It’s about the nightmare I just had, it… The things that happened there had already happened earlier. I dreamt about what I’d already been through, with every single detail and I…” he stops for a while to take a deep breath and then let the air out slowly. “And I need to… share it… with you. If you don’t mind, of course.” He raises his arms, burrowing his head between them. 

“I don’t. You don’t need to worry about that.”

Till sends Christoph a tiny reassuring smile and he somehow manages to return it. He then straightens up, exhales heavily again and starts his story.

“I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I was 10 years old, I came back home from school, my mum was beginning to prepare dinner for us and for my father. I went to my room to do my homework in the meantime, as I always did it. But then, having done almost all exercises, there was one that was very difficult and I just wasn’t able to solve it. Fucking maths. I tried but there was no way to do it, so I went to the kitchen and asked my mum for help. She was reluctant because she was busy with dinner, but she eventually agreed to help me. The problem consumed her and we were both having a quite good time, looking for any solution to that exercise. She finally came up with something and she was right, we were so happy. But it also took us some time, so she returned to making the meal in a big rush because my father was supposed to be home in a moment. I closed myself in my room and played with some toys, like a normal 10-year-old boy. Then I heard him walk into the house. I gulped but hoped that that day there wouldn’t be any argument. He left his outside clothes on the rack in the hall and then headed to the kitchen. He said, “Where’s my dinner?” “Not done yet,” my mum answered. “Not done? So what have you been up to, then?” My father asked fiercely. “I helped Christoph to do homework, he couldn’t do one task.” “He couldn’t? I was explaining him all kinds of such tasks for two hours yesterday and he still can’t solve them? Oh, I see I need to talk about it with him.” The tone of his voice didn’t foretell anything good. My mum asked him to leave me alone and just wait for dinner, it was one stupid exercise for fuck’s sake! But the only thing I heard after that was a smack. I knew he slapped her across her face, I was so used to that sound. Shivers travelled down my spine as I heard his footsteps closing in, but I pretended not to have noticed anything wrong. He stood there, at the door, in silence. I held my breath, waiting. Waiting for whatever would soon come to me.

“I’ve heard you couldn’t do your homework,” he announced, it wasn’t even a question. “It was just one exercise, dad,” I replied, not daring to look back. “One exercise? Tomorrow it’ll be two, then three and what? What for was I teaching you yesterday? Why did I waste my time? You don’t even remember it. It was so simple, how can you not remember it?” “We didn’t do such an exercise, dad,” I defended myself. “We did everything, but you were simply not listening to me!” He shouted and grabbed me by the arm, forcing me to stand up and turn around and face him. There was anger painted on his face and I knew it wouldn’t end well. “How many times do I need to repeat myself, so that you’ll finally listen to me?! Either you’re stupid or… I don’t even know! What a child are you? Such a disrespectful, sly brat! Why do I even spend my time on helping you with maths if you don’t want to learn anyway?!” I asked him to stop shouting at me, it was… painful. His words, they bit me and pierced right through me. I had tears forming in my eyes. He didn’t stop yelling, and this only made it worse, because I couldn’t stand it and started sobbing. He called me weak, it was his favourite description of me. He would tell it to me every day, making me feel worse and worse each time I heard it. Anyway… I called my mum, I wanted her to intervene but I knew she wouldn’t do it anyway. She was scared of my father, and so was I. I wanted to go, to run away, but he was still holding me, and when he’d had enough, he pushed me, so that I fell down on the floor. It hurt.”

Christoph pauses his story for a moment, he involuntarily clenches his jaw, because he knows that the most horrible part of his memory is coming, is going to be revealed and shown to Till. It is difficult for Christoph, he can’t hide it. He’s never confessed such things to anyone though, and he’s afraid. He’s afraid of Till’s reaction, of his own reaction, of what the other man will think of him after he tells him this part of his past. He’s ashamed of it, even though it wasn’t his fault at all. Yet, he doesn’t seem to understand it too well, even though he was a small child, a something in him believes that he deserved it, because he was “disrespectful and sly brat.”

Despite the fact that it hurts to think and talk about it, Christoph decides to continue, after a long exhale. 

“I wanted to get up and I did it but he grabbed me again and pushed me back down. Then, I froze. I heard him slide his belt out of the loops and saw him hold it firmly, ready to let out his anger. He then lifted his hand and hit me with it, it landed on my shoulder and it stung. I yelped. He didn’t stop, he only laughed wryly and hit me again, this time across my ribs. I didn’t even have the time to make a sound because his belt met my shoulder again, as I tried to defend myself. I heard his laughter, in which there was anger and disappointment, but also contentment because he could show that he was right. Again,” he stops for a while, letting out a weak and shaky sigh. His voice has grown audibly stumbling, his whole being seems to be smaller, ashamed, disenchanted. “He wouldn’t stop,” he continues, “so that I thought he’d do it until I died. My vision was blurry, I couldn’t see because of the tears in my eyes and that burning pain all over my back, hands, chest and stomach. I couldn’t discern one lash from another, the unbearable pain was constant and everywhere. I was coughing, choking on my breaths, on my tears, my lungs felt so tight that I couldn’t draw enough air. I was screaming so breathlessly, so awfully, I was sick of hearing it. I… I… Words can’t even describe how terrible it was, how terrible it is to remember it all. 

I was on the verge of passing out when he, all sweaty and tired, stopped. He was breathing heavily, while I was on the floor, weeping, crying my soul out, begging him to have some mercy. Because he would never listen to my pleas before. He just left me there with one word escaping his lips – weak. The most miserable sob came out from my aching chest as I was lying there, beaten up, hurt, humiliated, a 10-year-old boy who’d just been so cruelly treated by his own father. I couldn’t even move because the slightest and slowest moves hurt like hell. Abandoned, I finally felt something different from the overwhelming pain, namely, some wet liquid flowing down my side. It was blood dripping from a long wound caused by the whips,” he takes a break after these words and silence falls over the two men.

Neither of them says anything. Till is taking in all he’s just heard from Christoph, he’s thinking about it, staring at the table bluntly, tapping his fingers against the surface. And while he’s thinking about it, he remembers how his father would do the same thing to him when he was a small boy. He exactly knows how Christoph must’ve felt, how enormous his helplessness and fear must’ve been. How much he must’ve hated his father for that. How every part of his small and young body must’ve hurt, how scared he must’ve been, left alone on the cold floor of his room. 

In the meantime, Christoph’s thoughts are racing. Despite this, his head seems clearer and lighter, there’s a relief, as if some weight has just been lifted off his shoulders. He thinks he’s quite contented that he was brave enough to share this unpleasant memory with Till. Yet, he’s still standing at the window, it’s awkward now. He clenches his jaw, searching for something with his eyes. 

“I still have a scar after that,” Christoph mumbles suddenly, pulling Till out of his thoughts. He looks up at his confused and tensed face, he looks as if he wanted to ask something, but Christoph doesn’t even let him open his mouth, for he storms out of the room. Till’s slightly astonished, but he understands that it must be a difficult topic for Christoph. He knows what child abuse means too well himself. He wonders whether Christoph’s scar after that incident is his only one or he has more of them, just as Till does. He’s got plenty remainders of his past on his back and on his arms. And on his stomach. 

Till lets out a deep sigh as he stands up from the chair and heads to the living room. What else should he do? Christoph’s hidden in his room and Till knows that it’s not the time to go there and make him talk more or anything. He needs to rest after that. He can be already sleeping as well, such confession must’ve been exhausting for him. 

He flops down onto his couch and lies on his back. He keeps staring at the ceiling for some time, his thoughts still focused on Christoph’s every single word. The more he thinks about it, the more it breaks his heart. He believes that Christoph should pay his father back for what he’d done to him, for the pain, fear and shame he’d made him feel. He knows it’s not the solution for every problem of that kind, but… taking revenge on his own father helped him cope with his anger towards him.

Tired, he falls asleep after another couple of minutes. 

  
Since that violent wake-up at night, the two men haven’t talked about the tragic memory. They’ve been acting as if nothing happened, but Till has noticed that it isn’t Christoph’s day. He’s been gloomy since the very morning, and he hasn’t been saying much either. Just like usually. What is different though, is the fact that Till offered Christoph to join him at his work today for he doesn’t really have too much to do. He takes him to one lady’s house, whose dog he has to walk, because she’s busy today and will be home late in the evening. They both are peacefully strolling down the pavement, Till’s holding the female German Shepherd on a lead, enjoying quite pretty weather, while Christoph’s by his side, completely silent, watching the dog sniff at the grass and bushes. They arrive at a small meadow where Till unleashes the dog to let her run around freely. He’s not afraid that she’ll run away because he knows her well, so he can rest on the grass, lying down on it, with his hands under his head. Christoph sits down next to him and starts playing with a blade of grass impassively. His mind is a one big void now, he’s just existing, pondering about nothing. He’s staring emotionlessly at his fingers fiddling with the plant, glancing at the cheerful dog from time to time. 

“Don’t you ever think about… making your father pay for what he’d put you through?” Till’s sudden question interrupts the peace that’s been surrounding the two men.

“What do you mean by saying that?” Christoph asks flatly, after a moment of reflection.

“Don’t you want to make him feel all the pain that he once caused you?” 

“I… I don’t really know. Why are you asking?” He turns his head and looks at Till’s relaxed state.

“Because your father deserves a heavy beating, if not something more,” he announces mysteriously, gaining more of Christoph’s attention. He sits up and starts watching the dog sniff at some almost dead flower.

“What are you suggesting?” 

“You should do something when you meet him. Something more than just talking. It won’t lead you anywhere, your father is a fucker and words won’t help.”

“How can you know that?” 

“My father was abusive too,” he explains dryly. “And he paid for my ruined childhood.”

“What did you do to him?” Christoph asks carefully, not knowing what Till may have in mind. 

“Think, Christoph.”

And so he does. At first, he’s oblivious and can’t really think about doing anything to one’s father worse than just beating the shit out of him. Till almost can’t believe that it’s taking Christoph so long to understand. What is happening in his head if he hasn’t got it yet? Also, some hesitation hits Till after he’s told it to Christoph, in fact, they haven’t known each other for too long but… it somehow seems long enough for revealing such dark things. Till doesn’t really mind because he’s sure that Christoph won’t do anything about it anyway. He won’t tell anybody (because he doesn’t know too many people), but if he does, then who will believe him? There are no proofs, no witnesses. Nothing. And that’s what’s keeping Till still. 

Then, the realisation hits Christoph.

“You… You…” He looks at Till, utterly astonished, feeling as if his soul left his body. His mouth has gone dry, his eyes glued to Till’s ones, his fingers tearing the grass. 

“You’ve finally figured it out, huh?” Till asks, a chuckle leaves his lungs. He turns his gaze to the dog that has just come and sat down in front of them, he’s completely unimpressed.

“Like… H-How… How did you do it? No one noticed?”

“No one. I left no traces. It was as if my father just vanished. No one ever found the murderer. And no one will find him,” he informs, the slightest warning present in his voice. “I’ll tell you what exactly happened some other day. In a different place,” his tone gets softer again, as if he was dreaming about something. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Christoph replies, his mind full of thoughts but also empty at the same time.

“Then don’t say anything. There’s not much to consider. I just eradicated the problem. That’s all.”

Christoph can’t believe that Till is talking about a murder with so much lightness, as if nothing serious had happened. 

“Are you a psychopath?” He asks quickly.

“No! No need to worry,” Till answers, a wide smile on his face.

“Why are you laughing then? Are you crazy? You killed your father!” he whispers the last sentence.

“I just had to delete the cause of my problems, the monster that ruined my life, ruined me,” he pauses for a moment and then continues. “You probably want to run away from me now.”

“No,” Christoph answers without really thinking and he’s quite surprised because of it. 

A spark of hope glitters in Till’s eyes, there’s nice warmth spreading all over his heart. He smiles warmly to Christoph, and he returns it with a very slight, but genuine curve of his lips. No further questions need to be asked. Christoph doesn’t really want to know more about the murder now, Till has said it himself that it’s not the best place and time for it now. Christoph just lets that fact be and decides not to consider it too much, at least today. Since the very night, it’s all been very intense for the two men, and they both don’t feel any particular need to go deeper into the difficult topics at the moment.

They both stop caring about it completely, when the dog lies her head on Christoph’s legs, silently asking him to pet her. And he doesn’t hesitate and begins to rub the shiny, long and fluffy fur, what causes a wider smile to paint on his face. He seems happier now, when he scratches her behind her ear and begins to play with her and pat her all over her massive shepherd body. Till is simply watching the scene, feeling contented that he can see Christoph joyful for at least a while, and he comes to the conclusion that he’ll need to get Christoph his own pet in the future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter and I'm sorry for a late update again but well, school and studying consumes time. Anyway, let's enjoy the newest chapter and... THANK YOU FOR 600 HITS <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic smut.

Chapter XI

  
Richard is getting ready for another meeting with Till. He still hates himself for doing this, especially with another man, but he can’t do anything about it yet. He’s still broke and needs money and can’t really earn it in other way. The fact that his boss takes the majority of his income doesn’t help at all. Yet, the cash he got from Till was useful, and that’s what he’s grateful for. Moreover, his boss hasn’t had any problem with Richard for a couple of days now, he hasn’t stolen anything, so there’s no reason for any fuss. Richard is relieved, one aspect of his life seems to be calmer for a while. But his mind is still at war with itself, the fact that he now has to have sex with men is something he can’t get over with. It’s still disgusting in a way, it’s still so unnatural to him, but maybe he can get used to that some day? At least, the only man he has to fuck now is Till, and that’s the advantage. The last time they met, he was understanding and was quite gentle, if that’s a good word. He didn’t make it unpleasant to Richard. And this confuses Richard the most. On one hand, he dislikes being such a sex toy, especially when it comes to doing it with men. Yet, this wasn’t as bad as he had imagined. It could’ve been much worse – the client could’ve been a greasy, old and creepy man. He shudders as a very vivid picture of such a person appears in his head, so he stops considering it all immediately. He just takes a deep breath and tries to empty his mind, so that he can meet Till with a peace of mind, maybe with less stress and fear this time. He’s almost forcing himself to believe that he can trust Till in what he does to him, in his control over him. All he has to do is just give in and just let it pass by. A standard working day.

Just when he’s about to leave, he hears a nervous knocking on the front door. He sighs, annoyed, wanting to go out already, but decides to open the door and face the unannounced guest. As soon as he opens it though, the guest is already inside, he’s very energized, urgency radiating from him. Rolling his eyes, Richard closes the door behind him and with folded arms turns around to the other man and sends him an irritated and questioning look.

“What do you want? I have to go to work,” he announces, still bothered by the whole situation.

“Listen, you have to lend me some money…” the man says quickly.

“I don’t have money,” Richard replies emotionlessly, shrugging. 

“You do, I know that! Please, Richard, don’t be a dick. You told me your last client had given you a kind of a tip, so you must have at least a few marks left,” he complains, his expression saddening. 

“Let’s suppose that I have something left. If I give you my money, I won’t have any for myself.”

“Come on, you’ll have another client soon. Today? Tomorrow?…”

“Today, actually.”

“See? You’ll make it and I won’t if you don’t lend me cash.”

“Why? What’s the reason? You’re asking me to give you money again.”

“Man, I have to survive too! I know I sell drugs but my boss takes the majority of money and I have to eat, pay bills and buy clothes!”

“You don’t say, I need to do that too and I can manage that myself.”

“Because you earn more! My clients don’t give me tips…” he stops for a while, biting his lip. Then he continues, his face brightening up strangely. “I know! Ask your client to give you extra money again!”

“What?” Richard asks, astonished. “I won’t beg him for money, I haven’t reached the complete bottom yet.”

“We both have, you can’t deny it. I sell drugs, you go to bed with hundreds of strangers. We’re the same scum, we have to stick together. We have to help each other. Come on, Richard. I know you won’t leave me like that.”

The man sends him a tiny smile, his eyes sparkling with kindness and the most polite plea. Richard rolls his eyes again, a deep exhale leaves his lungs, and then he looks away. He’s thinking if he should help his friend again, but he knows that he has no other option. He doesn’t want to lose him, in fact, he’s his closest friend. The only one in this stinking city too. He can rely on him and he doesn’t want to lose his trust either. This makes him go to his bedroom and hand his friend the remaining money. The man becomes the most cheerful man alive and wildly thanks Richard for his help, claiming that he’s just saved his life. Richard only sniggers, but is contented to see him so happy. 

“Okay, Paul, you got what you wanted, now get out, because I have to go,” Richard announces searching for keys in his pocket.

“Sure, sure! Thank you again, I promise I’ll return everything!” 

  
As previously, Richard drinks a glass of wine before the meeting to relax. At least now he knows what it all looks like and he knows that this certain client doesn’t want to just use him only for his own pleasure, because that’s what Richard was afraid of the most. Yet, he can’t be sure what he’ll want to do this time and when this thought crosses his mind – he gets tensed and his chest becomes tight. He hopes that Till will take his comfort into consideration again and won’t force him into something he’d never do. Richard tries to hold on to that vision in order to stay (more or less) calm and not show his fear and tension too much. He knows it’s very unprofessional unless the client wants it from him. 

Here he is. The same bedroom as last time, he’s sitting on the same spot on the bed, waiting for his client. He hears the noises outside the door just like then, the same laughs, the same voice of his awful boss. He’s almost equally nervous, his fists clenched tight, resting on his knees. His whole body is tensed, million visions running through his mind now, only to be stopped by the sound of the opening door. Richard swallows as the footsteps ring in the room, followed by the door being closed. Silence. 

“The rules are the same,” a voice from behind calls suddenly. “Do you remember them?”

“I do… sir,” Richard answers hesitantly.

“Good. Now, strip down, then down on your knees and come to me like a good boy.”

Richard’s sight gets blurry as he hears the fierce command. He shakes the dizziness off though, he can’t get lost in his own head now, he has to serve his client well. He has to do his best, maybe he’ll get a tip again? But judging by the tone of Till’s words, he can’t really count on extra money today, for the man seems to be in quite a bad mood. This sends a shiver of dread down his spine, but he manages to compose himself and get undressed quickly. He then kneels down and puts his hands on the floor, and begins to crawl straight to his master, his head hung down, eyes glued to the floor. All naked, he’s at Till’s feet, waiting for his further orders, for whatever that’s still in store for him. 

Till squats in front of him and without saying a word, gazes at him for a while. Then, he lifts his huge hand and ruffles Richard’s hair, and after that cups his jaw firmly, making him look straight into his eyes. He rubs his soft cheek with his thumb, sighing heavily out of pure awe. 

“You’re such a pretty boy…” Till purrs, studying the other man’s prefect features. Richard only blushes slightly in response. “Tell me, are you scared now?”

“Not as much as before,” Richard whispers truthfully. 

“Do you trust me?”

Richard nods quite eagerly and watches closely as the other man stands up and his hand leaves his flushed skin. He’s ordered to get on the bed and lie down on his back and he obeys Till’s words immediately, without hesitation. He stopped thinking about it, he just does what he has to and what reason tells him to. He doesn’t want to admit it to himself, but it is arousing to him, the other man bossing him about excites him and his every action turns him on. Deep inside he’s enjoying it and doesn’t want it to stop. 

He’s there, on the demanded spot, lying peacefully on the soft sheets, staring at the ceiling. Yet, with the corner of his eye he can see Till take off his shirt, exposing his strong and hairy body. The sight makes Richard bite his lip but he doesn’t dare to turn his head and look at the other man directly. He still tries to think that he doesn’t like it but he’s gradually losing this battle with his own self. He comes back to earth when he hears Till crack his back and approach the bed and then climb onto it to hover above Richard. He sends him the smallest smile before he leans down to plant a hot kiss on Richard’s lips, making him inhale sharply and grab the sides of the other man’s neck. He doesn’t like it though, and forcefully takes those greedy hands away and pins them down to the mattress. Richard’s heart skips a beat and he swallows hard as Till’s still devouring his soft and warm lips. The man underneath him releases a weak whine, purely to the client’s delight and excitement. This boy is fucking perfect, he thinks. His own mouth starts travelling down Richard’s jaw, slightly brushing against it until his lips meet his earlobe. He doesn’t hesitate and nibbles on it, what tears a soft moan from Richard’s lungs and sends heat down to his lower stomach. His breath shudders as the man repeats the action one more time but then he lowers himself, so that he can lick his way down Richard’s neck. Endless shivers run through his body, so that Till is more and more contented and turned on. Oh how he’d love to just fuck him right now, yet he knows that if he wants to enjoy it, he has to make Richard feel good too.

The atmosphere is getting hotter in the room, as Till reaches Richard’s gorgeous chest, while they’re both looking into each other’s eyes. There’s fire and lust in both pairs, but also a hint of uncertainty and shame in Richard’s ones. Yet, they’re both gone as a very filthy moan escapes his lungs and he throws his head back when Till starts playing with the other man’s nipple. His tongue around it drives Richard crazy, his wet and hot mouth only add to this dizzying feeling. Big and rough fingers circling around the other nub and pinching it make Richard bite his lip painfully. A shuddering breath leaves his mouth, the pleasure is getting stronger and stronger, the warmth in his lower stomach hotter and hotter. He squirms and shudders as Till repeats his arousing actions on the other side of Richard’s chest, he can’t control another vulgar and throaty groan. Oh, how pleased Till is when he hears it, how much it turns him on too, how much he adores this pretty boy underneath him, how much he makes him forget about his every concern… 

But Till doesn’t stop his journey south on Richard’s chest, he travels lower and lower, meanwhile grazing his soft skin on his sides with his fingers. The flesh is so young, soft and smooth that one could just drown in it. Till still can’t believe how a man can be so flawless. He finally reaches his lower stomach, though, the place for which he’s yearning now. The boy is fucking perfect even there. Planting a tiny kiss on Richard’s skin, he casts him one last lustful glimpse, and then, without any warning, licks his dick from bottom to the top. A wild shiver shakes Richard’s body, and he tries to close his spread legs, but to no use, there is a pair of wide shoulders in the way. Another wet stroke sends another wave of heat and chills through the other man. He whines weakly, closing his eyes. Till takes his time and watches how Richard reacts, meanwhile wetting his two fingers with his saliva. He knows what he wants and he’ll get it. He lowers his head once more, so that he can take Richard into his mouth and at the same time he slides his thick fingers into Richard’s ass. The man can’t cope with the double sensation, so a confused and broken moan escapes his dry throat as he archs his back in surprise and pleasure. There is still that hint of discomfort but it’s different. It excites him. And he knows it’ll fade away eventually. 

It only gets better as the combination of feeling full and being sucked off turns out to be heavenly blissful. Richard’s eyes are closed shut for he’s just enjoying the sensations that begin to be overwhelming. The warmth in his lower stomach, the clenching in his muscles, the short and shallow breaths say it all. Till is only encouraged by the sight, so he keeps going, pushing further into the other man, adding the third finger, he doesn’t care that there’s almost no moisture left. Richard doesn’t care either, the wetness and heat and pressure surrounding his dick are almost crushing. He can’t stop himself from whining and biting his lip, he grabs the sheets tightly, nearly tearing them apart. His head is buried in the pillow, his back curved. Till glimpses at him and he knows that he’s getting closer and closer to the finish but it’s not time for it now. The man himself needs to fulfil his desire, even though the vision of Richard cumming into his mouth is extremely tempting. Yet, he has to get himself off too, and he’s going to do that inside the man underneath him. 

Without any warning, he takes his fingers out of Richard’s ass, and lets his shaft escape his lips in a very obscene way, leaving a string of spit and pre-cum behind. Richard can only moan weakly and look at him with tired and disappointed eyes, pure need glowing in his iris. 

“Please, don’t leave me like that…” he mutters hoarsely, light-headedly.

“I won’t do that to you, my pretty boy,” Till replies, swiping the mixture of fluids off his chin. “I’ll fuck your tight ass again. Does that sound good?” He growls and grabs the bottle of lube in one move. He gets a quick nod from Richard, and a teasing smile appears on his face as he spreads the liquid between the man’s buttocks, drawing a shaky exhale from him, and then he applies it on his erect member. That’s also when Richard notices that Till has been naked all this time. He lets this thought go as soon as Till leans over him, and makes him spread his legs even further, so that he can feel the other man’s hard length on his butthole. Till can’t wait any longer, so he enters him with a firm thrust, which causes him to let out a deep moan of relief, the waiting was worth it after all, the feeling is amazing. He then draws back, and goes back inside, as forcefully as before, making Richard flex his abs, and throw his head back again. Not losing his quite slow, but powerful pace, Till begins to plant hot kisses and occasional nibbles on the other man’s neck, leaving few love bites, as if he was marking his territory. Richard’s neck is perfect too, and what’s more, it’s so exposed that it’d be a shame if Till didn’t take advantage of that. As he’s still pounding into Richard, this time faster than before, he decides to wrap his hand around Richard’s throat gently, not to scare him. He’s waiting for his reaction and the only one he gets are the smaller man’s glistening, slightly worried but also trustful eyes. He’s just given in to his client, and neither of them has a reason to complain. Richard has completely let it go, he doesn’t care about anything but this enormous pleasure right now, the feeling of being controlled in this way only makes it better for him.

It’s not a gentle and peaceful tempo anymore, Till keeps rocking his hips fast, his thrusts now more shallow, his breath unsteady, drops of sweat on his back, chest and forehead, rolling down on his hot body. He’s still gazing at Richard, catching a glimpse of his sparkling eyes from time to time. He knows this isn’t going to last long now, they’re both on the very edges. A deep rumble rises from Till’s chest and he tightens his grip around Richard’s neck, making him open his slightly terrified eyes instantly. The man grabs his strong forearm with his hands, whining, being unable to form a sentence, because of the overflowing bliss. 

“I will not hurt you, Zven,” Till announces between his own breaths in a cooing voice, as if he was reading the other man’s mind.   
Richard keeps looking at him, his eyes now teary, he doesn’t know if it’s from fear or from all of these crushing sensations, thousands of shivers shaking his body, the overwhelming feeling of being almost satisfied. He’s aware that Till is just teasing him now, but he allows him because there’ll be a huge reward after that. He also begins to feel the dizziness in his head, the effect of lower blood circulation finally hitting in, but it’s not enough to make him faint. Till doesn’t want him to pass out, he wants him to be torn into hundreds of pieces as he reaches his orgasm. 

And he gives him what they both need so badly. He lets Richard come first, just to have a clear view of his eyes rolling back, his back being arched, his legs clenching around him, pushing him even deeper. He cries out his name in pure rapture, elation, as countless spasms of pleasure run through his body along with the heat, ripping him from the inside, and then pulling him back together. Tears flow out of his eyes, as Till’s hand is still tightly wrapped around his throat and Richard’s fingers are buried in the other man’s forearm, so deep that they leave immediate bruises. Richard cums on his own belly, the liquid also staining Till’s stomach, but he loves this feeling, and it all makes him cross the edge too. He finishes with a deep and long grunt, his mouth open, wheezes and heavy breaths escaping his lungs, sweat almost dripping from his forehead, his dick blissfully throbbing between Richard’s tight walls. He fills him up with his seed, making Richard moan one more time, so miserably, that it’s barely audible. Till lets go of Richard’s neck, and he can see a huge purple spot forming on it, he’s proud of himself. He hardly manages to keep himself up on his hands, not to fall down on Richard. He leaves his body after a few minutes, letting his cum flow out of Richard’s ass, and flops just beside him, all worn out, wet and extremely pleased. He glances at Richard, whose eyes are closed, his cheeks red and wet from tears and sweat, his chest still heaving, but not as fast as before. This was what they both needed. Oh how they both enjoyed it… 

  
“Here, have this. You deserved it,” Till says as he gives Richard more money than he should again. “But remember not to tell your boss about it.”

“Yes, sure, thank you,” Richard says, delighted, but his voice is very tired. He watches Till turn around and just when he’s about to grab the door knob, he decides to stop him. “Hey, wait a while.”

“What is it?” Till asks, looking at him with weary eyes. 

“Will we… meet again?” Richard questions carefully, not knowing how to say the things he wants to say. 

“I can see you like it when I fuck you. You used to be so sceptical about this.”

“Yes, but… I’d like to meet you to talk to you,” he mumbles it very quickly, regretting his words instantly. 

“What for?” Till continues, suspicious.

“I know you’ve given me extra money twice, but there’s something that… uh, never mind. Forget. Forget it. Make another appointment. We’ll meet and fuck. That’s all. Just go already.”

“Zven, what is…?” 

“Just leave me alone. Go. Go. I’ll see you soon, I guess. Go now. Just go.”

Till shrugs and leaves the room, leaves Richard alone. Indeed, Richard wants to ask Till for something, but he can’t put it into words. Maybe he needs time and he’ll be brave enough to finally say it out loud to Till when they meet again. Yes, that’s the plan. The talk he had had with his friend earlier had made him think about something, but he’s very unsure about it yet. That’s why he wanted Till to go away. The right time to tell certain things will come. Richard is sure about it. He’ll gather the courage until Till’s next visit.

When he’s already composed and ready to leave too, his boss appears in the room. He’s horrified because he doesn’t know any possible reason for him to be here. He sits back down on the bed, silent.

“So, Zven, how’s your ass, huh? Hurts?” The boss chuckles and Richard rolls his eyes. “Okay, don’t tell, I’m not into these things! You’ve been doing really good job with that client, so I think you can start working with other men too!”

“What?!” Richard rises back onto his feet, completely astonished, and disappointed to the very core.

“You earn more, I earn more, profits only! I’ll make that offer to our male clients, I’m sure that at least half of them will be delighted.”

“I don’t want that! I’m not a hustler!”

“Oh, you are! What have you been doing with the client from tonight? Playing chess? I don’t think so.”

“But you can’t just sell me, sell my…”

“Of course, I can! The debt is still not paid, don’t you remember? And you have no other choice than to work for me, you loser. So get your shit together, ‘cause there might be another male guest for you tomorrow. Take care of your ass, it’s gonna be used a lot since now.”

With these brutal words, the boss goes out. Richard is feeling useless, empty, worthless. He’s just a product again. He wants to cry but he can’t. He wants to shout but he can’t. He can’t do anything. He’s only a toy for other people’s pleasure. His thoughts and feelings are meaningless. Richard is not angry anymore, he’s shocked, he’s disenchanted, he’s feeling vacant. The emotional void is with him until he arrives at his home. He breaks then. He falls down onto the floor, curls up into a ball and starts crying. He could get used to being fucked by one man, but not by a bunch of other guys, who won’t be so… normal. He’s sure they’ll be fat, greasy, disgusting, creepy, disrespectful, cruel and he just can’t stand it. He coughs, he can’t catch a breath, his eyes are red and they hurt, he’s feeling the dirt all over him again. He rips his clothes off of him and begins to scratch the skin on his arms and forearms and shoulders. He doesn’t stop when it burns from pain, he keeps ruining it, so that it begins to bleed quite quickly and then, breathing heavily, with his eyes still watery, he’s clean, but just for a while. Until some man will make him feel filthy again. 

  
Till is walking to his house, from time to time his mind gets occupied by what Richard was trying to tell him. He doesn’t know but he’ll surely ask him about this the next time they meet. There was a certain feeling about it, but Till couldn’t really recognise it. 

These thoughts leave his head when he suddenly feels that something is wrong. Another sensation he can’t really decipher. How he hates it. He shakes his head and starts pacing faster, for the worry is creeping into his mind. He can’t tell why this is happening but he wants to be home to know that everything is fine, to get rid of these nagging thoughts making him afraid, making him concerned about something. Or about someone. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence, self-harm, homophobia and the usage of the words "ponce" and "faggot." Just to warn you.

Chapter XII

  
Till left the house in the morning, and Christoph woke up just as early. He knew he’d be alone all day, he didn’t mind. He also knew that Till would go and hook up the upcoming evening, but he didn’t want to join him. He still doesn’t feel as if it was a good time for him to do it. He’s still… recovering. He’s not in the mood for fucking at the moment, he can do other things now. Actually, he decides he’ll go for a walk and visit his mother’s grave. He needs this in a way, and to him, his mother also deserves it. After all she’d been through. He’s sure no one ever goes to that grave, no one cares but him. He feels the need to pay her back for the fact that he left her to die. There’s still guilt, the thought that he let his father practically kill her is still haunting him, between the moments of self-hatred. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever set free from any of this, from the pain and sorrow from which he’s been trying to escape all this time. Will there ever be a remedy for it all? 

He’s ready to go, it’s a cloudy day, but not too cold and most likely it won’t rain. With his jacket on and still bandaged hands hidden in the pockets, he leaves and peacefully strolls down the street. His cold eyes down, his face emotionless, pale even from constant stress and tiring nights. Every time he thinks he’s finally getting better, it all suddenly crumbles and he has to start over. Exhausting. Boring. Grey. Again. People pass him by but he doesn’t even glance at them, he’s deep in the world of his mind, yet desperately attempting not to think about anything. He’s focusing on the slight wind, the tiny stings of cold meeting the exposed skin on his face, on the weak light that wants to break through the clouds but isn’t strong enough to do so, on the fact that on this day his jaw doesn’t hurt because he’s managed not to clench it yet.

He can finally see the old and rusty fence surrounding the cemetery and he’s closing in to the big gate, through which he can enter the area. Before he does so, he stops and buys a small grave candle from the seller at the entrance. The old lady looks at him with pity. Even though he wants to hide all the aching feelings, he sometimes forgets to do this properly, so that one can see what’s hidden behind those cold blue eyes. The moment has just happened and Christoph is ashamed of it, he doesn’t need anyone else to sympathise him, he wants to deal with it all on his own. Or maybe with little help from a certain man. 

That’s another thing that’s been on his mind lately. He still can’t comprehend what a helpful and selfless person Till is. The amount of good that Till’s giving him is almost overwhelming. He’s never met such a humble man before, he has never been treated with so much respect and care. He doesn’t believe in God, but this situation seems like a miracle to him. The fact that they were on the same bridge at the same time is a miracle itself. A guardian angel, one would think. If only such creatures existed… 

Walking past a lot of other people’s graves, Christoph finally reaches the one he decided to visit today. He stops and lets out a long and shaky exhale. He looks down at the wet, cold, grey stone, he reads the dark yellow letters on it in his mind. He squeezes the candle in his hand but not strongly enough to break it. He takes out a lighter from one of his pockets and lights the wick up, the flame fresh and warm. He stares at it for a second, admiring the tiny heat and the way it dances in the air. He places it peacefully on the grave and then stands up, staying at his spot. He clenches his jaw once before he lets out another deep breath and falls into all the thoughts running around in his head now. 

_“I… I came to say sorry. I’m so sorry that I left you there, in that god-forsaken house with that monster who didn’t give a flying fuck about you and your well-being in those hard times. I’m a terrible son, I know. You never were perfect either, but you were there, in times when I needed you. I know that father didn’t let us… live normally. Like a normal family. I know things he did to you, even though you tried to hide them from me. I know you were often too afraid to defend me, we both knew his rage. We were both afraid of him. I still am. Such a shame. I should’ve been the one who defended you from him but I wasn’t there. I ran away, like a coward whom I am anyway. No one can tell me otherwise… I even wanted to… end it. I wanted to jump off the bridge. Such a shame. Again. I’m terrible. I’m sorry. I can’t even kill myself, so that I could be with you. A man saved me, you know? Funny coincidence. I wanted to die but he would never let me. Can you imagine that such people still exist? He’s been so good to me, he’s given me new home, food, money, so much kindness… If only you could meet him. You’d like him, I think. He cares. I do too, I think. I came here, I care. It’s too late, I know, but I want to fix it. I’ll never fix it, though, it’s impossible. I failed. I lost you. I knew it’d happen, but I had left then anyway. I’m so sorry, again. I shouldn’t have let that happen, but I had no other choice. If he’d woken up, he would’ve killed me. I didn’t want to experience his anger on me again… Oh, the bandages? I did something, my hands bled. Didn’t want to stain anything. Again, it was my new friend who cared and dressed my wounds. And he reminds me not to clench my jaw. It hurts if I do it. I’m fucked up, I know. The whole world is fucked up, but he’s like the light at the end of the tunnel. So kind, so humble, so good… what would I do without him now? I’d die under another abandoned, cold and ruined bridge. I’d be alone. Now I’m not feeling so lonely and I’m not alone, thanks to him. He even gives me his money, who would think… But I can’t buy booze for it, you know? Funny. He once found me drunk and forbid me to do this. That was funny. Cute too. He took me with him when he had to walk a dog too. He was at work then. He also told me something dark, but it’s only between me and him. I’ll have to look for a job soon, I don’t want him to be paying for me all the time. I don’t want to be a burden again. He doesn’t seem to mind me not working, but I’m feeling weird with it. I can’t do anything though, so I don’t know what I’ll do. He’ll surely try to help me. And I’ll be thankful again. He deserves it. He’s so good. I like him a lot. Like a close friend I never had. I think he is my close friend. That’s how it feels. Finally someone who understands me, that’s what he says. I don’t think I have a reason not to believe him now. If only you two could meet… You’d see what a good company I have, such a good man he is. Or maybe you know already. I hope so. I hope you’re safe and sound wherever you are now. I love you. I truly do. I’ll visit you again some day. Your grave won’t be lonely. It wasn’t your fault after all, nothing of this was your fault. It was father’s fault. And I think mine too…”_

Christoph stays there, contemplating all of this and nothing at the same time. He’s buried too deep in his own mind to care about the world around him now. But he’s feeling lighter in a way now, while he’s at his mother’s grave, saying all of these things aloud in his head, hoping that his mother knows his thoughts. He’s so focused on it, that he doesn’t even hear any steps that are getting closer and closer to him. He’s only pulled out of his thoughts suddenly when someone pushes him forward, so he has to keep his balance not to fall down. He turns around in anger but his throat tightens just when he can see who’s standing in front of him. His mind goes silent in that moment, there’s only one voice whispering “run” left there, but Christoph doesn’t listen to it anyhow. He can’t do this, but he doesn’t know whether it’s because he’s too terrified or too bold to do this. He’s just standing there, glaring at his father, waiting.

“What are you doing here, little shit? What are you looking for?” The man hisses straight into Christoph’s face.

“Taking care of my mother’s grave, who’s dead because of you!” Christoph barks in response, he’s shaking inside but he doesn’t show it.

His father bursts out laughing in a wry manner, making his son bewildered.

“Stop laughing! Look at what you did! Why didn’t you care for her, she needed help to stay alive and you couldn’t do even that! You’re a piece of shit!” Christoph shouts, fury growing in his dry voice.

“Who’s a piece of shit here, huh? It’s you who left like a loser, like a coward. You didn’t even have the guts to kill me and you ran away because you knew I wouldn’t have mercy. Like a horrified, little brat. Who brought you up for fuck’s sake! Your mother must’ve been spoiling you all the time!”

“Bullshit! Leave her the fuck alone, you old fucker!”

“You’re so brave now that you call your own father names? Where did you learn that, huh? Did your boyfriend teach you all of this? Surprised? My brother told me everything. You’re a fucking faggot and that’s why you ran away.”

“I’m not a…” 

“At least you made one good decision. Who would’ve thought that you’d be a goddamn ponce? I’m glad you aren’t living under my roof anymore. Prick,” he spits with all the venom that’s dripping from him and his words. “You’re disgusting. You should’ve killed yourself, how can you ever bear being a fucking faggot? You’re such a shame to me! Such a burden, someone should get rid of you.”

“Fuck off!” Christoph yells but his voice breaks uncontrollably, he’s slowly losing it. 

“What? You’re not so tough when your boyfriend’s not by your side? Where’s he now? Maybe he’s fucking another boy? You should go and check it! Or maybe go and join him and stop showing up here! No one needs you, no one needs people like you, so useless and weak. I’m sure you’ve no job, living for your boyfriend’s money. A sponge you’ve always been.”

“Stop that! You’re not better than me, you fucking monster! You killed your own wife, you would beat her senseless, you would beat me until I passed out! You would leave countless bruises on your 10-year-old son, what a father are you?! You’re a psycho, a monster! _Monster!_ I hate you, I wish I had killed you that day, I hate you, I hate you! Don’t ever show up here again, don’t even talk to me and stop telling me I’m weak! I am fucking not, you fucking monster, you old fucker!” Christoph keeps screaming with desperation, with madness and rage, the amount of hate towards his father is beaming from his words and from himself. He can’t control his inner shaking, his heart beating so fast that it almost jumps out from his chest, the beads of cold sweat forming on his back. He’s hating it as much as he hates his father but he can’t lose his stance, even though he knows it’s on the verge of breaking down. That enormous fear is still there.

“Oh, so this is what you think of me!” His father announces angrily, stepping closer to his son, who doesn’t move an inch. “You’re so fucking smart now, huh? What will you say about this?”

Christoph doesn’t even have a chance to react when his father punches him in the stomach forcefully, making him let out a sharp cry and bend in half. He’s sucking in shallow breaths but before he can do anything, a powerful kick meets his abdomen, causing it to hurt even more. He can’t stand it, he coughs and squats, leaning against his right hand that’s placed on the ground. He doesn’t glance up, he’s concentrated on catching a breath and on the pain which each move of the muscles makes. He’s astonished, he would never expect this, he’s at the fucking cemetery after all! His father has no dignity if he beats his own son in such a place, where it should be quiet and peaceful all the time. 

There’s no way for Christoph to get up because his father doesn’t waste any time and sends a rain of kicks onto his son’s arms, chest and back, and although he’s defending himself as well as he can, he’s not able to stop all those hits. He’s feeling so helpless and weak now, he’d love to punch his father back, but the fear is too strong, that’s why he can do almost nothing about this. He could end the older man with ease but there is that unbreakable barrier that’s only in his mind, the life-long dread. 

So he’s still there, on the ground, curled up to avoid the heavy and painful kicks. He’s silent though, he doesn’t want to give his father that sick satisfaction. He only coughs occasionally, muting all the other sounds in his throat, so that tears start welling up in his eyes. He just wants this to stop, he wants it to be over, he wants his father to leave him alone at last, to go away. He’s also hoping that no one’s seeing this, that no one will notice what is happening at his mother’s grave. He couldn’t bear the shame, the distaste, the feeling of being completely fragile. He just needs to be left alone when it’s done, he doesn’t need anyone’s help, he’s feeling like trash now, like a useless baggage, like a piece of shit. Who would need such a loser? 

The man has finally stopped hurting his own son, who’s sniffling silently, lying on the moist ground, trembling from pain and cold, sniffling as silently as he can. His father is glaring at him, a grimace of disgust and utter disappointment plastered on his face. Contempt is radiating from him as the last vicious words leave his mouth. 

“I couldn’t stand looking at you anymore if you were still living in my house. Stay away from me, you little shit. You weak and useless loser. A disgrace to my family. A shame and disgust for me. Go back to your boyfriend if you don’t die before you manage to get up. Prick.”

Just when he’s about to walk away, he spits down on the ground, right beside Christoph’s face. After that he leaves and tranquillity falls upon the place again. Christoph’s body is shivering, he’s shocked and disoriented, he’s feeling as if he was a little and helpless boy again. His father has treated him like a dog again. Like a worthless object. Can a man be treated worse and more cruelly? Can a man survive such a humiliation so many times? Can a man take it all as if nothing happened? Has a man finally got his limits? Can it ever be too much for a man to stand? 

This is not a moment for seeking answers to these questions. Christoph’s trying to compose himself so badly but it’s no use. His body’s aching, his head dizzy, his lungs find it hard to draw another breath, his mind full of running thoughts, scenarios and reasons. The sense of being meaningless reached its peak long ago, it’s far beyond its safe level. This _is_ simply too much now, he’s had enough of it all, of his life, of his father, of himself… He’d finish his misery if only he didn’t pass out from this complete pain and both physical and mental exhaustion.

  
An hour has passed. Christoph is shaking his daze off slowly, vacantly looking around to get to know his surroundings. He can remember that he’s been at the cemetery all this time. And he remembers that he’s got enough of this misery called life, and now his aim is to get home. He moves his stiff and painful hands and legs, his limbs shaking from the soreness and exposure to chilly air. Tears have dried, but the ache has remained. And the need to end it too. It makes him get up onto his feet, he can barely keep the balance at first. His vision isn’t fully steady yet but he can walk. He’s taking small steps, he doesn’t want to trip over and cause more bruises on his tortured body. He immediately hates himself for that, for having let his father do this to him, for having been too weak to save his own honour. A loud scream of hatred crosses his mind and he wishes he could get rid of it, the chaos in his head is growing. His insides are screaming loudly too, the dull but very annoying and unpleasant pain arises in his chest and in his back. He can’t resign from going back now, he needs to get home to finally make it all stop. 

He doesn’t care if people stare at him, he just keeps going, he’s focused on getting home as soon as possible. Then, he’ll be able to do what he wants to do. He knows Till won’t have been back by the time he arrives, so there’s no worry he’ll catch him red-handed. He’ll have time. He won’t need to rush. He’ll do it well this time, there’s no turning back from this decision. Nothing will stop him this evening. 

He’s at the door at last, he leans his head against it, he’s worn out and he struggles to open this goddamn door. He’s relieved when he succeeds and drags himself inside, still feeling pain all over his body. With tired eyes he switches the lights on and throws the keys onto the table in the kitchen. He looks around to be sure that he’s alone and he exhales deeply as he’s the only person in this house at the moment. Meanwhile, the noise and chaos in his head have begun to get more and more annoying and painful sometimes, so that he rushes straight to the bathroom. His breath has become quicker and more shallow as his eyes wonder wildly around the new room. He begins to undress, stripping down to his boxers, throwing away his clothes with disgust. His father touched them, Christoph was wearing them while he was beating him up, he doesn’t want to feel them on his skin anymore. Yet, he has to come back for one tool that should be in the jacket’s pocket. He’s looking for the knife he took with himself when he left his old home. To his own disappointment, he doesn’t find it there and apprehension rises inside him. He needs to find it. It all had begun in that god-forsaken house and it’ll end with it. He rises onto his feet, his head dizzy and black spots marring his vision from the sudden move, but he ignores it. He needs to find that knife. He checks the drawer with all cutlery in the kitchen but of course that’s too obvious. He starts checking other cupboards but to no use. Then, he rushes to the bedroom, maybe it’s in the wardrobe or somewhere under the bed? No, it isn’t. He’s getting angry, madness taking over him gradually. He needs to fucking find it. He looks under the cushions on the couch, under the coffee table, under every newspaper, behind every chest of drawers, behind the TV, under the couch, between the books, behind the radiator even… The whole room’s turned upside down, but he’s finally found his salvation. Till must’ve hidden it before, for it’s been waiting for Christoph between some papers in one of the drawers. With shimmering eyes, Christoph takes the knife in his hand, holding it fast, then goes back to the bathroom quickly, nearly tripping over. Before he sits down on the floor again, he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. He turns around and leans against the washbasin, examining himself in the clear glass. His skin is pale, he’s skinny, he looks tired and depressed, he has bruises all over his torso and on his back, the wound from his childhood still reminds him about those horrible times. He can’t look at himself, he’s sick of this sight, so he flops down onto the floor, and sits down on the tiles, leaning against a wall, his eyes vague and lost, his head spinning, the constant noise roaring through his brain. He needs rest so desperately but keeps doing nothing, apart from this numb existing. 

He begins to play with the knife that’s still in his hand, he twists it and checks it, clenching his jaw one time after another. Waves of adrenaline and heat start rushing through his body, he’s fidgeting with the tool now, his fingers shaky, his breathing still shallow. He doesn’t even notice when drops of water run down his cheeks, and after that fall down onto his naked skin. He sniffs and rubs his eyes, shame falls down on him immediately, the feeling of being weak comes crashing down on him. He’s so disappointed, so disgusted, so stupid… A sharp cry tears out from his dry throat, a call for allegedly unwanted help, a sound of complete desperation and helplessness. The only question that’s tormenting him now is simple, “why?”. Why did it all happen? Why can’t he have a normal life? Why can’t he have loving parents and friends? Why does he have to be so pathetic? Why does he have to be so gullible? So fragile? Why can’t he get rid of his problems? Why can’t he fix it? He’s trying so hard, so why isn’t it working? He’s been given the second chance, why can’t he take advantage of it? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why is life such a dick to him?

This is it, the time has come, no more pondering, no more thinking, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more misery, no more humiliation. He looks down at the shining blade, and swallows hard. His mouth is dry, cold sweat on his back, his jaw tightly clenched, his eyes still moist. He’s holding the knife firmly and raises it, his hand shaking, suddenly feeling weak and numb. He doesn’t give up, he’s fighting with his self-preservation, adrenaline wild in his body. No turning back, he knows it. He resumes his attempt and succeeds in placing the sharp edge on his inner forearm. He slides the cold steel down his hand slowly, sending shivers down his own spine, until he reaches his wrist. He gulps again, then lets out a feeble exhale, tears distorting his view. He’s feeling so hopeless and powerless, but he cannot resign now. He has to do it to end it. He just has to, so he puts pressure onto the blade, so that it starts ripping his skin apart, making him hiss and causing tears to fall from his eyes rapidly.

He thought nothing could stop him. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... it's got sad again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's drag the sadness out of here.

Chapter XIII

  
Till is approaching his place quickly, his pace firm and powerful. He’s feeling a terrible need to be back home as soon as possible, because something’s telling him that something wrong may be happening now, but he can’t tell what it is. That thought, the inner sensation is there and he can’t get rid of it. He just needs to return to his place and find out that everything’s alright, that it was another stupid and irrational vision created by his cruel mind. His anxiety is rising with every step he’s taking, the worries becoming more and more annoying and stronger. The nerves are taking over, cold shivers are running down his spine. He still doesn’t understand why it all is happening but it doesn’t really matter now, he needs to get home – that’s what matters now. Whatever is going on inside, he needs to know it, needs to check it, needs to be sure that Christoph is alright. 

Some weight is taken off his shoulders when he sees that the lights are on in his house. That’s a good sign, he hopes. It just has to be okay, it’s his terrible mind that’s making up awful scenarios right now, none of the things he’s thinking about can be real. It’s just his too huge imagination, which is a curse sometimes. He finally approaches the door and fumbles with the keys, finding it difficult to put the right one into the lock. It makes him even more tensed but he manages to open the door at last. He walks in carefully, with his heart in his mouth, looking around, searching for his companion. He’s nowhere to be seen from Till’s current position, so he goes deeper into his house and notices that it’s all a mess. The couch is overturned, the books and papers are all over the floor, the coffee table is in a different place than usually, all drawers are opened… The kitchen looks slightly better, but it’s in chaos too. A quick thought shoots through Till’s mind – what the fuck has happened here? Who has done it all? Has it been Christoph? Where is he now? 

Till looks around frantically and a miserable sob draws his attention. It’s coming from bathroom, so Till wastes no more time and rushes to the said room. He stands in the door, completely terrified and concerned, and his eyes finally see the scene. 

It’s horrible. It hurts. It hurts him, the sight pierces right through him, through his heart, it rips his soul apart. He wants to scream but he can’t. At first, he can’t move, he can’t do anything. He just stares. He stares at that poor young skinny boy, with purple bruises on his arms, chest and stomach, sitting on the cold tiles, only in his underwear, the other clothes tossed away, he’s got tears running down his pale and sad face, he’s holding a knife in his trembling hands in attempt to tear his skin apart with its blade. There’s a weak stream of fresh blood running down his wrist, the cut doesn’t seem to be deep or dangerous. He’s clutching the knife, the blade’s no longer touching his hand, but it remains above it. Till’s praying for him not to dare to move it. He’s praying for him to throw it out, to forget it. 

He’s astounded. He keeps staring until Christoph looks up at him, his eyes puffy and watering. His lips are trembling, his gaze wild and scared, full of pain, shame. He wants to say something, but he can’t. The words, yells, almost ripping from his lungs, yet he keeps them muted, with a silent, almost unnoticeable plea in the coldest blue eyes on earth. 

“Don’t do this, please…” Till whispers, his voice wavery. “Put the knife away, Christoph,” he continues as he takes one step into the bathroom. 

“I, I… Don’t come here. I’m disgusting. Stay where you are,” Christoph answers quietly, painfully. 

“Put the knife away.”

“No! I want to end it! Leave me alone, let me kill myself, I can’t stand it anymore!”

“Don’t even say this, I won’t let you do this,” he says and he goes farther into the room.

“Go out! Why are you ruining it again? I want to die!” A sharp yell escapes his mouth.

“You don’t, Christoph! If you wanted it, you would’ve already been dead!” 

“Do you really want to watch me do this? Want to watch me bleed to death?” He asks with misery in his voice, the hand with the knife shaking, the grasp on it not so tight as before.

“You won’t do this. I know you won’t do this. I don’t know the reasons holding you back from doing this, but… you simply won’t do this.”

“Don’t be so sure!” He lets out the last scream before he’s been saved once more.

In one quick move, Till is on the floor, just in front of Christoph. He grabs his hand and rips the knife out of it, then tosses it away. Christoph’s confused, astonished, he doesn’t realise what’s just happened, and he just lifts his gaze up onto Till again. He doesn’t say anything now. He lets out a shaky breath and a broken and weak moan, then just falls into Till’s arms, burying his head into the other man’s shoulder. Till wraps his strong arms around Christoph, pulling him closer to himself, holding him very tightly, he never ever wants to let him go. He knows that Christoph is safe there, in his peaceful and warm embrace that’s full of sympathy, kindness and hospitality. He can no longer consider it, for Christoph just starts crying his poor soul out into his shoulder, the tears soaking through Till’s shirt immediately. He sniffles and whines, the sight and sounds heartbreaking, so Till starts rubbing his bare back in attempt to soothe his wretched nerves. Christoph’s shivering, because of emotions and the unsuspected contact, but he doesn’t mind, he even seems a tiny bit less tensed, but it can also be only Till’s imagination. Oh, how badly he wants Christoph to calm down, to be serene, to get rid of the pain that’s constantly inside him, he hates to see him broken every day, he doesn’t want to worry about him or his life. He needs him to feel strong and tough because that’s what he deserves, happiness and power instead of despair and the feeling of being weak. He knows he has to help him forget about this shit, about all those nightmares haunting him, he needs to fight them with him. He promises himself that he’ll do all he can to fix this man, because he’s not there to suffer. 

They don’t care if a quarter or a whole hour has passed, what is valid is the fact that Christoph has finally calmed down a bit, his sobs not so loud and miserable now, his breathing slower, his body more relaxed. He’s still hidden in Till’s shoulder, his hands clutching his shirt. He doesn’t want to let go and Till doesn’t mind, he’ll stay like this for him as long as it’s needed. Till rests his hand on Christoph’s back, and buries the other one in his hair, making him feel even safer now. Christoph swallows hard, a faint wave of warmth travels through him. He knows he’ll have to say something at last.

“You’ve saved me… again,” Christoph mumbles silently into the other man’s shoulder.

“I knew something was wrong, I couldn’t just ignore it,” Till replies softly.

“Thank you. And I… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologise for it. You’ve no reason to do so.”

A while of silence falls upon them, they remain in this embrace, Christoph’s safest and most comfortable place in this world now. His breathing gets more steady, last shivers run through him, no more cries escaping his lungs, only tiny teardrops left on his cheeks.

“You were right,” Christoph speaks again, “I won’t do this.”

“I would never let you do this. I wouldn’t let you leave me.”

Another wave of pleasant warmth runs through Christoph, making him feel calmer inside. 

“Would _you_ ever leave me?” Christoph asks shakily.

“Never ever. I will never do this to you, I promise you, Christoph,” Till whispers, his words sincere. “I am here for you and I will help you get out of this shit.”

“I just… want to be happy, is this too much? I don’t want to suffer anymore, I don’t want my life to consist of pain and fear.”

“I know and you don’t have to worry about it. I’ll help you, whatever it takes.”

“What would I do without you, Till…” Christoph breathes out and then returns the tight embrace one more time.

Christoph lets out a deep sigh and decides to leave Till’s arms, even though he could stay there forever. He wiggles a bit to make Till let him go and he fulfils his silent request. The two men are still opposite each other, neither of them says anything. Christoph’s staring at the floor, he can’t force himself to look into Till’s eyes. He’s sad and he doesn’t want the other man to see it better than he can do now. He doesn’t want to keep worrying him. 

Christoph’s so focused on the ground before him, that he doesn’t even notice when Till reaches out his hand to him. Christoph jumps in his place slightly when the other man’s hand makes contact with his pale skin on his cheek. At first, he doesn’t know what to think or what to do but he ignores the confusion to enjoy Till’s warm but rough hand. It’s not unpleasant though. He leans into the touch, closing his eyes, exhaling waveringly, giving in to the sensation. Till’s relieved at this sight, at the sight of how soothing to Christoph such a contact is. It’s sure that both of them are enjoying this proximity and the tranquillity that it brings. 

After a while, Till cups Christoph’s face with both of his hands, he knows that it won’t scare him and he’s right. Christoph sighs deeply and swallows again, leaning into this warmth of the other human being. He’s feeling dizzy, those feelings that have been wanted for so long, but which are so unknown to him, are simply overwhelming, but he’s trying as hard as he can to go through it. Because he knows that he’s safe and that he may find happiness exactly here. 

With his eyes still closed, he completely loses himself as Till starts rubbing his cheeks with his thumbs. He’s feeling more and more blissfully with every lingering touch, his breathing slow and calm, but his heart starts beating a bit faster. He’s so consumed by this utter serenity, he adores this. What makes him more surprised but also even more relieved is the moment of his forehead being kissed delicately by Till. He completely wasn’t expecting it, but when it happens – it’s a blessing. He lets out a weak exhale, his lips remain slightly parted, he’s flustered but he wants more, he wants Till to kiss him again. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to wait long for this, since Till plants another gentle kiss on Christoph’s forehead. He’s feeling so light now, his soul no more heavy, but how long will it last? As he falls into that way of thinking, he huffs nervously, shivering under Till’s touch. He watches Christoph closely, he notices there’s some unease crawling onto him, so he leans his forehead against Christoph’s one as softly as he can. He waits a while until Christoph goes back into his calmer state, so that he’ll hear every word Till has to say.

“Christoph,” he starts, “You have to promise me one thing. You will never try to do this again.”

Here they go. Christoph gulps as he hears this demand, yet he knows that he is able to fulfil his request. He has to do it, he has to show him that he’s worth it (whatever it is). He knows that it may be hard, but he will have to survive. He’s feeling strong and confident now, even though deep inside he realises that no one can be sure what he’s yet to be put through. 

“I… I…” he breathes, it’s as if he couldn’t say that word aloud. “I promise.”

At this sound, a grin appears on Till’s face and he rubs his forehead against Christoph’s, what makes him put on the tiniest smile in the world. 

“That’s my boy,” Till whispers back as he takes his hands away from Christoph’s face. Following this, cold air hits his flushed cheeks and he misses the other man’s touch immediately. He opens his eyes to see a pair of kind blue-green irises just in front of him. He goes shy again, so he looks down and pulls away from Till, so that their heads are no longer touching. He doesn’t know what to do now, so he waits patiently for Till to say something, to spare him his own embarrassment, to spare him another round of crashing chaos in his head. He’s feeling so small now, but the seed of something bigger, higher and stronger has been planted in his heart. After all, maybe it’ll be fine some day… 

“Let’s dress these wounds now, shall we?” Till offers and grabs Christoph by the hand, so that both of them stand up. He looks at the slightly taller man and adds, “or I’ll bring you something to wear first. You’re shivering.”

Till gets a warm but very timid smile in response, yet he cherishes the sight. He returns the gesture and disappears from the room, leaving Christoph alone. His head is pleasantly empty now and he hopes for it to be like that as long as possible. The silence is a blessing. He doesn’t know why it is like this, though, so many things have just happened… Or maybe this is the reason behind all this tranquillity. All emotions have just burst out from him, he’s cried his whole miserable soul out, the chaos has gone away with all the blood he bled. It has gone away with the screams and yells, with Till dragging the rest of the noise out of him with his own warm and rough hands, with the gentlest kisses on earth… 

He’s standing there awkwardly, he doesn’t really know if he should do anything now, so he chooses to just wait for Till to come back. He’s so glad that he hasn’t asked any unnecessary questions yet. He certainly doesn’t need them at the moment, he just wants this day to end. Yet, he’s got in mind that the night isn’t going to be an easy one. He’s sure there’ll be tens of nightmares, cold sweat, chills, wet sheets, wet forehead, tears, cries and dread. He knows that he’ll wake Till up multiple times but he hopes that the other man will understand him. He has to, he’s seen what Christoph had been put through.

Till comes back with clean clothes in his hands, sympathy and hospitality in his ocean-like eyes, which send a spark of comfort into Christoph’s heart. 

“Here, take these,” Till says as he hands Christoph the clothes.

“What if I stain them?” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll wash them if it happens. It doesn’t matter. Come on.”

Without a word, Christoph takes the loose T-shirt and a pair of tracksuit bottoms and puts them on quickly. He doesn’t want Till to glance at his bruises every once in a while, it embarrasses him, it makes him feel weak and fragile and he hates it. He’s not like that, he’s not as miserable as the world thinks he is. He’ll have to prove it at last, when all this wilderness finally ends.

Christoph walks over to the washbasin and turns the tap, so that cool water runs all over his injured wrist. It stings a little, for the majority of blood has already dried. The wounds indeed aren’t serious, they’re like standard cuts from a knife that one can get while slicing food. Till’s relieved that they’re not a hazard to Christoph’s life and he watches silently as Christoph washes his hands. Meanwhile, he’s thinking about all those bruises he’s seen on Christoph’s body and is considering if he should ask about them tonight or not. He guesses he’ll have to find out how the things will turn out in the nearest future first. 

Christoph dries his hands carefully and then lets Till do the rest of the job. He uses a sanitiser, making the cuts sting a burning pain, what causes Christoph to hiss. Till sends him silent apologies as he waits for the liquid to evaporate a bit, so that he can wrap a bandage around the other man’s wrist. He knots it and then gestures to Christoph, letting him know that he’s finished. Christoph manages to put the smallest smile on his face and, with his head down again, he leaves the bathroom. Till’s alone here now. He sighs heavily and turns to the washbasin to splash cold water onto his face. He needs some refreshment for the night’s not over yet. He knows there’s still more things and problems coming, he’s sure Christoph will have nightmares and that this night will most likely be a sleepless one for them both. He needs to brace himself for that.

Having put all the laundry into the washing machine, along with his blood-stained shirt, he goes out of the bathroom to check if the door is closed and then switch all the lights off. Next, he heads to his bedroom, he has to find some old T-shirt to sleep in and see how Christoph’s feeling too. The second thing is a priority. He enters the room carefully and notices Christoph who’s sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, his fingers rubbing his temples, his elbows leaning atop his knees. Till lets out a deep exhale as he goes farther into the room. Christoph’s focus turns to him, and, he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, his heart skips a beat as he sees the other man’s naked torso. He gulps and tears his eyes away from him, shrugging the sensation off, coming back to his contemplation quickly. His head no longer in his hands, though. He remains silent as Till looks for a piece of clothing and then slips it on. Next, Till approaches Christoph and sits down beside him. Now, they both are silent, neither of them knows how to start a conversation. Christoph starts tugging at the bandage and scratching it, a nervous act of his. 

“Leave it alone, for fuck’s sake,” Till grunts.

Christoph does what he’s told to without hesitation, becoming all bashful again. 

“Sorry,” Till murmurs. “You should go to sleep, Christoph. It’ll help you. You need to rest.”

“Do you really think I’ll be able to rest tonight? After all this…”

“No, I don’t…” Till shakes his head. “But you have to try. You can’t stay up all night.”

“Okay, but what then? What will happen tomorrow? Or later?”

“And what… is supposed to happen?” Till frowns, not really knowing what Christoph has on his mind.

“You’ll send me to a psychiatric hospital?” Christoph murmurs.

“Why do you even think like this? This will never happen, stop with this, boy… Wait. Did someone tell you you’d go there when you were younger?”

Christoph clenches his jaw and doesn’t say a word. Till knows the answer now and he doesn’t need to ask any further questions. The shroud of silence has fallen upon them for the millionth time now, it’s getting awkward by this moment. The tense atmosphere is easier to sense, so it’s high time this day finished.

“Go to sleep, Christoph,” Till says and stands up from the bed. He can’t even take one step before the other man grabs him by the hand, making him turn around.

“Don’t go, please,” Christoph whispers, almost inaudibly. 

“So… Do you want me to…?”

“Yes, Till. Don’t leave me.”

“Sure,” Till whispers back, a warm smile tugging onto his lips.

Christoph lets go of his hand and crawls onto the bed, already trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. In the meantime, Till turns the lights off, and then joins Christoph on the bed; luckily, the bed is big and can seat two men. They’re lying next to each other, there’s no connection between their bodies, Christoph’s back is turned to Till. There is unease in the air, which one can see with the naked eye, in the moonlight that’s coming into the room and falling upon them through the window. Because of this and Christoph’s loose T-shirt that’s revealing a part of his side, Till notices a dark purple bruise that’s already formed there. He huffs and thinks it over very fast, his curiosity winning this time. He needs to be subtle though. He closes himself to Christoph just a little bit, the other man feeling the mattress moving, making his apprehension rise. He clenches his jaw, waiting for whatever is coming, his body becoming tensed too but he remains still. 

Lying on his side, Till reaches out his hand and brushes his rough fingers along Christoph’s cool and smooth but bruised skin, as delicately as he can. Nevertheless, Christoph flinches at this gentle contact, yet he doesn’t complain or move away. He exhales heavily, so that Till gets even more careful as he continues stroking his side in a soft manner. He’s watching Christoph closely until he finally sees that he’s becoming less nervous and tensed under his touch. Now, the right moment has come.

“Christoph, how did you get these bruises?” 

“Do you really want to know?” Christoph breathes, lying still.

“Honestly? I want to know everything that has happened today.”

“Why? You don’t need to know…”

“I…”

“What?” Christoph interrupts. “You have to be gracious because you’ve prevented my… again? I don’t need your mercy.”

“I’m just…”

“Yes, I know you want to help… I know…” he sighs. “I’m sorry. It’s all so overwhelming, I can’t get my head around it.”

“I know how it feels.”

Till rests his hand on Christoph’s side but then he suddenly turns around, so that both men are facing each other. Christoph swallows as he begins to examine Till’s tired but calm face, hidden in the dark, and tries to take in the pleasant warmth that’s radiating from his palm lying freely on his skin. Christoph’s looking at Till as if he wanted to read something in his blue-green eyes but he always failed. What he can’t hide is the spark of trust and gratitude shining in his own cold blue iris. Despite this, he still looks lost and bewildered, scared of something even. There still is a burden lying deep inside him, which he’ll have to let out soon. He knows he will. Even the next morning if that’s necessary. He’ll have the guts to do it then. Now is not the time for it, he’s not ready to relive it. He will be in the morning, that’s for sure.

He’s pulled out of his own mind as he feels Till’s warm and soft lips pressing gently to his forehead. His head spins but he enjoys this feeling, the closeness of the other man. He also notices that Till’s _just_ beside him, the heat of his body embracing his own, his strong arm now wrapped around Christoph’s back carefully enough not to make the bruises hurt. Christoph closes his eyes and relaxes his flexed muscles, giving Till all of his trust. He’s lying more comfortably, getting used to being in such a proximity with other man, to being in someone’s arms and relying on him, to feeling safe. It’s still unusual to him but it feels fine and even better than fine. He thinks that he can finally relax and maybe set free from all that pain and sorrow that are living inside him, thriving on each other, a horrible symbiosis. 

Christoph lets out the last exhale before he attempts to fall asleep. He forces himself not to think about anything, he just wants that blissful emptiness, this is all he needs now to slumber at least a quarter. He’s not counting on having too much sleep tonight, so he’ll take advantage of as much sleep as he can grasp. 

As he’s lying there, in Till’s embrace, breathing calmly, the other man keeps gazing at him, waiting for him to fall asleep, meanwhile admiring his moonlit face, his smooth and pale skin, so flawless, so sharp in expression, his cheekbones even sharper, perfectly shaped. He thought Zven was ideal but now he knows that he was wrong. He finally has time to just watch Christoph fall asleep, resting his terribly weary self right next to him. Till’s feeling as if it was what he needed – another human being under his wing. His heart skips a beat at this thought and he sighs deeply, his intuition telling him very silently, that things may start getting well at last.

  



	14. Chapter 14

Chapter XIV

  
The night has been merciful for the two men so far. They’ve been sleeping peacefully, Christoph’s light snoring can prove it. They’re lying comfortably, entangled with each other more and more with every passing hour. Neither of them realises how much it’s calming them down, how such a proximity is helping them both, preventing them from terrifying and vivid nightmares. For once, Christoph’s sleep brings him rest, brings him what he needed – an escape from this terrible world, from all those terrible people, except for one man, obviously. He doesn’t want to run away from him, thinking about it makes him sick. He’s finally feeling safe in one place, with one human being, and he’s going to hold on tightly to this situation. He’s never known such feelings before, all these pleasant sensations so new to him, yet so good and promising. He no longer cares if this is right or not, he simply wants it to last, wants to be near Till.

It’s almost 3 in the morning when Christoph’s breathing quickens, his exhales and inhales sharper and wheezing-like. He begins to squirm in Till’s embrace, his lips part, a faint moan escapes his throat. He furrows his brows in his sleep, his jaw clenching and relaxing, making his teeth chatter once in a while. Another weak sound escapes his mouth, this time a word, a sad and scared “no” breaks the silence in the room. Christoph jerks in his sleep, as if he was trying to set free from Till’s warm embrace. He swallows hard and is now breathing with his mouth agape, something similar to a cry rips from his lungs. This is certainly enough to wake Till up. His sleepy eyes notice the poor man next to him, so close, yet so far and deep in his nightmare. Even though it’s night, Till knows that he has to tear Christoph from his dream, he can’t watch him suffer like this. He takes his hand from Christoph’s back and raises it to stroke his cheek gently, whispering his name in the meantime. Christoph mumbles something incoherently and attempts to move away from Till, but he keeps holding him close. He says his name once again, this time louder, and cups his face with his large hands. “Christoph,” he repeats one more time, making him wake up with a deep inhale, his eyes shoot open and tears stream down his cheeks immediately. His wet cold blue eyes glisten in the dark room, dread present in them. He can’t even say a word, for Till plants the softest possible kiss on his lips, just to calm this broken boy down, to bring peace to his mind. Christoph whines quietly and gives in to the contact, which Till breaks after a while, making Christoph a bit disappointed. Yet, he remains close to him, their foreheads touching, Christoph’s trying to get his breathing back to a steady one. 

“It’s okay now, Christoph. I’m here,” Till whispers reassuringly. 

“Did I wake you up?” Christoph asks all worried, his eyes glistening from tears.

“It doesn’t matter. Do you want a glass of water or something?”

“No, no, thank you… I want to sleep but I don’t know if I can…” he almost weeps.

Christoph cuddles up to Till, hiding his head in the other man’s warm chest, sniffling silently. Till exhales deeply, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close carefully. He shushes him like a little child but he sees no other solution for this situation. He knows this is what Christoph needs to maybe fall asleep again. Poor boy is shivering in his embrace, the terrible dream must be still haunting his mind. Till doesn’t say a word, peace and silence are everything that’s necessary now, Christoph has to calm his racing mind down. 

A quarter or two pass and Till finds Christoph sleeping, all quiet and peaceful again. Tears have dried, shivering has stopped. Till sighs with relief and rubs the other man’s back in a calm manner, Christoph relaxing under his warm but rough hand, he even starts to snore lightly. Till smiles to himself and closes his sleepy eyes, then kisses the top of Christoph’s head. He falls asleep in a minute.

The rest of the night is still. Nightmares don’t wake them up, the silence and darkness have completely took the two men in their arms. 

The morning comes all too soon, as always. Till is the first to be awake, he opens his eyes lazily and the first thing he sees is Christoph’s handsome face. Two sun rays are decorating his pale skin, he’s still fast asleep, his lips parted, his breathing calm. This is the view with which Till is more than delighted, Christoph is finally resting, nothing disturbing his serene state. Moreover, he is simply perfect. Now Till can see it even more clearly, in the sunlight, when the exhaustion is almost gone from Christoph’s face. He looks so stern, yet so vulnerable like a little boy, so handsome and so cute at the same time, so harshly German but there’s something soft in him too. Till keeps gazing, forgetting about the world around him, his mind focused on the man next to him. He’d love to touch his soft cheek but he doesn’t want to wake him up. He wants to let him sleep as long as he needs, he went through so many things yesterday. This reminds him of Christoph’s bruises, he has to find out who caused him so much pain, so that he will have a chance to pay that person back. He won’t give up, this isn’t something he could simply ignore. No one will do such things to Christoph. No one will lead him to a suicide attempt again. 

Christoph moves in his place as he wakes up slowly, opening his eyes, noticing Till immediately. He searches something in his blue-green eyes but then averts his gaze. He exhales heavily as if he wanted to say something but eventually no words leave his mouth. He looks up at Till again, shyly, and manages to keep a longer eye contact with him. Till can easily see that Christoph hasn’t rested to the fullest yet, but he’s not far from it either. 

Christoph sits up on the bed without a word and looks around the room. Till follows his motion and does the same, watching the other man. There’s some gloomy shroud over him but Till is not surprised. The man wanted to kill himself yesterday, it’s quite obvious that he’s not himself yet. 

“I’ll make breakfast, okay?” Till offers and Christoph just nods. Next, he goes out of the bedroom, leaving Christoph there alone, letting him get himself together, and just when he’s in the hall, he notices all that huge mess that’s been here since yesterday. He swears under his breath as he tries not to stomp on books and papers lying all over the floor. Yet, he manages to get to the kitchen, where he finds a mess too – this one isn’t as big as the one in the living room, though. He begins to prepare food, while Christoph’s still sitting on the bed in the bedroom. He isn’t thinking about anything in particular, he stares at the wall for a while and enjoys the void that’s in his head, he has to cherish every moment without chaos. He finally stands up and heads straight to the bathroom. While walking, he can feel every bruise on his body, his chest, his stomach, his arms and back hurt, and he knows he must be looking like a chameleon now with those colours on his torso. He reaches the room and looks at himself in the mirror. His face is quite normal, only slight bags under his cold blue eyes. Then, he tugs his Tee up to discover dark purple spots all over his pale skin. He feels sick the moment he sees all of them, his stomach knots and the flashbacks from the previous day pop up in his head immediately. He pulls the fabric back down and washes his hands, as if he was in a rush. He tries to stay focused on this one activity but with the corner of his eye he notices the knife, the one that was torn from his hand earlier. The memories are even stronger now, the feelings begin to come back and boil, there’s a true hatred towards his father rising in him. He huffs in annoyance and storms out of the bathroom, almost tripping over something that’s lying on the floor. He arrives at the kitchen and sits down at the table without a word. He waits patiently for Till to finish his job.

There it is, simple sandwiches and hot tea. Yet, it’s completely enough, or even more than enough for Christoph. He doesn’t even finish one slice of bread, he looks occupied and thoughtful, his jaw clenching and relaxing once in a while. Till’s observing him, curious about what the man is thinking about and also worried that he’s not eating. He tells him to do so but he sends him a confused look. Eventually, he gives in to Till’s request.

After very silent breakfast, they change into some casual clothes and begin to clean the mess together. Christoph still hasn’t said a word, he’s focused on tidying up, his thoughts are wandering somewhere, to some dark place, they’re certainly not in this room now. Christoph’s eyes are vacant, he’s lifting all the things automatically, without thinking, his body can be next to Till, but his spirit isn’t. There’s something troubling him and Till can see it too clearly but he needs a peaceful while to talk about it all to him. He also understands that Christoph is now just processing all the latest events, poor boy must be having so much going on in his head. Oh, their conversation might be really hard… 

They’re finally done with cleaning, now the house looks just as it looked earlier. They both flop down onto the couch and exhale heavily, they’re quite tired after all that job. Yet, Till stands up after a moment to bring two bottles of cold beer and sit back down on the sofa, next to Christoph. He hands him the bottle and the other man takes it, he seems to be grateful for a cold drink like this. Christoph’s feeling that he should say something now.

“Did you take that knife from the bathroom?” He asks.

“Yes. I threw it out. No one will ever see or use it again,” Till reassures him and takes a sip from his bottle.

A tiny smile tugs onto Christoph’s lips. He also drinks from the bottle, enjoying the cold and bitter liquid flowing down his throat. The difficult and not very comfortable talk is still waiting for him, he knows Till won’t let it go. What’s more, Christoph feels the need to talk about it to him, since he’s still living with him, Till hasn’t stopped caring for him. He just deserves a solid explanation and there are no excuses, so that Christoph could just omit that. He glances at Till, who’s sitting comfortably on the couch, looking quite relaxed, breathing calmly. It’s probably the best moment to start the conversation. Christoph thinks that he’s sorted everything in his own mind, more or less at least, so that he can share it with his only friend.

After one more deep sigh Christoph starts talking, a sudden river of words surprises Till but he’s all ears immediately. He speaks quickly as if he was running out of time, yet he manages to share every detail, he remembers his father’s words, he remembers how vicious and painful they were, and they bring tears into his eyes once more. Till is just watching and listening, he doesn’t dare to interrupt, he wants Christoph to let it all out, even though it’s very hard for him. It’s not that easy for Till either, his heart breaks every time he hears what Christoph’s father said to him. And he’s beginning to feel more and more guilty that he had left Christoph alone once again that evening, that he had chosen his own business. He hates himself for that, if he had gone to the cemetery with him, none of this would’ve happened… 

Christoph is sobbing now, trembling, emotions have taken hold of him completely. He almost can’t stand the memories, they’re so painful, so terribly vivid, as if he still was there. The bruises feel as if they were being made once again, he’s almost experiencing the whole situation for the second time. He stops his fast speech and holds his head in his hands, his breathing quick, causing pain to his abused chest. He whines miserably, he’s feeling so awfully weak again. His insides are screaming, a loud chaotic yell echoing through his head. 

“I am so pathetic…” he moans, “I couldn’t even defend myself…”

“So it was your father who did this to you… I knew that, fuck!” Till yells and puts the bottle on the coffee table with a loud thud, almost breaking it. 

Christoph lifts his head up and looks at him with astonishment and confusion in his eyes. Till turns his gaze to Christoph too, he’s full of guilt and he can’t bear the thought that he could’ve prevented it all but didn’t do this. It’s eating him alive, Christoph can see it in his gloomy ocean-like eyes. 

“It’s not your fault…” Christoph states carefully. “It’s my father’s.”

“But if I hadn’t…”

“You couldn’t predict what would happen. Don’t feel guilty.”

Till sighs deeply and they’re both quiet again. The thoughts are rushing through their minds, they’re so occupied with all this that they almost can’t think straight. In order to disturb his occupied self from it for a while, Christoph takes a long sip from his bottle, emptying it. He puts it on the floor and swallows hard. 

“I hate him. I hate that man who is my father. I hate him with all my being. I wish I had killed him the day I ran away from home…” he murmurs, mostly to himself but Till can hear it anyway.

“You definitely should’ve done it, should’ve eradicated the problem. This fucker deserves that.”

There’s a wave of ideas flowing through Christoph’s head and he suddenly comes up with the solution.

“You’re right,” he says, this time there’s some strange enthusiasm in his voice. “I have to get rid of him. I have to kill him. I want to kill him.” He goes silent but then continues with hope in his eyes, “help me, please. You killed a man yourself.”

“Christoph, do you know what you’re asking me for?” 

“Yes, help me, please. I hate this man, I have to kill him. I have to give him what he deserves.”

“Do you think it’s so easy?”

“I know it’s not but you can…”

“I can?” Till interrupts. “I can do a lot of things for you but this… I have to think about it. This isn’t simple, you’re asking me to kill a man. To commit a murder. Again. I am not a serial killer, do you think I was thinking about consequences when I did that those years ago? I wasn’t. I was young and stupid. I was just lucky that I had thought it over in every way possible, so that no one ever found out that I killed my own father… It’s not something you do every day. I… I have no idea what to think about it now.”

He stands up, he almost can’t believe his own ears. He huffs and grabs the empty bottles, then takes them to the kitchen to throw them out. He looks through a window, his arms folded, his brows furrowed. He rubs his face, still in shock. He’s even in a bigger confusion now, he never thought Christoph would ask him for such a thing. It seems almost surreal to him, someone wants him to kill a man. He certainly has to think it over, at least a few times. If only it was so easy as it seems to Christoph.

Christoph enters the kitchen after a while too. He leans against a wall and stares at Till’s back. He wanted to say something but the sight of his broad back and wide shoulders makes him go speechless. Christoph knows that there is something in Till that’s drawing him to this man but he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. It is there, deep inside him, but he’s trying hard to stop this sensation from going out. Yet, he suddenly remembers what happened at night, when he woke up from his nightmare. A shiver runs down his spine, he doesn’t know if it’s good or bad, as he reminds himself of Till kissing him oh so gently. His vision spins for a moment but he manages to just shrug it off and stop overthinking, so he ends up cleaning his throat loudly. Till turns around at this sound, he’s still confused. He scratches his neck and looks away as if he was looking for the words he should say now.

“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t hold it all inside anymore,” Christoph starts to explain. “I thought you could help me and I know you would if I didn’t ask you for this.”

“I am not saying ‘yes’ and I am not saying ‘no’. Just give me time, Christoph. This isn’t a robbery or drug dealing, this is a way more serious thing.”

“I know, I know… I’m just an idiot, because I can’t be sane if I ask you for such things, right?” Christoph says, his voice very gloomy. 

Till walks over to him and lays his huge hands on Christoph’s shoulders. 

“You’re not an idiot. You’re just… lost.”

He doesn’t even realise it but he’s just hit the nail on the head. How can a man be so precise, yet still so blind? 

Till’s last word is ringing in Christoph’s head, he can’t deny that it’s tiring and annoying and because of all this ruckus, he simply leans his head against the other man’s shoulder and exhales heavily. Till starts rubbing his back in a peaceful manner, oh how he wishes he could somehow help this poor boy.

“All of this sucks, doesn’t it?” Till states casually. 

Christoph groans and lifts his hands slowly and embraces the bigger man carefully. He holds onto him tightly, which makes Till’s heart grow as he can truly feel Christoph’s trust. He himself enjoys it too, the sense of safety and warmth that he can give to this broken boy. 

“Have you got more beer?” Christoph asks.

“Of course, I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this chapter was a bit shorter but I promise you - more things are coming ^^


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter XV

  
A few days have passed since that horrible evening. Everything seems to be back to normal but it isn’t the reality that used to surround the two men before that night. What Till noticed immediately was a kind of radical change in Christoph’s behaviour. He’s still gloomy and the shroud of misery is constantly hanging above him but there’s also some weird aura following him. There’s a mix of anger, the need of revenge and hopelessness there, this is very difficult to describe, Till cannot put his finger on it at all. Yet, something is preventing him from asking about it, because maybe it’s only him imagining things now? He doesn’t want to be intrusive, if Christoph really had a problem with it, he would tell Till about it, right? Till has saved his life twice, there can’t be anything that would draw two people closer to each other than that. 

Speaking of being closer, the two men have been spending majority of time together. Till has taken him to places, where he had to work, as often as he could, since he just can’t let anything bad happen to this lost boy. He’s feeling that he’s responsible for him, he’s feeling attached to him and most likely Christoph’s attached to him too. Christoph goes to work with Till with pleasure, at least he doesn’t have to sit at home all day, and what’s more, he sometimes helps his friend, so that they both get money. Neither of them can complain about that. The fact that they’re a good company for each other is a bonus, at least they aren’t feeling so lonely anymore. Even though Christoph doesn’t talk too much, Till appreciates him being by his side so often. 

What Till has noticed is that Christoph is very good with animals too.

Spending late afternoons and evenings next to each other, on the sofa in the living room, at the table in the kitchen or lying on the bed in the bedroom has also bound them and made them feel quite comfortable in each other’s presence. They don’t mind their time being peaceful and quiet, the other man is all they need. And occasionally a bottle of beer or something stronger too. It doesn’t mean that the alcohol makes them open up and tell every detail of their lives, they don’t do that when they’re drunk. Most of the times, they fall asleep together, not because of the amount of the alcohol, but because of pure exhaustion after a working day. Being tired is a negative side of working almost all day, but it also assures Till that Christoph won’t be thinking about doing anything stupid at the end of the day. Sneaky but effective. 

The moment when they fall asleep is their favourite one, even though neither of them wants to admit that. The feeling of someone next to you, someone who takes care of you and your safety is something that brings peace to Christoph’s mind for a huge couple of minutes. Only when he leans his head against Till’s shoulder does he calm down completely, so that there’s silence in his head and he can fall asleep without problems. Oh how Till cherishes those moments, although he might not realise it. Seeing Christoph so serene makes his heart grow bigger, he could gaze at this man for the rest of his life. He admires his perfect sharp features every time, and every time Christoph’s close to falling asleep, he hugs him, so that Christoph can easily cuddle up to him, and after that Till plants tens of the most delicate kisses on his forehead. Of course Christoph would return them with pleasure but when it comes to his mind, he’s on the very edge of sleeping and in the daytime it’s impossible because everything is simply too clear then, at night, in the dark or barely lit rooms things are blissfully blurry.

  
*********

  
It hasn’t been too good time for Richard now. He hates himself more with each day, he wants to change his life so bad but if only it were so easy, he would’ve changed it long ago. Every day he comes home being on the verge of breaking down completely, yet he knows he has to stay strong, he has to bear it, he has to pay the debt. There’s no other option for him than be a manwhore, even though he despises his profession. This is horrible, it feels like a nightmare, especially when he has to satisfy men too. It makes him feel so unbearably filthy, so terrible, so used, so worthless, like a meaningless toy for someone else’s pleasure. He hates his face, his hands, his legs, his whole body. He feels the dirt everywhere and it gets more difficult to wash off with each day that passes. He has to scratch and scrub harder and harder to get rid of that awful and disgusting feeling that makes him want to throw up. He has wounds mostly on his shoulders and arms, there are some on his belly and ribs too, but he tries to omit those places. His repugnant clients are more and more cruel, they comment on his scratches, they say they’re ugly and that they’ll complain about it to Richard’s boss. In those moments, he wants to just disappear, how can they say such things about him? How can they keep destroying him like this? How can they just ruin him? They don’t help much when they act brutally towards him either, some slaps or kicks here and there make him want to cry but he knows he can’t do this at work. Unless they want him to do so. Instead, he spends evenings at home on sobbing miserably into the pillow when he has enough strength to reach his bed. He tends to cry his soul out on the floor or in the shower while trying to scrub his filth off for at least half an hour. He realises it’s killing him in a way but he can’t give up, he has to manage for some time more. He’s already sacrificed so much, he’s been sacrificing his own health all this time, he can’t let go so easily, he hopes that this nightmare will end soon.

Another day has come. He’s up when it’s already 1 p.m., again, he spent half of the night crying and immersing himself in utter self-loathing. He’s so tired after that, yet he has another appointment today. The only thing that keeps him sane is the fact that he’s going to meet Till again, it makes him believe that maybe today he won’t be _that_ humiliated or beaten up. What’s more, Till seems quite caring when it comes to having sex with Richard, and it makes the situation a lot easier to take in. Not that it is super good then, though. 

He gets up unwillingly, sighing heavily. He rubs his face with his hands and decides to finally start this awful day. First of all, he goes to the bathroom, and in the mirror he notices immediately how tired he is. His eyes are red and a bit puffy, he has bags under them, there are still red scratches on his arms. This is not how he used to look when he worked only with women. He looked much better then. He wasn’t so worn out, so unhappy, so wounded, so filthy. It was so different back then and he wishes he could go back in time. While he’s looking at himself in the mirror, it happens every time he does it, he realises that he has to do something about his life or it will simply kill him. His mind won’t be able to cope with it. He’ll simply lose if he just leaves it be. But again, if only it were so easy… 

  
*********

  
“Where are you going?” Christoph asks as he sees that Till is getting ready to leave.

“Didn’t I tell you?”

“I don’t think so,” Christoph shrugs and leans against the wall in the hall.

“I have to visit that whorehouse, you see I…”

“What for?” He asks without thinking, some worry and confusion in his voice. “You’re going to fuck that man again?”

Till exhales deeply. 

“Do you have to go there?” Christoph demands.

“I don’t want to lose my money just like that. If I don’t show up, they might catch me somewhere in the city and charge more for wasting their time.”

Christoph looks down, he’s feeling as if his insides were trembling, he feels lost and abandoned in a way. He almost falls into a swirl of wild thoughts but a huge hand grasping his arm gently prevents him from doing so.

“I’ll be back as fast as I can. Please, stay here, I don’t want any trouble, I don’t want you to get hurt,” Till says softly.

“Don’t go there,” Christoph mutters.

“I have to, in a way.”

“So, don’t go to bed with him,” he mumbles, staring at the floor.

He can’t be more obvious now, can he? 

“Don’t ask questions, please. Just don’t do it with him,” Christoph shrugs.

Till doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do if not fuck Zven. The only option that seems reasonable is to show up there and go home. He wasn’t even prepared for such a request from Christoph but he’s too astonished and bewildered to argue with it and wonder why it happened. He leaves it be for now and just sends Christoph a simple nod, a silent promise to keep his hands off Zven tonight. 

“This is the last time I’m going there anyway,” Till informs.

Christoph clearly appreciates this and finally looks up at the other man, a tiny smile painting on his face. The boys exchange goodbyes and Till leaves the house to walk peacefully to his destination. He knows it’ll be the quickest meeting ever but he doesn’t want to let Christoph down. 

He doesn’t even consider the reason behind Christoph’s plea, it’s not that important now. What is though is what he’ll say to Zven when he finally arrives at the place. The boy will surely be surprised when he hears the news but Till thinks he’ll also be… grateful? Yes, he might’ve been more relaxed during their second meeting but Till saw that he was kind of tensed anyway. And if he has to serve more clients now, then he must be feeling terrible. Poor boy, Till thinks. What else can he do than fulfil Christoph’s request and make Zven a bit happier too? Maybe he’ll want to talk to someone too? Till can listen, he’s the one who pays, so he can stay there for a while. Maybe he’ll be able to help someone else? That’ll surely lighten up his mood and when he tells it to Christoph, it might cheer him up. In times like this, Till hates the world for being so cruel to such young and innocent people, he finds it terribly unfair and heartbreaking. Yet, one of the most heartbreaking moments are when Christoph suffers and Till sees him in utter misery, he wants to cry with him but also kill everyone who’s ever hurt this pretty boy. 

He enters his usual room and closes the door behind himself. He looks around in search of Zven and finds him on the floor, behind the bed, already on all fours. He swallows hard and tells him to get up, his voice gentle. At first, Richard can’t believe his own ears and stays on his hands and knees but then Till repeats his words and Richard gets up eventually. Till puts the money down on the bedside table and sits down on the bed and offers the other man a place beside him, on which Richard sits down. The boy is still a bit scared, he doesn’t know what is going to happen after all, Till has never acted like this before.

“You can talk, I won’t do anything to you tonight,” Till announces casually. “In fact, this is the last time I am here, so we might never meet again.”

These words make Richard’s chest go tight. Till doesn’t want to meet him anymore? But why? He is the only client who cares about him and even gives him extra money. Why does he want to leave him?

“Have I done anything wrong?” Richard asks shyly, sadness in his voice.

“No, I just… decided to stop,” he replies and thinks about this for a while. Christoph asked him for it, he didn’t decide for him, he just gave him an option. It’s Till who has decided to quit fucking around.

“Oh, okay…”

“I hope it won’t affect you too much.”

Richard looks at the door in front of him. The time has come to let it out, he won’t have another chance. He’s been getting ready to say it out loud since their last meeting. Now or never. He probably won’t have a better chance anytime soon, if only he ever has one.

“I mean… Honestly?” Richard says carefully and Till just nods slowly. “It will affect my life because you give me tips and it helps a lot… And it’s just… It all, and my boss…” He swallows hard. “No, no, why am I telling you this, you have your own business to mind…”

“You can tell me if it makes you feel better.” Till shrugs. 

“A manwhore complaining about his life, are you sure you want to listen?”

“Didn’t you want to tell me about something last time we met?”

Of course he did. He didn’t have guts to do it then and he thought he’d gather them until the next meeting came. Unfortunately, it’s as difficult as it was back then. 

Richard takes a deep breath and exhales shakily, he wants to say it so much, to ask for some help, he’s desperate now, it seems as if Till was his only hope. 

“Okay.” He clears his throat. “I’ll try to get straight to the point, I don’t want to go into the backstory now. I need your help.”

“My help? How do you want me to help you?” Till asks, surprised.

“I need to stop with this, this job is killing me,” Richard whispers. “But I won’t get away without help.”

“Why don’t just… get away?”

“I can’t.”

“And the reason is…?”

“My boss. He’ll find me everywhere I’ll go. How I’d love to get rid of him, you know?”

Till knows too well where this is going. This is getting quite hard to bear, why does everyone think he’s the right person to kill others? Or to hurt them in general. This is slowly becoming too much for him at this point and he needs to finish it before it evolves. This also makes him wonder why Zven thinks like this, does he know what Till did a few years ago? If so, the only person he’d know it from is Christoph and Till is sure he’d never tell it to anyone, since Till is the only friend he has. No, this is certainly impossible, Christoph wouldn’t do it to him, he almost doesn’t go out without Till and he doesn’t talk to strangers. No way he did that.

“I can’t help you, I’m sorry,” Till announces and stands up.

“You don’t even know what I want to…”

“I do. And I won’t help you. I won’t get rid of your boss. Sorry.”

“Come on, I need you, I won’t do this alone. I can’t.” Richard stands up too, he has to convince Till.

“Then find someone else. Don’t you have friends who’ll get rid of your boss? We’ve met only three times, you know nothing about me, neither do I about you. I’m leaving. Good luck with whatever you decide on.”

Till walks over to the door and wants to open it but Richard stops him.

“Don’t leave me, man,” Richard pleads. 

“I’ve got my own problems, Zven. My life isn’t easy either and I’m coping… somehow. You’ll handle it.”

“You don’t have your ass fucked every two or three days,” Richard comments coldly. “You don’t get beaten up, you don’t feel the filth I feel every day, you don’t scratch your skin until the dirt flows out with your blood, you sleep at night while I can’t because of this shit I’m in. Consider this,” he says with his arms folded.

Till opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything in the end. He can’t promise anything, yes, he does sympathise him, but that’s all now. He’s got someone else to take care of and help, he doesn’t want it to overwhelm him. He cannot let it happen, he has to have control over it, because when he loses it, then it all might crumble. He can’t disappoint Christoph, not after what he’s done for him, he can’t just start helping another man, he won’t do this to Christoph. He’s too important to him, he finally has someone in this world. He’s not lonely anymore and he can’t just let it go like this. What if Christoph wanted to hurt himself again? There’s no way such a thing can happen while Till is there, by Christoph’s side. 

Without any other word, he goes out of the room and leaves Zven and the place behind. His head feels heavy, dizzy, this is not something nice. He rubs his forehead as he’s walking down the street. The guilt is already haunting him, he should’ve helped Zven, he shouldn’t have left him like that. On the other hand, what could he have done? Agreed to anything Zven wanted from him? That’d be stupid and irresponsible, maybe dangerous too. He certainly doesn’t need another request on his mind, he hasn’t even decided if he’ll help Christoph eradicate his problem. Another unmade promise would crash him, he wouldn’t fulfil neither of the requests. And he’s yet to decide about the first one.

This surely isn’t the time to be thinking about this, since it’s just started to rain and it’s turning into a real downpour. Till tries to concentrate on getting back home as fast as possible, so he rushes through the streets, against the falling wild drops of water. The wind has got a bit stronger too, so it’s nothing too pleasant to be already wet and quite cold. He didn’t think it’d rain today but he was wrong.

As he’s pacing along the street, a realisation of one thing hits him hard, very hard. Suddenly, he remembers Christoph’s words before he left, the “don’t go to bed with him”. He’s trying to explain it somehow, in some rational way but he comes to a conclusion that he can’t do it. There is only one reason why Christoph said that – he was jealous. He was simply jealous, but didn’t want to show it too much, mumbling those words, not even looking Till in the eyes. He doesn’t want to let the most possible reason of this jealousy in, he’s focusing on denying it because it’s just too surreal to him. How can Christoph even…? Why does he…? Can it be real that someone is…? Isn’t Till overthinking now? He’s almost sure he is but still – he doesn’t see any other possible cause of Christoph’s behaviour. 

He never thought something like this would happen.

He comes back to earth for a while when he’s finally close to his house. He walks even faster to get there and dry himself a bit. But when he’s on the stairs, he stops, he stays on the last step, so that the rain is still falling on him. He sighs and begins to think again. He is now almost sure that Christoph is feeling something towards him but what about him? Oh, how he’d love to know the answer if it all wasn’t so blurry now. This day has brought a lot to take in and Till is feeling slightly overwhelmed with it. He sits down on the wet stairs and stares into the distance filled with rain and darkness. He manages to light a cigarette, which brings him an instant relief from thinking. He’s smoking in a quite relaxed way, even though he’s soaking wet. After a good while of exhaling grey plumes of smoke, he knows that he just has to let it be. He’s not a woman to be thinking about his feelings, he just has to go for it if he feels it. 

“What are you doing? You’ll get a cold…”

Christoph’s voice tears him away from his thoughts. He turns around, putting the cigarette off under his boot, and looks up at the other man with a warm smile on his face. 

“How did you know I was here?” Till asks.

“I thought you were a homeless or something… I wanted to make you go away but it’s you. Why don’t you come in?” Christoph wonders, his brows furrowed.

“I was smoking.”

“When it’s a downpour? Poor timing, don’t you think?”

Till only shrugs and stands up, streams of water flowing down his face and clothes. He enters the warm house and goes straight to the bathroom to take off his dripping wet clothes. He puts them into laundry and takes a shower to warm himself up a bit, while Christoph’s brewing tea for them both, concentrating on the boiling water. In a minute, Till joins him in the kitchen, already wearing fresh and dry clothes. He sits at the table and after a while, both men are drinking the hot beverage. 

“I’m glad you’re back” Christoph admits shyly. “It took you a while, so I thought you’d stay even longer there.”

“I didn’t have anything to look for there,” he keeps the truth to himself. For now. “And because of the rain, it took a bit longer to walk back here.” 

“I can imagine.”

“I didn’t get laid there if that’s what’s concerning you.”

Christoph almost chokes on his tea, but manages to compose himself quite quickly. Till chuckles as he sees that. With every second, he’s getting more and more certain that his assumptions about Christoph’s reasons are true. He only can’t believe how blind he’s been all this time. Or maybe it’s not that and he’s making things up? What if he’s being too enthusiastic but there’s just strong friendship from Christoph’s side? This makes his head dizzy again, so he stops thinking about it immediately, he prefers to enjoy Christoph’s company now. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic smut.

Chapter XVI

  
It hasn’t been too good time to Till. While Christoph has been feeling kind of better, he himself has had some hard moments. He wanted to keep the emotions and every possible scenario away from himself but it turns out that it’s impossible. He finds himself thinking about everything more and more often and it isn’t anything nice or too comfortable. What’s more, he can’t make himself talk about it to Christoph, he keeps it all inside and it sometimes seems to be eating him alive. He thought he’d cope with that but there’s just too much going on in his head. 

He spends his evenings on the balcony, smoking, preferably alone, he doesn’t want to bother Christoph with his problems. He stares into the distance, trying to sort at least something out. He starts with the guilt he’s feeling. The guilt caused by the fact that he didn’t decide to help Zven. It seems to him as if he just abandoned him, refused to help him improve his life… what if he really needed him? What if he didn’t and still doesn’t have any other options, what if his life is still so shitty? And it’s all Till’s fault. But on the other hand, he just couldn’t agree to kill a man just like that. He’s not a hit man or anything like that. 

What makes it even more difficult is that he still has to give some kind of answer to Christoph’s request. He wants Till to help him kill his father but again, it isn’t that easy to make such a decision. Unfortunately, it was Till who proposed this solution to Christoph, so the only person he can blame for that is himself. Maybe he shouldn’t have told it to Christoph that day, maybe he shouldn’t have told him that he’d got rid of his own father… Would the things have been better for him if he really hadn’t said a word about it?

And when it comes to Christoph, there’s another problem going on. The problem happening mostly in Till’s head. All those mixing feelings, emotions and reflections… He’s never felt it before and he knows he’s not the one to be considering it, it’s something he hasn’t got control over. He realises he just should go with the flow, do what his heart tells him to, but he’s so unsure, almost as unsure as Christoph is. Maybe he doesn’t show it, yet Till knows that there’s a lot of things on Christoph’s mind right now. One of them surely being his relationship with Till. Till is almost a hundred percent certain that there’s more to it than just friendship. He’s afraid, yes, but he’s also… willing. Willing to go for it, to give it a try, even if nothing comes out of it in the end. He’s willing to try it for Christoph, because he somehow feels that there are words left unspoken between them. There’s something that both of them are afraid to show and let out, yet both of them are coping with it in different ways. While Till has been rather silent and calm these days, there’s been a strange and a bit wicked energy to Christoph, Till has no idea why it’s been like that. Probably Christoph’s still getting himself together after everything that’s happened… 

It’s not that Christoph has been blind and hasn’t noticed Till’s gloomy appearance. He’s noticed it too well and even begun to worry about him. Every time he tried to ask him what was going on, Till didn’t want to answer. Christoph knows that his every attempt was awfully awkward but he’s been trying so hard to make it a bit more bearable for Till. His head is a mess but it doesn’t make him forget about the other man’s needs and feelings. He’s just trying his best to show him how grateful he is, even though it’s kind of hilarious and embarrassing for someone from the outside. Luckily, there’s no one from the outside in the house with them. 

Christoph needs to find out what’s been troubling Till so heavily lately. If he doesn’t want to tell him just like that, then he has to find another way. And he knows one. 

As soon as Till trusts him enough to leave him at home alone, he goes for a walk and visits a grocery store. He buys vodka and _some_ bottles of beer too, he believes that after drinking Till will talk to him about his concerns. He hopes that he’ll skip the part with “You don’t need my problems” or similar bullshit and will get straight to the point. That sounds like a plan.

He decides to execute it as soon as he can, so he’s already waiting for Till to come back from his work. He’s smoking on the porch, as if nothing extraordinary was going to happen. He finally sees Till but when he climbs the stairs and passes him, he doesn’t even say a word. He enters the house as Christoph huffs and throws his cigarette away. He follows him inside and notices that he’s already sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. Christoph sighs heavily, he knows it won’t be easy, so he offers Till beer or something stronger straight away. He explains that he bought alcohol for his own money and that this time it isn’t crap. Till’s almost not interested but agrees to drink basically anything that Christoph has. And Christoph doesn’t want to waste time, so he brings vodka on the coffee table along with two shot glasses. He pours the transparent liquid into them and when he puts the bottle back, Till has already picked the glass up and is ready to empty it even now. With a bored look he waits for Christoph to do the same and after a while the first shot is drunk, both men tilting their heads to swallow the throat-burning liquid as fast as they can. They don’t drink anything sweet afterwards, they prefer it bitter and acrid. Christoph doesn’t hesitate and gets the next shots ready, yet he knows he has to be careful not to get Till and himself too drunk too soon, he needs some information after all, he wants to help too. 

Three glasses have already been drunk and they’re both a bit more relaxed now. Till’s not so tensed anymore and he doesn’t seem to be so uninterested in what’s going on around him. Christoph thought it’d make Till open up but there aren’t any visible results like this. It might mean that he’ll have to drag it out of him but this will be certainly more awkward than it has to be. 

“What’s eating you?” He asks simply. 

“A lot, honestly,” Till sighs. “It’s not your problem, though.”

“No, no, no, don’t even start with this bullshit. Just tell me. Come on.”

“You don’t need…”

“Apparently, I do.”

There goes an annoyed “fine” and a heavy roll of Till’s eyes but eventually he starts to talk about the things that have been troubling him recently. He tries to make a decision about Christoph’s request, he explains to him how hard it is to even consider something like that again, his speech is a mess, full of long and silent pauses, he’s so not used to telling others about his thoughts and feelings. It’s not his thing to be open about this but that damn alcohol makes that wall break in a few places. Still, Christoph’s aware that it’s not the complete truth, that there’s more in store waiting to be revealed, so he pours more vodka into the glasses, listening to Till’s words carefully. He’s processing it all at the same time, he’s already thinking about how he can take revenge on his father if not just kill him. And then comes the topic of Zven. 

“That boy is crazy, you won’t believe what he asked me for.”

“Shoot.”

“He wanted me to get rid of his boss, this is pure madness. I was there to fuck him not get involved in shit like that!”

Just when Till continues his rambling, waving his hands in the air, Christoph gets an idea. It’s a wild idea but it might work out very well if everything goes as planned, even though there’s no plan yet. This isn’t important to Christoph now, the idea counts. He considers the chances of success quickly, completely ignoring his friend’s now constant talking, and he comes to the conclusion that it’s worth giving it a go. 

The boat comes in when Till finally stops his babbling for a moment. 

“Maybe that Zven boy can help us out,” Christoph suggests a bit mysteriously.

“And what do you mean now?”

“Look, he wants a man dead and I want a man dead. We both want your help because… I don’t know his reasons yet but at least I know you committed a murder some time ago. And you aren’t sure whether you should help us or not, but what if we managed to get Zven involved too? We could help him and he could help us… And then, maybe we could stay like that, in such a group like a gang or something…”

“Haven’t you watched too many movies by any chance?” Till chuckles. “Neither of us knows him, we can’t trust him.”

“You know him and he trusted you enough to tell you about his problems.”

“We only fucked and even this is over now.”

There’s a strange chill running through their bodies as Till says these words. A moment of silence visits them, they don’t know what exactly has just happened but it has. When Christoph can’t really find a good reason for that (because he hasn’t been thinking about it over and over as Till has), Till seems to know it too well. Despite the alcohol in his blood, he is sure about what is going on now, what is going on between them. His vision spins as the realisation mixed with vodka hits him, yet he manages to compose himself before Christoph can notice anything suspicious. 

In order to get himself out of that tricky situation, he decides to leave for a quick smoke, thinking that it isn’t suspicious at all. His drunken state of mind didn’t consider this aspect. He also hoped that a break for a cigarette would help him sort his feelings and the whole Christoph’s idea out but apparently, it isn’t helping at all. There’s a mess in his head and he doesn’t like that. 

He comes back inside, scratching his neck and then he flops down onto the couch again, right next to Christoph. He rests his head against the backrest as Christoph starts to talk again. He keeps boasting about his “plan” and how it could work, he’s basically telling him about every idea that comes to his mind. He’s very consumed by this but soon enough, the incoming ideas seem to be fading away slowly. He starts to talk in a way calmer manner and he relaxes in his seat, gaze fixed on the almost empty bottle of vodka. Only when he sighs heavily as he has no more words to say does Till lift up his head to glance at Christoph. A quick glance turns into a longer look, a gaze. What must be going on in that head of his, Till thinks. Again, his eyes land on Christoph’s most prominent features, on his now vacant, cold and blue eyes, on his sharp cheekbones and the general perfect profile this man has. Oh how mistaken Till was when he thought that Zven was an ideal. Of course, Zven is young and handsome but in comparison to Christoph… 

They’re both quiet now, either of them is staring at something. In one case it’s a vodka bottle, in the other – a man’s face. When Christoph comes back to earth for a moment, he does realise he’s being looked at, he can feel Till’s ocean-like eyes on him. Curious, he turns around to face him. When Till sees that, he knows it’s now or never. If he wants to live in peace with himself, he has to do that, he has to use that courage of his. He has to give it a go. 

He swallows hard as Christoph’s still watching him carefully, a tiny smile dancing on his lips. Till isn’t sure how he should start that but he has to do _something_ finally if he wants to rest from those boiling emotions. Just when he’s ready to do that _something_ , Christoph shrugs and is about to get up but Till grabs his hand, turning his attention back to him. He isn’t considering it anymore, he just pulls Christoph closer and plants a now proper and confident kiss on his lips. Christoph’s taken aback, obviously, but just like on that night, he gives in and hopes that this time it’ll last longer. He’s not wrong. Till lets go of Christoph’s hand and he cups his face with his huge hands, occasionally rubbing his soft and pale skin with his thumbs. Both of them are feeling dizzy but this time it’s pleasant and welcome, as if they were waiting for this feeling. Yet, this is quite new to Christoph that there’s some unease creeping onto him too, there’s tension but he tries to get rid of is as hard as he can. He’s fighting with those bad thoughts and at the same time, one of Till’s hands lands on his neck. His skin is so rough in comparison to Christoph’s one but it’s not unpleasant, it actually sends a couple of nice chills down his spine. He whimpers at the feeling quietly, which makes Till pull away but only a little bit. Till examines Christoph’s face, he looks as if he wasn’t exactly here, as if he was in a daze. 

“Christoph?” He calls softly. 

“Sorry, I ruined it, right…?” Christoph mumbles silently. 

“No, you didn’t. I thought I did something wrong.”

“Of course not, I’m just… I’m not used to being shown feelings to… It’s kind of… new.” He shivers as he says that, he doesn’t know why. There’s still that nasty and yet unexplained thought at the back of his mind that just makes it more difficult for him to take something nice from the situation he’s in now.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No…” he whispers almost inaudibly, shaking his head slightly.

Their lips meet again and they close their eyes to take as much bliss and peace from this moment as they can. Oh how Till enjoys the fact that Christoph is so calm while he’s so near, while he’s kissing him and holding him close, finally, the boy can rest from his constantly working mind full of wild and not necessarily pleasant ideas. He soon realises that he’s lying on the couch, just under Till. His kisses are still gentle but his hands are no longer touching Christoph’s soft skin. This doesn’t last long though, they soon land under Christoph’s shirt, which makes him gasp sharply and turn his head, breaking the developing meeting of their lips. He mutters a very quiet and unsure “don’t stop”, he doesn’t know how adorable this soft tone of his voice is. Till nods and grabs his skinny waist with his warm hands while attaching his lips to Christoph’s sharp jawline. He kisses it up to Christoph’s ear, then he nibbles on it, making him exhale shakily. Not that he doesn’t like it himself, because he does so a lot. What he cherishes the most is the fact that Christoph trusts him enough to let him be so close to him, to let him kiss and touch him, even though Till sees that it’s not that easy for Christoph. That’s why he doesn’t rush, he wants Christoph to relax more, he wants to get rid of any inhibitions that are in his head right now.

Christoph dares to glance back at Till, his cold blue eyes glistening in the lamp’s light. He lifts up his hand bashfully, so that he can lay it on Till’s cheek and make their looks meet. It doesn’t last too long though, Christoph remembers that Till doesn’t like when someone’s staring at him, so he quickly fixes his eyes on the man’s lips. Without too much thinking, Christoph plants a shy peck on them and retreats again. This causes Till to smile softly and then kiss this sheepish boy once more, with more passion than before. He nibbles on Christoph’s lower lip as he squeezes his waist, so that the man underneath him exhales shakily and trembles in his warm hands. Till finds it cute and exciting at the same time, he huffs as he roams his hands all over Christoph’s stomach. They both stay in their kiss, Till deepens it slowly, he doesn’t want Christoph to feel uncomfortable. Their current pace is perfect for him. 

Christoph swears under his breath as Till’s hands are no longer in contact with his skin, and he breaks the kiss again to see what is going on. He glances down to see that Till’s started to unbutton his shirt, which makes him look up immediately and search for something in those ocean-like eyes. Till just gazes back into that cold blue void, his hands working below in a slow manner, again. Christoph exhales in order to calm himself down and closes his eyes, he wants to enjoy it all more. Till takes advantage of it and kisses his lips quickly, then goes down to his neck to lick it and bite it occasionally. In the meantime, he’s just done with all the buttons and he takes the shirt off of Christoph carefully. He sits up for a while to look down at him, at this clearly shy but still willing boy, his cheeks going bright red at the moment. Till leans down to whisper a tender but hot “you’re such a pretty boy, Christoph” to his ear, making him gasp sharply and squirm a bit. Till smiles to himself at the other man’s reaction, he adores it. His hands are holding Christoph’s sides again, he wants to keep him still and close to himself when he attaches his lips to Christoph’s neck once more. He nibbles on it as he goes lower, straight to Christoph’s visible collarbones to plant some kisses on them too. Christoph inhales sharply, the sensations shoot a wave of warmth to his lower stomach. It’s a bit overwhelming already and Till isn’t planning to stop now. 

A shaky and unexpected gasp leaves Christoph’s mouth as he feels Till’s warm and wet lips playing with one of his nipples. He almost can’t bear the pleasure it brings, he even clenches his jaw to prevent any other questionable sounds from leaving his lungs. He doesn’t manage to last long though, a moan escapes his lips when Till switches the side. Christoph covers his mouth with his hand immediately, yet he can’t help that heat building between his legs, making his jeans get tighter.

He digs his heels into the couch when Till reaches his stomach and soft abs. He huffs and shivers as he feels Till’s hot breath on his skin, as his hands are now holding him by his hips. He keeps him pinned when he kisses and licks his belly, making him grunt and tremble heavily, bite his forearm to muffle his own noises and squeeze his eyes shut. It’s extremely exciting for Till too, yet this time he wants to focus on Christoph’s pleasure only, he’ll cope with his own later. Still, he’s quite surprised that he actually can be so patient, since he’d gladly just fuck Christoph here and now. 

Till pulls Christoph’s jeans a bit lower to see his protruding hip bones and next bite them slightly. Christoph’s got his mouth still covered, so that his sinful moan can be barely heard. Till grins and does that again, so that Christoph moves under him, trying to get away but to no use. What’s more, the heat in his lower belly is getting a lot stronger and even burning. 

“Christoph?” Till purrs from somewhere near his stomach, making him gulp.

“Yes?” He asks shakily. 

“Have you ever…”

“Yes, but only with girls. The last time was long ago,” he admits silently.

“So you’ve never been with a man,” Till says and lifts his head up.

“No,” Christoph breathes and dares to glance down at him.

“Are you ashamed?”

“I… I don’t think so…” He shakes his head.

“Even if you are, relax. You’ll like it.”

Christoph nods shyly and keeps observing Till’s moves. He breaks the eye contact with him and kisses his soft stomach while he starts to unbuckle Christoph’s belt. Christoph swallows hard just as he feels Till’s hands in that area, he’s thrilled but also a bit scared, there’s still the tiniest bit of insecurity lurking in his mind. Christoph huffs and lies his head down as Till’s done with his belt and also unzipped his jeans very quickly. He pulls them down completely, along with Christoph’s underwear, which makes him suck in a sharp breath and shiver as some cool air hits his skin. He blushes even harder, he’s completely naked and lying under another man. Driven by lust and willingness to give in to him in every possible way. He squirms again as he can clearly feel Till’s eyes all over him but what he’s doing is just admiring. He can’t take how beautiful every inch of Christoph is. 

Before Till gets to his work, he takes off his shirt and cracks his back. Christoph uses this moment to look at this man’s god-like body, which is a huge turn on by itself and he does feel it down there. He whimpers as Till leans down to kiss him on his lips and grab Christoph’s hard dick into his hand. He gasps as he feels that, an incredibly cute and innocent sound. Till begins to move his hand up and down, nibbling on Christoph’s lower lip, making him breathe shakily almost with every stroke. Christoph whimpers because of Till’s perfect hold and pace, this already feels so good that it’s almost overwhelming. A sudden moan leaves Christoph’s lungs and gets straight into Till’s mouth, sending a shiver down his spine. 

It got better within a couple of more minutes, Christoph’s breath is unsteady, his eyes are closed tightly, he’s gasping for air while his muscles keep flexing. He’s all sweaty, his cheeks flushed a deep red, he can’t get over all those feelings, the pleasure, the embarrassment, the happiness, the vulnerability… He simply gives in to them and whatever Till has yet to offer. And oh does he have something more for him. Christoph doesn’t even notice when Till goes lower, the sudden sensation of his warm and wet lips around Christoph’s member manages to make him yell and agree with what is happening. Christoph covers his mouth with his forearm once more, he has to muffle those sinful sounds that want to escape so badly. He throws his head back as Till swirls his tongue around him, tasting the boy’s precum. He growls, sending shivers down Christoph’s spine. And he doesn’t stop even for a second, he keeps him in his mouth, at first teasing him a bit just to see this pretty boy tremble underneath him. He finally starts properly sucking him, making Christoph yell and grab him by his hair forcefully. By now, it doesn’t take much to bring him close to the edge, he’s only trying to control himself, so that he won’t come straight in Till’s mouth. Christoph lasts a few moments longer but when he can do so no more, he just gasps a weak, “I-I can’t hold it...”, and he gets a warm and approving glance from the other man. He closes his eyes, Christoph’s dick still buried deep between his lips. Just then Christoph cums in Till’s mouth, an unholy and loud moan escapes his lungs, his body flexes as those sparks of pure pleasure rush through him, reaching every part of his existence. He arches his back and tugs on Till’s hair so hard, that it starts hurting. He groans lowly but doesn’t pull away, he wants to swallow everything and so he does. 

He finally lets his boy go and he raises his head to look at that perfect face, all tired, flushed and sweaty. He licks his wet lips, cleaning them from any remainders of what just happened. Christoph glances down at him, his eyes shining and glassy a bit, yet there’s a tiny smile resting on his lips. Till crawls on top of him and then looks into those intense and dreamy blue eyes. He strokes his red cheeks and plants the softest kiss on his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm back! I missed this story so much but I also had other important things to take care of, which were mainly my final exams. I hope you'll understand it and I am also sorry that I didn't inform you that there'd be such a long break in posting the chapters of this story. Anyways, I hope you like this chapter, there will surely be more! 
> 
> (I'm also planning to start posting a new story here soon ^^)


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter XVII

The emotions that that unforgettable evening evoked have stayed with Christoph for much longer than he thought they would. And they are only positive feelings, a nice warmth that truly embraced him and his heart on that night. Something has finally managed to make him smile, to make him feel happy at least for a moment. Or more than one, for that matter. The night finally let him rest, he either didn’t have nightmares or he just didn’t remember them because they couldn’t wake him up from his deep slumber. A slumber secured by Till’s arms wrapped around Christoph’s slim body, holding him close and making him feel safe, even from the nightmares. At last. 

There comes another case that’s yet to be solved – making Christoph’s plan come true. Till has plenty of doubts about it but in the end, he lets Christoph try this whole thing out. He still can basically bet that nothing will come out of this but what else can he say when Christoph keeps telling him to really consider the whole plan? He gives him only one condition – Christoph has to go to Zven and sell the idea to him himself, without Till’s help. Obviously, Christoph agrees, he’s very hyped when he even only mentions about this, he truly believes that all three of them will make it. He’s also heard more about Zven from Till and what he knows is that this boy’s life is equally fucked up to his and that such strays like them should stick together to survive in this world. With every information about Zven that he receives, he becomes more and more certain that Zven will go for it. He, just like Christoph, has nothing to lose after all. He has to try and he’s almost sure that if Zven decides to join him, Till will help them both. Because if he weren’t considering it at all, he would tell Christoph about it, right?

  
Christoph thinks that the next day is a perfect day to go to that whorehouse and find out if his idea has any chances to be a success. He gets clear instructions about how to get there and the best possible description of Zven. Just when he’s about to leave, he stops his hand from opening the front door. The moment of hesitation has come. He takes a few deep breaths and gets a comforting rub on his back, obviously from Till. Even though Till doubts that the whole idea will work out, he still supports Christoph in whatever he wants to do about it. After all, it was him who gave him the hint of getting rid of his own father. The only person whom Till can blame is himself. 

“You don’t have to go there,” Till says as he notices that all of Christoph’s determination seems to have evaporated.

“I have to. I want to. For myself and my mother,” he replies. “I can’t give up, he has to finally get what he deserves.”

“Remember what I said, this isn’t a robbery or drug dealing. You want to kill two people by now.”

“I know, okay? I know, for fuck’s sake…” Christoph huffs.

Christoph exhales deeply and looks at Till, whose hand is still between his shoulder blades. He knows that the other man is supporting him and this makes him a bit more confident in this whole crazy idea. He shrugs and braces himself mentally. He can go now. Till’s hand leaves his back as he opens the door and leaves the house. The sky is covered in grey clouds but it doesn’t look as if it was going to rain. Maybe it’s a sign that Christoph’s plan can really be a success? Well, he’ll know when he gets to talk to Zven. He hopes he’ll find him at the place Till told him directions to. He’s walking quite quickly, yet he’s careful not to mistake the road. He’s determined to do the whole thing today, to get a clear answer from Zven, to get to know if he still wants to get rid of a man who’s been ruining his life. To him, it’s now or never. 

After a nice walk, he finally gets to the more decayed part of the city, where the buildings are ruined or in a bad state. Where every place and shop looks cheap and kitschy. Where the people are disgusting and there are hookers around each corner. “A perfect place for scum like my father,” Christoph thinks. He only hopes that his father isn’t at that point of rotting yet, he wouldn’t like to meet him here at any cost. He has a more important thing to do now.   
And yes, he knows that he might as well not meet Zven today here at all. He knows it but doesn’t want to take it into consideration, he’s only focused on the thought that the boy will be here no matter what. The plan just has to work.

He starts approaching a building that aligns Till’s description. It must be here then. He walks a bit faster and soon he’s there, a few steps away from the building. It does look like a whorehouse, one can’t say it’s something else. There’s a feeling of stress creeping up his spine but he has to ignore it, his idea counts, not some temporary feeling, which is completely invalid now. He clenches his fists and goes closer, maybe he’ll find that Zven boy outside? He obviously spots few women, who are wearing, well, slutty clothes and equally slutty make-up. But they aren’t the man he’s looking for.

He checks the other side of the building and there he notices a man. A young man. Shorter than him and Till. Handsome. Nicely toned. Christoph looks him up and down and he’s sure that this is Zven.

Richard spots him too but he soon turns his attention back to his cigarette. He guesses he’s just simply another man who’s looking for a female hooker, since Richard isn’t supposed to meet any men today. Then, he realises that the stranger might be yet another man who’d like to make an appointment exactly with him. Richard even checks the stranger out, he’s not looking bad, but he’s praying that he won’t want to fuck him. It surely gets harder and harder to bear all of those male clients, and what if there was another new one, another one that was violent towards him too? Richard is almost certain that he just wouldn’t stand it. 

Poor boy gulps when he sees the stranger approach him, he has the urge to drop his cigarette and just hide inside the building. Yet, his pride doesn’t let him do that and he waits patiently until the man stops in front of him. He looks at him with wary eyes, what will he hear from the stranger?

“You’re Zven, right?” Christoph starts.

“Yes. If you want to make an appointment with me, you have to do it inside, and not with me.” He thinks he ended the conversation with this. Oh how wrong is he.

“I’m not here for that.”  
  
Richard looks at him with visible confusion.

“I’m Till’s friend. Christoph,” he introduces himself.

“Zven but you already seem to know that.” The two men shake hands. “So, Christoph, what brings you here?”

“Business. Quite dirty one.” He looks around to check if there aren’t any people around them. Clear. “Till told me what plans you have for your boss.”

Richard clears his throat, drops down his cigarette and puts it off under his boot. 

“Why would I believe you?” He asks suspiciously.

“Because, as I said, I’m Till’s friend. It should be enough for you now. I can as well prove it but this place doesn’t seem too good for such matters.”

“Let’s say I believe you _for now_. But what do you and my _plans_ have in common, huh?” 

“I want to,” he starts to speak more quietly, “get rid of someone too. And since Till isn’t sure whether he should help you or me, I thought all three of us could help each other.”

Reasonable, Richard has to admit that. Yet, there are so many _what ifs_ in his head now, he knows he won’t give any clear or desired answer to Christoph just yet. 

“It’d be easier for me to trust all of your intentions if Till were here. Why hasn’t he come?” 

“He said that it was all my idea and that I was the one who should break the news to you.”

“Fair enough. I’d rather we met again though, on some neutral ground. Your idea, offer, whatever you want to call it, seems… tempting. I’ll consider it but if you don’t bring Till next time, I won’t help you.”

“Deal,” Christoph says emotionlessly. 

They make an agreement that they’re going to meet on a meadow, the one on which Till confessed his secret to Christoph, since it’s placed in a quite specific spot in the city. Late afternoon seems like the perfect time too. After that, either of them goes into his own direction. Richard gets back into the building when Christoph leaves off to the normal part of the city. The first feeling he gets is that he didn’t know it would go so… fast. Well, Zven still hasn’t really agreed but the first move has been made. He can just hope that the meeting next day will go as he planned – Zven will agree to his plan.

Christoph decides to leave this filthy part of the city as soon as he can, he doesn’t want to put himself in some danger or trouble. And there are a lot of suspiciously looking people here, even though it’s the middle of the day. He gulps at the thought that he might’ve as well ended here, begging for money or being a hooker just like Zven. Who knows what would’ve happened if he had stayed with his father for a while more? He would’ve had to make money, his father would’ve forced him to buy him alcohol and god knows what else. Christoph flinches and shrugs these thoughts off, he’s safe and sound with Till, this is the only thing that counts. 

He goes for a walk to a park to cool down a bit, all the things he’s planning to do with Till and Zven do cause a lot of emotions. What’s more, he starts to feel the urge to take his revenge more often, it’s becoming clearer and clearer to him, it almost excites him. He never thought he’d feel like this towards his father, he’s never expected his life to go this way, this is something he wasn’t ready for. He’s getting used to it quite quickly, though, somewhere deep inside he knows that this might bring him relief and silence he wants so badly. 

He goes back home, an empty home to be exact. He finds a note from Till that says that he’s working and will be back in the evening. Christoph does appreciate the notes his _friend_ has been leaving for him now, his mind is at peace then, he knows that Till is just up to something useful, nothing dangerous. 

  
As soon as Till returns, Christoph starts boasting about his meeting with Zven, about how filthy that part of the city is and how he can’t understand how Till would go there to get laid. Totally not something one would be pleased to hear after a work day but what can he do? He’s rather focusing on the fact that Christoph is kind of thrilled by it all. 

“It was simply disgusting,” Christoph comments.

“You’re jealous,” Till chuckles, he knows what Christoph means by saying all this.

Christoph squints at him, trying to pretend that he absolutely hasn’t got this on his mind as hard as he can. And he’s blushing a bit too. He knows Till is right about him being jealous. 

“Well, I’m not going to go there again if it’s not necessary. You don’t have to be worried, Christoph.”

The other man huffs and rolls his eyes, even though he’s slightly amused too. 

“So, how was it? Tomorrow, late afternoon, meadow, right?”

“Right.” Christoph nods and thinks for a while. “Thanks,” he just says shortly. 

“What for? You did it all yourself, nothing to add.”

“Can you, for once, not complicate?” Christoph scratches his neck. 

Till shrugs. Silence falls upon them, this time quite pleasant and peaceful one. They’re just sitting on the couch, resting. Something that they both enjoy. And obviously, as the time passes, the night grows darker and the boys are too lazy to move themselves to bed, Christoph leans his head against Till’s shoulder and begins to fall asleep. Till smiles to himself but decides to finally stand up and get some sleep in the bedroom. He wakes Christoph up softly and, holding him by the hand, goes to the other room. After quick undressing, they flop down onto the bedsheets and as always now – cuddle up to each other. This seems to be the best solution for any nightmares Christoph could have at night. They happen, yes, but it’s not too often, and they both believe that it’s all because Till’s support and closeness. Christoph is genuinely thankful for that, at least he can take some rest from the noise that’s still present in his head. It isn’t as loud as before but it’s still there and it sometimes gets louder, especially when Christoph’s very confused or disoriented. 

  
*********

  
It’s almost evening when Richard finishes his work for today. Now, he can freely think about the whole talk with Christoph and the situation itself. It was quite extraordinary, yes, but it did send a spark of hope through his head. He can even say that he got quite excited and that the meeting almost made his day. He knows he has to be careful but the offer seems legit to him, why would Christoph lie about it all? He could’ve asked him about what he knew about him and Till but at the mention of his ex-client’s name he understood that it couldn’t be a joke. 

He can’t go all alone there though, he doesn’t want to go there all alone. He’d like to trust Christoph but he can’t. And he’ll provide himself with company, he’ll simply ask his friend, who still owes him money. He’ll get a chance to pay him back. 

Richard decides to get it done today, so right after work, he goes to his friend’s place, it’s not far from his own home. He only hopes that Paul will agree but also knowing him, he won’t hesitate when he hears that he won’t have to give Richard his money back. And soon enough, he’s at his friend’s door, hoping that he’ll be at home because, considering his profession, his work schedule is quite volatile and flexible. He can as well be dealing drugs at some corner. In order to find out, Richard knocks on the door and waits at the stoop. He looks around as there’s no answer at first but then there is some shuffle heard from inside. Then, the door opens and Richard sees his friend, who’s a bit surprised that Richard is here at such a late hour. Nevertheless, he invites his friend inside and leads his to the living room, which is a bit messy. It always looks like this, Richard is used to that. They both take a seat on a couch and Richard wants to get straight to the point. 

“I know I owe you money, I will give it back but I need a day or two more,” Paul starts quickly.

“I actually want to offer you another way to pay me back.”

“I’m in.”

“You don’t even know what it’s going to be.” Richard lifts his brow.

“I don’t care, I won’t have to worry about the money I have to give you back, that’s what counts to me. You know that it’s not easy with money in my case. It comes and goes.”

“Then listen carefully…”

Richard starts the whole story about the meeting with Christoph today, with the important aspect which is the fact that Christoph is allegedly Till’s friend. This is what makes Richard think that the whole deal is legit, that no one is trying to trick him.

“So you still want to get rid of your boss…” Paul murmurs.

“I have no other choice, the debt is still not paid and I’ll die or go nuts before that happens. I know I won’t be able to do this, to work like this, for too long. It’s already a lot to take…” Richard sighs.

Paul pats his back and offers him a warm smile. 

“But what do I have to do with all of this?” He asks then.

  
“You’ll go with me tomorrow.”

“What for?”

“Keep asking stupid questions and you’ll have to give me my money back,” Richard warns, quite amused. “You’ll go there with me because I don’t want to be alone there. I can’t fully trust him. And he’ll bring Till with him. We made a deal, I won’t help him unless he proves me that he’s friends with Till.”

“Richard, you smart slut!”

“Fuck off!” Richard smacks the back of Paul’s head but the other man only laughs lightly at that. “Are you going or not? I have to know that, it’s important for me.”

“I know, I know, and I will go. You’re my best friend, right? We gotta stick together.”

“Because you know you can borrow money from me?”

“No! Because there is some heavy stuff happening, man, you want to kill someone.”

“I do hope they’ll do the majority of work, I can gather some money and pay them if they want it. I just want that ugly old fuck to be removed from my life, I want to set free from this shit I’m in. Don’t you want to do so too?”

His friend just shrugs, Richard knows it’s better to cut this subject off. He still can’t predict if his own plan will work out, so why propose the same thing to someone else? It’s too soon for that.

The two boys spend a little while more together, either of them drinks a bottle of beer while talking about some less serious stuff. Richard clearly needed to unwind like this, even though his life is a big shithole now, his friend always manages to cheer him up at least a bit. And finally he isn’t spending another evening alone, in his own house, on the floor or the bathroom tiles. Finally, he isn’t feeling utter disgust towards himself, at last all the self-loathing thoughts go away. He realises, somewhere deep inside, that this is just for this evening, for a quarter or two more. But then again, he truly hopes that the whole plan will work out, that no one is trying to trick him, that the meeting won’t turn out to be just a huge disappointment. He doesn’t see his life in the next few years if he doesn’t remove his boss from it. He’s been ruining Richard’s life since he was a child and so he knows that Christoph and Till will want to know why he wants his boss dead so badly. He knows he’ll have no other choice but to tell them. He’s a bit ashamed but on the other hand, all of them are kind of strays, just trying to survive in this cold world. Also, Christoph will probably tell him who his problem is, so it’ll be fair only if Richard does the same. 

It’s getting really late, so Richard decides to head back home, even though Paul tells him that he can stay overnight. His friend refuses, he wants to be alone with his thoughts before the meeting. A part of him still can’t believe that it might actually happen, he thought he’d never escape the life he’s living now and what? The chance to set free is basically standing at his doorstep, hopefully, it will be true and his lousy life will be put to an end, so that a new one will start. He knows the road to that might be hard and long but it’s surely worth it. The lack of debt, lack of fear and both physical and mental misery are worth every kind of effort. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the switches in Richard's name are done on purpose.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter XVIII

  
“You never really told me why you became the… you know it yourself, and the whole background story of yours is still a mystery to me. Maybe you should tell it to me before you tell it to someone you don’t even know. We’re friends and I think it’s high time you shared that with me.” Paul states as he and Richard are having a quite peaceful walk to the meadow. 

“I guess you’re right, I’ve got past this shit anyway.” Richard shrugs. “When I was a kid, my mum didn’t have too much money. She had to, she wanted to pay all rents and stuff, so that I could be safe. But she wasn’t able to do so while having a normal, or rather poor job, so she borrowed money from my boss. She was supposed to give it back but she did need… some money for herself and for me. We had to survive and soon the debt she had was growing. So, instead of paying all the money back, my boss offered her a job, the thing that I do. The filthiest shit ever. But she had no choice, I think there were some threats towards her already. She had to protect me. She became a hooker. I was little, I didn’t understand, she didn’t talk about it… Until I grew older. Then, I started to realise what was happening. She would try to hide it but to no use. And, unluckily, her and now my boss got interested in me. A pretty, young and strong boy. You can imagine what he proposed to her. She refused but I somehow got to know about the whole thing and I just had to help her pay the debt. I became a hooker too, without her knowledge, at first. But when she found out about it, she didn’t even comment on it, she kind of accepted it as it was. I once heard her talk to the boss, she demanded that he’d never let any man lay his hands on me. He promised her he wouldn’t do that. As you know, he broke the promise, and it makes me hate him even more.”

“What happened to your mother?”

“She died. Of some venereal disease.”

“And what about your father? Where was he when you and she were in all that mess?”

“Who knows? He’d never been there. I’d never even cared. She was all I cared for and all I ever loved.”

  
*********

  
“What’s up with you? You seem kind of off,” Christoph asks as they’re heading to the meadow.

“I’ve been wondering.”

“Wondering about…?”

“Your whole big plan. I’m curious if it’ll work out or not.”

“And what do you think? Will it?”

“I don’t know.” Till shrugs.

A very idle answer, too idle for Christoph’s liking. He was expecting something more, some belief and words like “it will surely go well.” He huffs, it feels weird to him that Till is so… hesitant? about it all now. He’s sensing some kind of confusion in Till, he doesn’t like it. His friend-lover can’t back off now, can he? It was him who started it and if he hadn’t wanted it to develop, he would’ve stopped it himself. He would’ve stopped Christoph from this idea, from helping Zven and so on. Christoph feels a sudden wave of anxiety and a yell rips across his brain. He tries to shrug it off though, he has to be strong and confident now. But has he got all the confidence he needs now?

There’s indeed confusion on Till’s side. He’s not showing it too much, he doesn’t want to discourage Christoph, he’s just going with the flow now. Nevertheless, there is a regret deep inside him, a regret about having told Christoph about his crime, the darkest secret of his. A regret about having persuaded Christoph to get rid of his own father. It wasn’t a good idea or maybe it was, Till hadn’t really thought it over before. He simply said too much too soon. There seems to be no turning back now, how could he do that? After all Christoph’s effort? After having raised hope in both Christoph and Zven? Could he let them down that much? Would he bear it if Christoph left because of that? The answer to that is obvious. And all of this hope makes Christoph strangely happy and excited. He’s clearly thrilled but there’s some madness to it. There is that slightly wicked smile that flashes across his face from time to time. Till only hopes it’s temporary and won’t go too far. Christoph going crazy is the last thing Till would want. Poor boy has tried to commit suicide twice, he doesn’t need any more mental problems. There’s still a heavy burden on his mind and soul anyway. He doesn’t need anything more, Till won’t let that happen.

They arrive at the meadow first. Luckily, it’s only cloudy and not raining. The ground’s dry, the wind is quite dry too, not cold though. What they can do is wait. In quite an awkward silence, yet not exactly too awkward. They both are just in their own worlds and they sit down on the grass, so that no one will think that they’re some kind of lunatics. They look around every once in a while to check if someone’s coming to them or not. For a good quarter or so, there’s no one there. Christoph starts getting nervous about it, he worries that Zven won’t come and that he’s just made a fool out of himself once again. He huffs and clenches his jaw at these thoughts, both concerning and annoying. He searches for Zven every five seconds, even Till tells him to calm down and just keep waiting. Christoph has had enough of waiting though, he has to know _everything_ now, he can’t stand this uncertainty. He rips blades of grass off the ground around him. Till stops him from doing that after a while, he simply holds one of Christoph’s hands and just stays like that. Poor boy is still tensed but a tiny bit less than a minute ago.

His heart skips a beat when he notices a figure… two figures… _two_. He squints, maybe it’s not Zven. It’s him. It’s him and someone else, someone whom Christoph doesn’t know nor has he ever seen before. He feels dizziness suddenly, his head spins, it’s good he’s still sitting. Not for long though, he basically shoots up from the ground and Till follows him, surprised by Christoph’s rapid move. He doesn’t even need to ask about what is going on, he sees what Christoph’s seeing too. And he can tell by his expression that he’s not particularly contented with that. He clenches his jaw heavily, making Till flinch at the sight. But they both stand still and wait for the two men to approach them.

Christoph is pissed off, this wasn’t a part of the deal he made with Zven but he decides to go on with it, at least at the beginning. He can’t just get all mad at them, he doesn’t want them to run away after all, he has to make his plan work out. He remains calm, or rather emotionless on the outside, he can’t show any inconvenient feelings he might be having now. He just needs to make it to the end, to keep it more or less professional. He and Till greet the two men and let the stranger introduce himself and give them the reason why he’s arrived at this meeting too. 

“Zven simply didn’t want to come alone, he needed some emotional support,” Paul explains, chuckling slightly.

“Let’s get one thing clear, I’m Richard. Zven is my middle name, I use it _only_ at work. And since I am not working now, I don’t even want to hear that.”

The boys nod, they understand his causes. And now they can talk business. They agree that both Christoph and Richard want to get a man killed, the father and the boss. It will only be fair if they tell each other why they want those people dead, even if it’s only a bit of the whole story. 

“Hell on earth. Beat me until he drew blood and I passed out. Abused me. Destroyed my childhood. Ruined my life. Ruined… me,” Christoph huffs with utter contempt towards his father. The feelings and memories come like a flood, a rush and urgency in his head, a quick chaos, dizziness, jaw clenching and back to the reality. He can’t break now. It’s not the time. “Your turn.”

“My mother was a hooker to make a living for herself and for me. She fell into a debt. My boss was giving her money. She passed away when I was in that profession already. The debt is on me now. I can’t stand being a hooker anymore. Someone will kill me or I will do it myself if I don’t stop it soon.” Richard says coldly, he has to be decisive and strong. It’s just the past. He needs to take care of present and future now. And it’s mostly between him and Christoph at the moment, it’s them who want certain men dead after all. They have to talk about the details and they agree that Christoph’s father will be the first to eradicate. It was Christoph’s idea to do this whole thing. And he promises to figure every inch of the plan out with Till too. He doesn’t notice but he gets quite an unimpressed look from him, maybe sceptical even. Yes, there’s more and more confusion and uncertainty growing in Till, he doesn’t know if he can and if he wants to help at this point. He doesn’t want to admit it to himself but, among other things, he isn’t sure if he can still plan a thing like that well. Those people, they aren’t someone whom he’s known his whole life, he doesn’t know anything too specific or specific enough about Christoph’s father or Richard’s boss. Oh, he shouldn’t have agreed to that so fast, he shouldn’t have said all those things then, on this very meadow… 

He’s lost in his own regrets as the others keep talking about the whole idea. The three of them (because Christoph sees something useful in Paul) decide to meet soon again, after Christoph’s done discussing the whole case with Till. They plan to meet at this spot again but instead of standing here and most likely getting cold and wet, they will go to Till’s place. Indeed, he’s so consumed by his own thoughts, that he doesn’t even hear them mention the meeting at his own home. That’s obviously convenient but what will Till say about it when he finds out? Well, they think he knows about all this, he’s just next to them, right? He must be aware of the whole plan slowly getting built… right? They don’t really care now, they’re so focused on working the logistics out. Christoph will probably be babbling about it for the rest of the day, Till will hear about the things for at least three times.

Only when the boys shake their hands goodbye does Till come back to earth. He shakes hands with Richard and Paul, just like Christoph, and then they all decide to head back to their houses. It’s started to get darker already and the most important aspects have been talked about, so it’s high time to cool down and consider the future events. Christoph was a bit sceptical about the meeting but now, when it’s over, he’s thrilled in that strange and slightly wicked way again. He can’t tell whether he’s happy or not, though. There is excitement, that’s for sure, but all the other feelings seem to be mixing with each other, so that there’s no way to make them out. 

His attention turns to Till, and he starts boasting about how he saw that the two other men are into his plan, that he knows that they want to join him and help each other. He’s sure that Richard must really want it, either way he would’ve been making excuses and would’ve left Christoph uncertain about his own decisions. Christoph’s is contented with the fact that the boy made everything clear, that he wasn’t making any problems or asking any stupid or unnecessary questions. He might as well learn some things about Christoph soon anyway, they’re going to “work” together after all. 

He finishes his babbling when they get back home. Then, he notices that Till has been quite silent all this time. He looks at him, all confused, he has no idea what is up, everything is going so well, why would Till be like this? 

“What’s happening? You’ve been acting weirdly all day, aren’t you happy that the plan has been working out so far?” Christoph just has to ask as he flops down onto the couch, he can’t keep it inside, curiosity is eating him alive.

“I-”

“I understand, you just have to absorb it all, there’s quite a lot of that, right?” He interrupts his friend. “Though I thought you tried to absorb it all when we were on that meadow, you were quiet, a bit weird of you in such a moment but I’m not judging you. I hope you heard we’d meet again and come here, such things, or details of these things, can’t be discussed when there can be other people around. Also, the weather is getting worse and worse, so…”

_Meet again and come here. Come here._

This surprises Till a lot. He doesn’t remember having been asked for that or having agreed to that. Did he really zone out this much? Maybe he should’ve focused on the whole conversation there more… 

“Excuse me? You invited two strangers to _my_ place? Without even letting me know about it?” Till lifts his brow.

“You were there, didn’t you hear as we were discussing that? Wake up,” Christoph chuckles.

“This is by no means funny,” Till huffs. 

“Why are you so grumpy? Or no, never mind, don’t answer.” Christoph shrugs it off and decides to go to the kitchen and maybe have something to eat. He gets stopped as he feels Till’s huge hand grabbing his shoulder and pulling him back. He turns around and tries to search his friend’s face but to no use. He can’t read anything from there. He furrows his brows, what does Till want from him now?

“How do you see it, Christoph?”

“See what?”

“Don’t act like you’re stupid.”

“You’re just trying to complicate again. It’s all so simple, can’t you see that? We’ll all talk about any weaknesses or habits our victims have, so that we’ll know how to use them and end our misery and fear once and for all.”

“What’s my role in all of that, in your opinion?”

“You’ll help us plan it and you’ll do it, in the end.”

“Do what?”

“You’ll kill them.”

Till snorts right into his face. Christoph is clearly bewildered by that, confusion all over his face. 

“And what does that mean? Why are you laughing like that?” He asks nervously, he needs answers. 

“I won’t do that.”

“You promised…”

“I promised to help. I didn’t say how I would do that.”

“Are you backing off?!”

“I’m not. Just don’t think I’ll be the one who’ll do the dirty job for you two, you want those men dead, it’s your revenge.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! So what are you going to do? Sit and watch us do… I don’t even know what!”

“You’ve been handling it all quite well by now, you can go on with that, without me interfering.”

“Tell me what you’re going to do!” Christoph demands almost desperately.

“You’ll find out when I do that, I don’t want to make any specific promises.”

“Because you won’t do anything, will you?”

“I would never let you down like that, how could you even think about it this way?”

“Because you’ve been lying to me all this time!” Christoph barks and rushes straight to the kitchen.

Till is surely taken aback by the boy’s outburst, even though he kind of expected him to act this way. He doesn’t understand what Till means, obviously. He doesn’t give Till time to explain it properly, he wants things rapid and clear while it’s impossible to make some things clear in one short sentence. And Christoph interrupts him anyway.

Till follows him after a while just to see him taking a shot of vodka. He decides to stop his friend immediately, tearing the little glass and the bottle away from his hands. As one could foresee, there are yells and swears, and name calling. Till is patient, yes, but even his patience has some limits. He’s the owner of the house, he’s in charge here, Christoph is his guest and he should respect him especially when he wants Till to help him murder people. He’s had enough with another set of “you fucker”. This has made him mad, he understands that Christoph is angry too but he should be cut down to size now. A yell “calm the fuck down!” rips out from Till’s lungs with an enormous power, fuelled by his own anger, that’s showing in his glistening ocean-like eyes. Christoph’s visibly shocked but he tries not to lose his stance, though it’s quite difficult when the other man grabs his shoulders and pushes him against a wall. Christoph’s back surely hurts at the impact but he doesn’t care about it now, he gets ready to fight back instead. But this is not something Till would want to do, he absolutely doesn’t want to hurt him more than necessary, maybe this kind of shock will help to cool him down. His behaviour surely got out of hand now and Till wants his poor boy back to normal, he prefers his wicked smile to this shit that’s happening at the moment. He stands just in front of the taller man, they’re both almost snarling at each other like enraged dogs with rabies. 

“Listen here, pretty boy…” Till starts but the obvious thing happens.

“Or what? You’ll kick me out of here? No, you won’t, you haven’t got guts to do this,” Christoph cuts him off. 

“Don’t be so fucking sure about that.”

“Don’t you remember the last time you wanted to do that? Let me remind you – you failed miserably. Do it like a man now. Stop fucking around, Till.”

“This is not a solution, you…”

“You what? Come on, say it. Who am I? A fool? A stupid fuck? A weak and lost boy?”

“No, you’re not, you’re just a stubborn bastard.”

“That’s all you got there, old man?”

“Just let it go already!”

“OR WHAT?!”

The jokes and so-called fucking around aside now. Till has really had enough. In one quick move, he wraps his huge hand around Christoph’s throat and a shock wave of dizziness shoots through Christoph’s head. He hardly keeps his balance and gets what’s going on now, there’s terror mixed with utter confusion and disappointment crawling all over him. He goes silent immediately and doesn’t even manage to do anything before he gets dragged all the way to the table. Then he finds a moment to try to defend himself but to no use – Till is obviously stronger than him. He doesn’t let him turn around and fight back, he just grabs him and shoves him down, bending him over the table. Oh no, Christoph won’t get up, Till places his big hand between his shoulder blades, keeping him pinned down. Poor boy keeps wiggling and yelling some incomprehensible things, only some “let me go” or “what the fuck are you doing?” can be made out. The real horror hits him when he hears Till’s belt being unbuckled, an enormous fear rises in him immediately. It paralyses him, he stops squirming or screaming, he only swallows hard and feels tears gathering in his eyes. Is he…? Is Till really going to…? Can he really hurt him like that? Why? What for? Why has Christoph screwed it all up again? No, it can’t be happening, Till wouldn’t… would he? No, no, no, it’s impossible… 

Christoph just gives in to his fate.

  
*********

  
Richard walks Paul back to his place, his friend does deserve a huge thank you for what he’s done for him. Richard is very grateful, he wouldn’t have been so calm and decisive if it hadn’t been for Paul. He surely boosted his confidence and ego, so that it was easier to make deals mostly with Christoph. And it went much better than Richard had expected. He’s content with all the decisions that were made, with all the plans that were mentioned, with the feeling of some kind of trust among all four men. This isn’t any typical and easy case after all, it’s all about murdering two people, one doesn’t do that every day or as a hobby. This needs some preparations and planning, they’re lucky they have someone like Till, who has some experience in that field. Yet, Richard doesn’t know about Till’s concerns and doubts, he’s living in that blissful ignorance and he might or might not find out about his ex-lover’s hesitations.

Paul offers his friend a drink as they arrive at his house but Richard refuses politely. He doesn’t want to celebrate yet but he knows there will be time for that, when everything’s over. He goes back to his own place, thinking this whole situation over. Of course, there are dangers to that, he’s soon going to be a murderer, most likely. He never thought it would go like this but here he is, standing at the new life’s threshold. This is like now or never, this might be the only chance for him to get his life back, to maybe have a fresh start, without any debts and dirty acquaintances. A vision of a normal life is so beautiful, so tempting, and no wonder that he’ll be chasing this vision, this wonderful dream, until he makes it come true. Until his life looks as it should. 


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter XIX

  
All silent, Christoph gives in to Till’s strength and will, he’s sure he has no chances against him now. His position is too unsound, he’s too vulnerable, too paralysed to do anything. He’s terrified, he can’t believe and doesn’t want to believe in what’s happening. He’d never think that Till could do this, could hurt him like this… Everyone but him, he’s his hope and light at the end of the tunnel for God’s sake. Teardrops fall from his eyes like a waterfall, a pained and miserable yell rips from his squished lungs, he wants it to be over…

And it’s over before it even starts. The realisation comes crashing down on Till. He shakes his head, he doesn’t even know how fast it must’ve happened that he didn’t even fully note that. Him? Pressing Christoph down with his whole weight? Keeping him still between his hand and the table? Making it painful for his poor chest and stomach? And his own belt unbuckled with the will of doing something more, something very bad and harmful? Something irreversible, unforgivable? No, no, no, it can’t be, he can’t do that.

He jumps away from Christoph as if he just got a burn. He’s also scared, probably scared of himself, of what could’ve just happened. His hands are shaking, he doesn’t know if he should do or say anything. He just stands there, looking at that horrified mess that Christoph is. He immediately regrets having done this, having attempted to hurt his precious boy. How could he even harm someone like him? Someone so lost and miserable, so resigned, so hopeless… _someone whom he loves_.

Christoph’s in shock, can it be that Till has left him alone? Can it be that he got his reason back and didn’t hurt him in the worst possible way? Is it a dream or reality? Is Christoph so numb and indifferent that he doesn’t even notice what is going on around him and with him? Is it all over? Or is it just a beginning, is Till planning something more, something more terrible? Christoph stays there, bent over the table, though his ribs aren’t squished so painfully anymore. He tries to calm his breathing down and look around the room with his teary eyes. He sniffles and his gaze meets Till’s one. Christoph swallows but also feels a relief when he notices that the other man’s belt is done, that makes him hope that he changed his mind. Yet, another moment of terror comes when Till approaches him quickly again, Christoph presses his eyes shut, he doesn’t want to look at any of this.

Instead of the second assault, two large arms wrap around him and lift him up. He doesn’t make a sound, just lets things happen. He soon gets tightly hugged and pressed against Till’s chest. He breaks and cuddles up to the bigger man, tears still running down his cheeks but there’s no sobbing or whining. Just silence. Is it for better or for worse, neither of them knows the answer to that.

One thing that Till knows is that he should’ve controlled his anger better, he can’t let a similar situation happen again. He can’t lose Christoph’s trust and who knows if he hasn’t lost it already? True, he did no harm apart from the table thing but there was no more than that. It’s something that one can forgive, right? He didn’t fuck it all up… right? He won’t lose Christoph, he can’t lose him…

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I’m so stupid, please, forgive me…” Till starts babbling shakily. “I know what you’re thinking but I’m not like that, you know that I wouldn’t hurt you, you’re too important to do you harm… It just got out of hand, I promise it will never happen again.”

“You’ll just… do this and won’t stop yourself, that’s what you mean?” It comes out more sob-like.

“No, of course not. I won’t hurt you. I can’t lose you, I can’t disappoint you like that.”

“Why did you even do that? What have I done to deserve it?”

“I got angry. Unnecessarily. I… couldn’t control it, it’s not a good excuse, I know, but I have nothing else to say… Just forgive me, Christoph.”

“I do,” he whispers.

Weight is taken off Till’s shoulders the second Christoph mutters these two short words. He immediately feels less tensed and somewhat more serene. He pulls away a bit to wipe Christoph’s tears with his rough hands, the boy doesn’t really mind though. He’s still shaken but he knows that it’s over, that nothing bad happened, that Till promised he’d never try such scary tricks again and there’s no reason not to trust him, that’s what Christoph is hoping for. His friend almost went too far but _almost_ is the key word here. Christoph sticks to that, he wants this memory wiped out of his mind as soon as possible. As if it didn’t happen. Ever.

*********

The four men do meet again, as was said, at Till’s place. Initially, he wasn’t too contented with that fact but he let it go in the end. It’s just this one time and also, he should’ve paid more attention when it was decided on. He shrugs those intrusive thoughts off, it’s not time for whining, he should be helping Christoph in the first place. He does his best to concentrate on planning the whole thing together with Christoph, Richard and Paul. He’s the one who’s “experienced” in this field, as the other three still think. If only Till was as confident about it as they are… He doesn’t consider himself a real serial killer, he thought that his crime had stayed in the past forever… It could’ve stayed there if he hadn’t spilled the tea to Christoph that one day. But then again, maybe Christoph would’ve still got such an idea, maybe he would’ve come up with it himself? Who knows? Maybe this quite crazy idea isn’t completely all Till’s fault, Christoph didn’t have to agree, didn’t have to listen to that.

Nevertheless, the boys have faith in Till and rely on him and his possible ideas. He’s not an idiot though, he makes them think how and where to do the first crime, he won’t do it for them, it’s them who want people dead, not him. Well, with one small exception – he might be wanting Christoph’s father dead, somewhere deep inside that feeling of utter hatred and contempt is lurking and might be released soon. Now is not the time to consider it, now is the time to plan every detail, so that things will go smoothly and, hopefully, no one will ever find out who, when and how did it.

After a lot of intense and sometimes heated conversations and negotiations even, they seem to be on the right path to find the golden mean. The important fact is that Christoph’s father tends to visit the nearby forest to go for walks. And since not too many people wander around there, it’s a perfect spot to capture him. The rest should go even better, they just need to take him deeper into the forest, so that no one will notice or hear anything suspicious. The rest is obvious and even though Christoph doesn’t want to acknowledge that he has to do that final thing, he kind of realises he will have to. Because he wants to and honestly, he has no other choice. None of the other three will do it, it’s Christoph’s personal case, it’s his revenge. Till has already had his one, Christoph and Richard are yet to have it soon too.

The plan seems easy and logical. Also, not to get recognised, it’s Paul who’ll go to check where exactly Christoph’s father goes for walks, places obviously indicated by Christoph too. They need to know if there’s still a schedule as it used to be when Christoph was younger or if it’s changed since then. Of course, they all have doubts whether it’ll work out or not but they do believe that they’ll succeed as well. They just have to hope for the best, they try not to worry about possible failures and bad outcomes which could be quite tragic for them. They have to consider such cases too but they don’t want to focus only on them. The plan is supposed to go well and why would anyone even think otherwise?

Getting to know Christoph’s father’s walking habits takes a few days though, they just have to be sure that it’s always the same way and that he doesn’t notice anything suspicious, meaning Paul spying on him. The other men do have their trust in him, he’s a drug dealer after all, he knows how not to look weird or too mysterious. He can just blend in, even in the forest. It is a bit of a challenge for him, yes, but it makes it even more exciting for him. His only point in this whole thing (for now) is to help his friend, so he really tries his best. Apart from that, he is having fun and enjoying the spying thing, it’s entertaining for him in its own way. After all, never before has he taken part in attempting to kill a person, and now there’s two of them to be gone! How thrilling, isn’t it?

So as it’s mostly Paul’s part of work now, Till is still feeling guilty because of what he tried to do to Christoph the other day. A shroud of bad mood has fallen onto him, so he gets lost in his jobs not to consider it for the thousandth time. He’s sick and tired of that, he should be supporting Christoph now and not disappearing for the whole days. But maybe it’s better for Christoph? Maybe it’s better that they can rest from each other? There are huge things incoming and they both will surely need fresh minds for such heavy stuff. They can’t make any slightest mistake, not on that day, not when Christoph finally takes revenge on his father.

“Are you avoiding me?” Christoph asks suddenly, he’s been gazing at his cup of tea absentmindedly, as if he was in some other world.

“Christoph, I…”

“Is it because of that… evening?”

“It is,” Till sighs.

“Don’t trouble yourself with that anymore. I’ve already forgotten about it. We’ve got more important things to take care of now.”

“I can’t just forget it, I almost did something irreversible and unforgivable.”

“Almost. You didn’t do it, you wouldn’t…” Christoph’s voice turns into a whisper.

“I wouldn’t?”

“I know you wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t hurt me… right?” He finally lifts his cold but still insecure look at Till.

“Never ever.”

Christoph stands up from his chair rapidly just to hug the other man tightly and nuzzle into his neck. Till’s surprised by that sudden move but he doesn’t mind, that’s obvious. And so he takes him into his strong arms and lets out a long breath.

“Stop thinking about it, stop with all the “what ifs”. I… I can’t look at you when you’re so miserable and down. Is this also why you’ve been working all days? To get distracted? Not to see me, so that I won’t remind you about that?”

Till certainly didn’t expect such emotional outburst from Christoph.

“Just don’t say that you want me to leave, I don’t want to leave… I don’t want to leave you,” Christoph adds, mumbling the words into Till’s shoulder.

“Of course you’re staying here with me, I don’t want you to leave me either,” he replies softly. “But are you sure that it’s all okay? As if nothing ever happened?”

“As if nothing ever happened.”

That’s what they both said but… nothing really changed. They don’t really know what’s going on between them and it’s not like they’re super eager to talk about that either. For now, they’re just existing next to each other, it seems quite cold. They’re both feeling guilty because of that, even though neither of them has done anything wrong. There’s just something they can’t really figure out, at least now. They do hope that they’ll be able to do so soon because they realise it’ll start to get quite tiring and uncomfortable, and awkward if they don’t solve it. Also, they don’t want to lose this thing that’s between them, at least one of them is already sure that he loves the other one. Well, this certainly isn’t something that any of them could predict, they can’t do anything about that. However, Till hasn’t even mentioned anything about love. Who would even think about it now? Who would even think that that one evening will change it all so much? Who would think that love will ever appear there?

They wait a week or two. The whole plan is taking time after all. And they want to be sure about everything, so they tell Paul to go and sit in the forest one day more just to be certain that there aren’t any changes in Christoph’s father walking route. And they have been repeating this thing every day for the whole week, until Paul has had enough of “this shit”. He knows every step that the old man takes in the forest, there’s no way something will change and he swears on the name of God about that. Well, it seems that he somehow really got involved, which is quite interesting to all three of them but they decide not to mention it for now. There will be time for feasting and boasting later. At the moment, they have to be focused not to screw anything up – they wouldn’t like it, that would mean the biggest troubles of their lives.

*********

The day that was in plans for so long has finally come. Christoph has been feeling sick since the very morning, he is clearly stressed out by the whole situation. Well, no wonder. Boy is about to kill his own father in a couple of hours and even though he does want it, he is nervous and scared even. He keeps asking himself if he’ll be able to do that, to do the final thing, to end the man’s life. He knows that no one will do it for him. 

“Will you finally tell me what will be your role in this whole thing? You haven’t said anything about it neither to me, not to the other two. We only know that you’ll do something but can you share it with me? I think it’s high time you did that, it’s gonna happen today of you don’t remember…” Christoph huffs, though he didn’t mean to say it in such a tone. The raw nerves are taking their toll. 

“You’re right,” Till agrees, ignoring the other man’s remarks, “I’ll get rid of the body. No one will ever find it.”

“What are you going to do with it… him?...”

“I can’t tell you. Then you will find out.”

“So you don’t want to tell me either? I thought this thing concerns me the most…”

“Not in this specific case. If you don’t want me to help, you can say “no”. But if you do so, you’ll spend the rest of your life in prison and I don’t think that this is what you want.”

Christoph shakes his head.

“That’s what I thought.” He smiles in the slightest possible way. “Do you remember the plan?”

“I do.”

“Good boy.”

Christoph flares his look at Till, he surely didn’t expect to get called like this. Not that he’s complaining though. He likes it actually. It was a praise after all and he kind of internally craves them. Maybe he’s finally doing something right?

Also, maybe, just maybe, there’s a certain feeling growing inside of him? And there’s just been so many events that he hasn’t really noticed it too well yet? Can it be that he’s falling for Till?

Whatever the answer to that question is, it’s not a time for it now. Now, they’re both (or especially Christoph) counting the hours until their plan comes true. With each passing hour, he’s feeling more and more nervous, tensed, unprepared. He’s afraid he won’t be able to make it, won’t be able to take the final step. There’s no turning back now, it’s too late to cancel the whole thing. He’s got three people involved in this! They’ve been helping him and he can’t just disrespect and ignore their work now. It would be highly rude and dickish even. No, no, no, Christoph doesn’t want that, doesn’t want to disappoint himself, doesn’t want to disappoint Till. He has to use his chance, Till has done so much, he has arranged it all, nothing of this would be happening if it hadn’t been for him. 

“Have a drink before we leave,” Till advises.

“I don’t want tea or coffee…”

“I wasn’t talking about soft drinks.”

This draws Christoph’s attention. Of course, they need something to relax a bit, both of them are stressed out as hell. And so, they get themselves glasses of vodka and clink them, drinking to the success, leaving the past in the past. 

  
In order not to make things too suspicious, it’s Paul who, this time, follows the man all nonchalantly. As if he went on a nice walk in the forest himself. As he suspected, the man doesn’t change his usual route at all. And he doesn’t even think that there’s something wrong with a man walking a few metres behind him, why would he? It’s not a popular place for walks but maybe that young man needed some fresh air and peace? And maybe Christoph’s father isn’t even thinking about this – why would he bother himself with some stranger?

Paul knows what he has to do and how he has to do it, so he waits with everything until they both get to the deepest part of the forest that the man’s route reaches. It’s really far away from any buildings and there’s just nothing but trees around that place. There’s no living soul there. What is there, though, is a large tree branch just next to the path, a branch that was brought here earlier. It was brought here for one certain purpose. 

While walking down the path, Paul picks the branch up casually but he doesn’t make too much noise, it isn’t suspicious and that’s the point. They couldn’t let anything look suspicious up to the incoming moment. A short one but crucial for the whole case. If something goes wrong now, the whole thing will be ruined and screwed up. And they have gone to far to fuck it up just now.

Paul picks up the pace a bit, so that he can catch up with the man he’s been following for a good while. The man isn’t stupid though, he has some intuition but it doesn’t work as well as he’d like it to work. He kind of feels that something is going on behind him, something suspicious but he realises it all too late. Yes, he does turn around but he should’ve done it at least few seconds ago. If he had turned around then, he might’ve had avoided the hit coming his way. The branch aims straight at his temple and the hit itself is very powerful for a short man like Paul. 

The man blacks out and falls onto the ground. One hit did the job, just as planned. Paul checks the time – perfect. It takes a very little while for Till and Richard to appear from somewhere among the trees. Of course, more than one of them is needed to carry their victim deeper into the forest. The three or two of them can take him there without leaving marks of dragging someone over the ground. Fallen leaves and grass could as well cover them but they don’t want to risk such a simple thing. One has to admit that their plan has been going very well for now. 

It does take some time to carry the man to the desired spot where Christoph is already waiting. He’s pacing back and forth, the shot of vodka didn’t help as much as he thought it would. This thing is huge after all, he’s going to get rid of the biggest problem of his life once and for all in a couple of minutes. Oh, that’s sure he will wait until the man wakes up, he just has to tell him everything he thinks about him straight in his face. He has to let this steam off, he has to throw all those terrible memories at him, he has to make him realise how much of a hell he created out of Christoph’s life. He has to force him to understand what a mistake it was, even though the damage is done. And that’s the point too – no one will ever be able to return Christoph’s lost years, maybe he’ll collect some parts of his ripped soul and heart but it will never be the same for sure. His father destroyed him in such a way, that it can’t be fully repaired or healed. It’s going to stay there forever no matter how hard Christoph or anyone tries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to make promises about any updates again because I can't really keep them, I'm so sorry! Yeah, my studies have consumed me a bit, so the chapter 20 will be out when the right time comes :P


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence, homophobic behaviour, a murder and a bit of gore. You have been warned ;P

Chapter XX

Christoph is already waiting for the other three and their victim at the spot they’ve chose beforehand. He kind of wonders why there’s a chair standing in the middle of the forest but he guesses that one of the others must’ve brought it here earlier. What else can be hidden somewhere near, in the bushes, in the grass? Why didn’t he know about that? He huffs, he’ll have to ask about it, in a while or after everything’s done, it doesn’t really matter. And well, the closer the moment is, the less he is feeling. His nerves are calming down and he finds it quite convenient because he wants to show his father that he’s worth something, that he’s not weak, stupid or pathetic. He wants a simple revenge. He wants his father to pay for what he had done to him through all those years. Christoph won’t be able to give him as much pain as he had done but it will still count, he will let the steam off, he will finally be able to breathe freely and walk out of the house without being worried that he’ll meet his father somewhere on his way.

There they come, finally. The minutes have been dragging like hell but Christoph can now be sure that everything’s been going according to the plan so far. He’s mildly contented with that. He watches as the other three men are dragging his father towards this old wooden chair. He can see that this monster, as he likes to refer to him, is unconscious as the other boys push him down onto the chair and tie him up to it. The feelings seem to have come back. For how long? Who knows? What Christoph knows, though, is that he’s confused and scared to a certain degree. It is happening, the inevitable is just happening before his eyes. 

“W-what am I supposed to do now?” Christoph asks, looking at the boys and then at their victim.

“Whatever you want.” Till shrugs. “If I were you, I’d wait until he wakes up.”

“What next? Should I tell him something? Or do what I’m here for?”

“As I said, it’s up to you. I won’t interfere unless you ask me for it.”

Christoph gulps but doesn’t protest. He knows that he’ll have to do it tonight, he’s been waiting for it for so long… and now he has to wait too. Luckily, it doesn’t take too much time until the man wakes up after the blow he got on his head. Christoph’s heart beats faster as he notices that. But at the same time he braces himself for the upcoming conversation and the justice that he’s going to do. The confusion and slight fear are still there, yet now there’s some inner thrill growing, encouragement caused by the presence of the other three men. He clenches his fists and huffs, to let some steam off and gather his thoughts. To gather everything that he wants to scream straight into his face. 

The boys take some steps back, they don’t want to disturb, this is Christoph’s personal thing and he should be able to deal with it on his own, that’s what they’ve decided. They aren’t too far in case anything goes wrong, though they do feel that things will work out just as planned. Christoph didn’t expect this move but he’s grateful anyway. Some kind of pressure is gone, it feels as if there was only him and his father.

Finally, the prisoner’s fully awake. What he sees when he looks up is his son’s cold and hateful stare. 

“Couldn’t do that by yourself, huh? Needed your boyfriend and some other faggots, didn’t you?” the man dares to say with a sly smile on his face. 

This is enough for Christoph to just punch this fucker in the face. He surely didn’t know that he has so much power in his hand. He’s a bit shocked because of what he just did but it seems to be giving him a bit of relief. Something he was doubting that would happen. 

“Can’t do it when I’m not tied up, huh? You are too _weak_ , aren’t you?”

That word. That goddamn word. It’s like a red rag to a bull. Oh no, it’s enough of this word. Christoph had had enough of it long ago. And there goes another blow. And a loud “fuck you” followed by it. Poor boy is furious by now, so quickly. All this rage is finally coming out of him, all this fury that’s been stored for so many, or too many, years. 

“I hate you, for fuck’s sake! You are weak, you’ve always been! You could never handle your own child, so you had to use violence! Because you had nothing else to do! Because you weren’t able to do anything that wouldn’t be connected with hurting me! You are a piece of shit not a father, someone like you should have never had any children!”

“I don’t have children. My son wasn’t a fucking faggot.”

At first, there was emptiness, then there were nerves and confusion. Now there is pure anger and even purer hatred. Christoph yells and kicks the man in his guts. In result, he coughs severely and groans in pain. Christoph has strength and when it’s driven by fury, then it gets even more powerful. And he also seems to be taking some pleasure from that, maybe revenge does help, even though some say it doesn’t? There’s surely some steam being let off, to say the least. He can finally set all those hidden emotions and grief free, and this will certainly be a blessing too. He might not realise it now, because he’s very focused on what he has to do at the moment, but it will. Maybe he’ll finally get rid of all these thoughts that have been destroying him for so many years.

“You deserve nothing more than to die!” Christoph snarls, after long minutes of raising hell specifically for his father. The man is all bruised and already half-conscious, the rage of his son is seen in his broken and bleeding nose, a browridge that’s ripped apart and black eyes. Christoph looks like he doesn’t have enough, he seems to never have enough. He’s yelled so many words, all the pain and misery have been flowing out like a wild river.

“So do you, fucking punk,” the man manages to bark back. 

There’s a literal desire to kill in Christoph’s eyes, it’s so easy to see even though it’s already grown quite dark around them. He wants to eradicate this problem, to erase this monster from his life, to do it once and for all. He wants to, he craves to do so, but if only he had something at hand… 

“Christoph?” Till asks softly from behind him.

Christoph turns around, he looks as if he was in some kind of trance but it’s quite understandable.

“Here, have this. And do what you have to,” he says, handing him a gun.

Christoph nods and gladly takes the weapon into his hand.

“Do you know how to use it?”

“I do.”

Till can join the other boys back as Christoph is just about to finally do what he’s been waiting for. He turns back to his own victim, there’s a sly and evil smirk appearing on his lips. He looks at the gun and then flicks off the safety. He doesn’t wait and he has no mercy, he aims the gun straight at the man’s forehead. There is this wickedness painted on his face now too, it is quite terrifying and creepy.

“Maybe a last word, fucker?” The man groans weakly.

“You wish,” goes the coldest answer.  
  
Shoot. Noise. Silence.

It’s done. It’s finally done. Christoph has made it, he has just killed the monster who turned his life into hell. He is in shock, he can’t really believe that it’s happened and that it’s over. That this man will never be haunting him again, that he will never have to be afraid of him again. The nightmare seems to have come to an end.

He flicks the safety back on, so that he won’t shoot any of his friends. His hands are very calm, there is no shaking anymore, no nerves. He lets out a heavy sigh and stares at his work. At the bleeding and beaten up corpse. He’s proud of himself, proud of his courage and confidence in that moment of truth. He’s proud that he’s done that by himself. And he’s grateful that all the three men have helped him, especially Till. As if he called him telepathically, Till approaches him and lays his hand on Christoph’s arm. Till is proud of Christoph too. He smiles softly, mostly to himself, but still.   
Christoph flinches at the touch a bit but he quickly relaxes too. 

“Good job, Christoph,” Till comments softly.

It’s so heart-warming to hear it from Till, it makes all the nerves fade away almost completely. The adrenaline level is decreasing. And Christoph is starting to feel very light-headed. The world before his eyes takes a dramatic spin and his legs go weak. Soon, he sees only black and passes out. Luckily, Till is still next to him, so he manages to catch him just in time. 

“Easy there, boy,” Till chuckles, holding Christoph by his arms.

“What happened to him?” the other two men ask as they approach too.

“Emotions must have overwhelmed him, poor thing. He should wake up soon. Could you take him to my place while I… clean this mess here?”

“It will look quite strange, won’t it?”

“You think so? He looks like he’s terribly wasted, like someone who’s just been to a very good party. Nothing suspicious.”

It sounds fair enough. Richard and Paul take Christoph, place him in a more or less comfortable position for them and off they go.

“How long will it take you? You know, to clean up?” Richard asks before they go farther.

“Half an hour, maybe a bit more. I’ll see you at my place.” Till shrugs.

As soon as they are far enough, Till gets to tidy up the place. Well, he doesn’t want it to look like someone’s just been murdered here. He’ll simply do the same thing he did years before, when he had just dealt with his own problem. It seems easy and he thinks he remembers it – and luckily, he does. It would be quite a big problem if he didn’t do his job right. None of them wants to be wanted by the police, so everything has to be done perfectly well. Just as planned.

And so it goes – just as planned. Getting rid of the body takes him a couple of minutes (and some nerves too) but he manages to complete his task. After double checking if everything went well, he decides, or he knows, that he can go back home. He’s still careful and suspicious of every sound he hears or every movement, even the slightest, that he notices. A bit of paranoid, he admits that. Better paranoid than completely reckless, right? Who wouldn’t be as wary as he is after doing the thing he had to do?

He feels relieved when he finally gets close to his house. And when he sees that the lights are on inside. He’s almost sure that everything has gone according to the plan. Why almost? Because he always has to have that margin of error. And this time is no different, yet the margin is very small, for he knows that they have really done this whole bad thing like professionals. He chuckles softly to himself as he starts to consider becoming a hitman or generally a gangster. 

Not that Christoph hasn’t been thinking about creating a gang before.

Till comes back home and by this time, Christoph has already woken up. He is still confused and disoriented, his mind hazy because of what has happened this evening. He’s staring at some random spot in front of him, he’s quite absent. Richard and Paul are keeping an eye on him from the kitchen, where they’re talking to each other about some less serious matters. Till walks over to Christoph carefully, though there’s a slight smile on his face, he’s mildly amused by how astounded Christoph is. He sits down on the couch, next to him and lays his huge hand on the other man’s back to rub it in a soothing manner.

“It’s over, you did it,” Till says softly. 

Christoph doesn’t respond.

“Still in shock, huh? Maybe I’ll just let you be until you come back to me.”

He attempts to get up but Christoph grabs his hand and stops him. So he sits back down obediently. Christoph still seems to be a bit absent. Till understands, poor boy has just experienced such a huge thing in his life, it would be an absurd if he weren’t touched by it. Till remembers his own reaction when he came home after he’d done the same thing. And well, the reaction was very similar, after the adrenaline levels decreased. He remembers he couldn’t quite understand what had just happened and he could only get a hang of it on the following day. Or even days. Murdering someone with cold blood isn’t the most ordinary thing after all.

“Maybe we’ll leave you two?” Richard asks as he and Paul come to the room. “Christoph seems to be still… immersed in the latest events. And we don’t want to disturb.”

“You can stay if you want to, you helped a lot,” Till admits.

“Nah, we can celebrate it some other day. When the other person is gone too. Then we’ll be free and fully allowed to celebrate.”

“Christoph isn’t really in the state for celebrating, now is he?” Paul chuckles.

And no, he certainly isn’t. 

“Keep an eye on him, Till,” Richard nods.

“I will.”

“We’ll meet again soon, right?”

“Right.”

Sometime later, Christoph finally comes back to the reality, with Till still sitting beside him. He finally seems to have acknowledged and realised what had happened. He gets a weird feeling of being free, both physically and mentally. There’s this feeling that he has long forgotten, that he was sure he’d never experience again. He can’t really name it, apart from the freedom aspect, but he knows that it’s there. And that’s what counts to him. 

He turns to look at Till, who’s now smiling to him warmly. He’s glad that Christoph is in a more or less conscious state. Yet, he didn’t expect the other man to just hug him straight away. Christoph basically clings onto him as if his life depended on that, his head buried in Till’s shoulder. Till sighs, but it’s a sigh of relief. He starts rubbing Christoph’s back in a comforting manner, reassuring him that everything went well and it’s a hundred percent alright. There’s a long moment of silence between the two but it’s not awkward, it’s just Christoph being silently grateful for everything that has happened thanks to Till. 

“I have no idea how I can thank you for all this…” Christoph mutters truthfully. “I would have never made it if it hadn’t been for you. Hell, I would have never even thought about it. I really don’t know what to say, you have made my life so much easier and safer, I…”

“You don’t have to say anything. I couldn’t just leave you with all that burden. I helped you once and it just went on. I wouldn’t stop, I don’t want to stop if that makes you feel at least a little bit better. I care about you, Christoph. A lot.”

Christoph nuzzles into Till’s shoulder even more. It’s been a while way too long since he felt so safe and understood like this. Since he knew someone cares for him. 

“You’re too good, I do not deserve you…” Christoph sighs. “I’ve done nothing to deserve you.”

Till whispers a, “stop it,” and just pulls him even closer. 

“Thank you, thank you so much, Till.”

There’s now a burning urge inside that’s yelling at Till to confess to Christoph that he, in fact, loves him. Despite the tons of inner protests, he decides not to. It’s not the time to confuse Christoph’s head with more emotions than necessary, Till decides. He hopes that there will be time for it later. 

Till was ready for the upcoming night that he was sure would be full of nightmares, yelling and sweating and nervous and heavy breathing. And indeed, that’s what’s happening. Poor Christoph is having terrible night terror, his breathing sounding more like wheezes than inhales and exhales is what wakes Till up. He wasn’t in a too deep sleep anyway, subconsciously prepared that his sleep wouldn’t last too long. He’s obviously there, holding Christoph close when he’s managed to wake him up from his nightmare, telling him countless reassuring words, so that this miserable boy can calm down and maybe get some well-deserved sleep. 

With tears running down his cheeks, Christoph tells Till about his night terror, in which the roles are switched and it’s him who’s captured by his father and it’s his life that’s in danger. Christoph is shivering as he talks about it, he sniffles and cuddles up to Till so tightly, that his words are barely clear to Till. He’s trying his best though, he’s listening carefully, so that he knows what exactly scared Christoph so badly. 

“Do you know what was the worst?” Christoph hiccups. “That it was you who… who…” He swallows loudly.

“What did I do, Christoph?”

“You shot me. Without a word, you just appeared and did that. Why? Why was it you? You, no one else, you, you… You’re the one who saved me and now you’re the one who’s killing me? Why? Am I a bother? Don’t you want me anymore?” With that sentence, he’s looking straight into Till’s eyes. 

“Never think like that, you are not a bother, you know that I want you. And you know that I would never hurt you, let alone shoot you dead. I want you to be happy and safe, preferably by my side,” Till admits and kisses Christoph’s forehead. “Don’t bother your weary self anymore, please. Get some rest, Christoph, or try to do so.”

“Will you stay?”

“Of course I will.”

*********

The other two decide that they can celebrate the day and the accomplished mission at least a little bit. In order to do that, they go to Richard’s place, Paul is sure that it looks better than his and that it’s certainly in a safer area. When there, they dig out some beers from the fridge and flop down onto the couch to clink the bottles and drink to what they all have done today. It was a great thing, they have to admit that. What they won’t admit, at least aloud, is that they enjoyed it in some wicked way and that they will gladly get rid of another man that’s been a problem for definitely too long. 

Even though they’ve killed a man together, they do not really talk about it. They rather have some loose and silly conversation, just to release the tension and take some rest from the nerves and constant concentration not to fuck everything up. Now is definitely not time for that, they need jokes and some easy topics if they can be called like that, there’s more of some random babbling which makes both of them laugh.

“So you’re still in that drug business, right?”

The level of alcohol makes Richard bring some serious matter up.

“Yes, I need to make a living somehow.”

“We could use some of your stuff to actually… you know…”

“You think he wouldn’t notice? Or something else? How do you even want to do that?”

“I’d find a way. He, that goddamn fucker, isn’t the wisest creature. And the drugs would do a lot to help carry this whole thing out. At least, I wouldn’t have to depend on Till so much. He’d be proud of me,” he chuckles at the last sentence.

“I understand that you two fucked but it doesn’t mean that you have to fall in love with him!”

“Fuck. Off. I am not in love with anyone. I have more important things to take care of now. Imagine that being fucked in your ass by heartless monsters on a daily basis isn’t the best thing in the world,” he huffs. “This situation, the things they do, is breaking me day by day, if it doesn’t stop soon, I’ll go nuts. You don’t want to know what is going on in my head sometimes. There are days I want to kill myself, you know?” His voice a bit softer again, he knows that this whole case isn’t his friend’s fault. 

“Sorry, Richard,” Paul says with guilt in his voice. “I didn’t mean to…”

“I know. Now I only hope that it’ll end in no time. I really do. If I don’t, I… never mind. You know the rest.”

Paul sends him a warm and reassuring smile when Richard turns to look at him and it’s all it takes for the things to seem at least a bit better. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning ;)

Chapter XXI

The morning after appears to be very hazy at first. Christoph wakes up and finds himself wrapped in Till’s arms. He glances behind and the other man is still sleeping. There’s no way that Christoph will be able to get up now, so he sighs heavily and starts to recollect the memories from the previous day. He has to sort it out when his mind is finally more or less clear, when the emotions have finally fallen down. Only then does he fully realise what happened. He did it. He got rid of his worst nightmare. That nightmare won’t haunt him anymore, that chapter of his life is over. He doesn’t need to worry that he’ll meet him somewhere on the street because he is gone. Gone. Finally. Christoph almost can’t believe it. He’s still a bit light-headed but he now knows everything. And he is probably quite happy now.

  
He shuffles and manages to turn around, so that he’s facing Till now. One thing that he knows for sure is that he would have never done it if it hadn’t been for him, for this big bear-like man who can murder someone and have the biggest heart on earth at the same time. Fascinating. Intriguing. Admirable. Christoph adores. And now he can perfectly see all these benefits, nothing casts its shroud over all those positives (well, his psyche still isn’t in the best shape but he seems not to notice it at the moment). He almost considers this man to be a miracle, in which he doesn’t even believe. But he saved him, he’s been there all the time, he helped him do all that… 

  
There’s just so much that Christoph owes to Till. He sighs again as he’s gazing at that handsome man’s face. He’s so peaceful while he’s sleeping, undisturbed, resting. He surely needed good sleep too. He’s been taking care of the whole big thing, he’s been taking care of Christoph all this time. Christoph still wonders what makes him care so much. And he remembers that one evening when Till blew him. No, he surely didn’t just use him. And he surely isn’t doing it now either. At first it doesn’t come to him but then… Could it be…? Can it really be that Till …? Is this…? No, it can’t be… Or can it? What if it is? What if it is _the feeling_? 

  
He shakes his head in order not to think about such things now and it wakes Till up. He murmurs and opens his eyes lazily.

“Morning, Christoph.”

“Morning, Till.”

“Nightmares again?”

“No, I just woke up but I didn’t want to disturb your sleep.”

“It’s fine. How are you?”

“Good, I guess. It kind of… all of this… I simply realised what had happened and I am feeling better than yesterday. I was like some lunatic. Well, I probably am, I killed my own father. I’m no better than you.”

“Then we’re lunatics together. I don’t mind. I’m glad it all went as planned. And I’m glad that I’m seeing a smile on your face.” Till smiles too and strokes Christoph’s soft cheek. 

Till surely didn’t expect that Christoph would kiss him. Yet here we are. Both of them melt into it, low purrs accompanied by one or two heavy breaths. 

“Breakfast?” Till asks when their lips part.

“Mhm…” goes the answer.

The day goes past, with Christoph expressing his happiness once more often, once less often. There’s some hugs from behind or shy pecks, Till has never seen him behave like this before. Quite weird but the boy is at least somehow happy. That’s what counts the most.

He becomes even more clingy in the evening. The two are just gaping at the TV screen without too much thinking, their thoughts are somewhere else. Christoph leans against Till’s shoulder but since he draws no reaction, he starts looking at him and he knows Till doesn’t really like that. He waits patiently for the well-known reaction.

“Don’t stare,” here it comes.

Christoph pecks Till’s cheek instead. He still does it shyly but neither of them minds it. Till even smirks a bit, knowing that the boy is getting braver and that he is surely a bit happier now that the worst nightmare of his life is gone. 

  
Till turns his head, so that he can face Christoph. Oh, this boy’s eyes are surely too beautiful, and so blue and ice-cold, that one can almost freeze. Well, someone who is not Till. He won’t freeze with Christoph, quite the contrary – it may get hot in here if the things go well this evening. Till sighs and leans over to plant a proper but still chaste kiss on the other man’s lips. He thought it would end with this but the boy seems to want more since he whines quietly when their lips part. This and those still cold but slightly pleading eyes make Till kiss him again. Christoph gets more eager and he lifts his hand a bit shakily and strokes Till’s stubbly cheek. It feels nice, a little bit tingly. The bigger man purrs lowly and soon the kiss starts getting more passionate, including faster breathing and flushed cheeks. 

  
Neither of them knows how and when it happened but Christoph is now on Till’s lap, straddling him. He forgot his shyness and he’s eagerly nibbling on the other man’s lower lip, while his slender fingers are roaming around that hairy and strong chest and stomach, just under Till’s shirt. Christoph also rocks his hips a tiny bit every once in a while, getting some nice friction against his groin and very hot low grunts from Till. They both know what is inevitable, goddamn, they both want it. They need it. They need each other. 

“Till …” Christoph gasps, “F-fuck me, please.”

“Do you mean…?”

“Yes. Yes, I want it. Just fuck me,” he breathes and kisses the bigger man again.

Christoph then stands up, his cold look serious. Almost desperate. His lip trembling and a bit red from all that kissing. He watches that big man get up too. Till approaches him and cups his face in his huge hands. He then gazes into those icy blue eyes, which are screaming with a plea. He gulps but he just needs that right now. 

Till kisses him softly instead. 

“Let’s go to the bedroom then,” he purrs.

They do it more than eagerly. When there already, Christoph suddenly grabs Till by his shirt and slams him against the nearest wall, boy surely has some strength. He clutches the fabric and kisses the bigger man who is clearly surprised but doesn’t mind it. Christoph doesn’t wait, he slips Till’s shirt off when they need a break to take a breath. And soon, his slender fingers land on that broad chest and start roaming all around. He’s in awe. He quickly takes off his own shirt too, it’s getting definitely too hot for clothes. 

  
Christoph rocks his hips again, drawing a grunt from Till, much to his delight. He isn’t so shy anymore, it seems. Before Till can say anything, he’s led to the bed by the other man, who sits down on the edge of it, having him stand between his legs, just in front of him. That previously shy boy starts mouthing at the big man’s toned belly, nibbling on it occasionally, while unbuckling his belt. 

“I thought you wanted me to fuck you,” Till breathes, raking his fingers through Christoph’s hair.

“I still do… I just want to give you a little payback for the last time,” he answers and then glances up, a spark in those icy eyes.

Till’s head spins but he doesn’t refuse. How could he refuse? 

In no time his jeans and underwear are gone and Christoph’s mouth is dangerously close to his already hard dick. He purrs into the big man’s groin, running his hands up and down those thick and strong thighs. He first kisses the area around his shaft, just a little tease, which drives Till crazy. Then there’s a lick at the base, then one or two more, and then that wet soft tongue goes from the base up to the top, making the other man huff a swear. One more quick glance of those cold eyes, now burning with desire, then back to licking and kissing Till’s length. 

Till is growing impatient, he doesn’t like too many games like that. He lets out a low growl, both from pleasure and tension. Christoph knows what he should do, so he takes that huge member into his mouth, not too deep, he’s testing the grounds. It feels heavenly anyway, so wet and warm. Till sighs in relief, his hand still in Christoph’s hair. He looks down at the younger man, the sight is wonderful, even though it’s Christoph’s first time to blow someone. He gets soft but a bit shaky praises and he moans because of them, sending vibrations through Till’s body. 

With each passing second, Christoph is trying to take Till deeper and deeper, he is aware that he won’t be able to deepthroat him now but it can change in the future. He’s only halfway in and it’s already a lot. At one point, he feels too brave and actually chokes on the other man’s dick. He’d love to take his head away but Till holds him still by his hair and doesn’t let go. 

“It’s okay, Christoph, calm down, you’re doing so well…”

Christoph inhales sharp breaths through his nose, his eyes a bit watery. He does calm down, holding Till’s thighs with his hands firmly. Till then lets Christoph’s hair go, so the boy pulls away almost immediately, a string of saliva hangs between his chin and the bigger man’s dick for a moment. 

Those icy blue eyes meet the ocean-like ones again and Till leans down to grab the other man’s jaw and crash their lips together. 

“Did you like it?” Christoph mutters.

“A lot. Now, let me take care of you, pretty boy.”

“It’s gonna hurt.”

“Only at the beginning, I promise.”

Christoph nods and then he lies down on the bed. There’s still slight fear in his head but he tries not to focus on that, he doesn’t want to ruin it for himself. He trusts Till like no one else in the world after all. 

Till gets rid of Christoph’s pants and underwear quickly, revealing that slim but still prettily toned body. Christoph blushes furiously, being so vulnerable, aroused and naked in front of that man. He hides his flushed face behind his forearm and Till hovers over him to take that hand away. He wants to see his pretty boy, he wants to see his reactions, he is so handsome and cute at the same time. 

Till looks at him warmly, then plants a chaste kiss on his lips, meanwhile sliding his huge and warm hands down that pale chest, sides and stomach. There are those protruding hipbones too and Till adores them. He lets out a low grunt and nibbles on Christoph’s lower lip. He scratches those hipbones a bit, then moves south with one of his hands, so that Christoph gasps into his mouth. It’s only a tease though, Till doesn’t touch Christoph where he wants to be touched so badly. Not yet.  
Till gets up and leaves cold empty space above Christoph. He groans, out of sheer frustration. 

“Impatient, are we?” Till chuckles as he gets the bottle of lube from a drawer.

“Quite a fucking lot,” goes the raspy response.

“So now, pull your knees up to your chest, Christoph.”

The boy nods and obeys as the other man gets in front of him, between his legs. Christoph’s cheeks turn red again, he’s even more exposed now, relying on his friend-lover, putting all of his trust in him, for him. He wants it and he needs it, even though he’s still scared that Till will tear him in half.

“Just don’t rip my ass apart, please…” Christoph says in a shyer manner now.

“Do you think I’d ruin it for you?”

“No, just saying…”

“Christoph, listen,” he starts but…

“Yes, I still want it, Till.”

It’s enough. This interruption earns Christoph a heavy slap on his ass. He jerks in his spot and yelps, clearly startled.

“The fuck was that?” Christoph huffs, he’s not angry though.

“You keep cutting me off. That’s what you get for that. I’ll do it again if you make me.”

Christoph sends him an inquisitive glance but doesn’t comment on that (because he might like this threat too much actually).  
He loses his train of thought when he gets kissed again, this time it’s hotter and greedier. And it’s to distract him from any inhibitions that might be clouding his mind now. Till breaks the kiss for a moment, he needs to get some lube on his fingers and between Christoph’s butt cheeks. Christoph huffs at the coldness and the feeling of being so fucking exposed to another man. Till teases his rim for a second or two, then plants his lips against Christoph’s again, sliding his middle finger inside of the younger man. He feels him clench and hears him hiss at the first sensation, surely very weird for him. 

Till shushes him, slowly moving his finger in and out, their lips never leaving each other. Christoph clutches the sheets around him when he feels another finger sinking in his slick hole. The boy moans weakly, that stretching feeling isn’t so strange anymore and it doesn’t sting as much as at the first contact. That’s also when Till sits up and hits Christoph’s prostate with his fingers. The sight of him gasping in shock and pleasure, throwing his head back is delightful. 

“Oh God, Till …” he mumbles, his eyes closed, his sensitive spot still being stroked in a nice peaceful rhythm.

“Good?” Till smiles.

“Yes, don’t stop…”

“I’m not even planning to…” he purrs and inserts the third digit.

“Fuck me!” Christoph cries out, there is a hint of pain in his voice now.

“You know I have to get you ready first,” Till states softly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Christoph tries to calm his breathing down, three thick fingers is _a lot_. He’s feeling full, stretched, blissfully so. It still stings but it seems to be fading away anyhow. And Till is stroking his inner thigh in a soothing manner, so that it is even more bearable and surely far better.

Till can freely pump his three fingers into Christoph and he knows that he’s ready to take his rock-hard dick up his ass. The sight is still wonderful though – his eyes closed, lips parted, soft gasps and whimpers escaping his mouth, his muscles slightly twitching, and his member leaking a bit already. So arousing, so endearing… 

He opens his eyes when he doesn’t feel anything in himself anymore. He looks up, his eyes lidded. His knees hurt a little already, he doesn’t care. He’s too focused on Till pouring some lube onto his shaft and moving his hand up and down. There is pure lust in Christoph’s eyes and so is it in Till’s. 

Till leans over the younger man again, admiring his bashful but still eager expression. He guides his dick with his hand until the tip meets Christoph’s hole. He pushes ever so gently, watching the other man release a breathy whimper and squeeze his eyes shut. Till keeps going but in a very slow pace and he knows it would be much worse if he hadn’t prepared Christoph for it. 

It doesn’t take long before Till is rocking his hips in a steady manner, having Christoph pinned underneath him, holding his hands against the pillows on the sides of his head, planting kisses on his jaw and lips, nibbling on his earlobe and neck, leaving love bites there, as if he was marking his territory. And Christoph is feeling _so fucking good_ like this, being fucked in the ass by this man, letting out grunts and lewd moans of pure pleasure, enjoying the way how their bodies connect and the sounds they’re making. He’s holding Till’s hands firmly, his legs around his waist, as if he were afraid that Till would suddenly leave him. And there’s no way that such a thing could happen.

The bigger man is more interested in chasing Christoph’s pleasure and his own. He can clearly feel the great wave that’s coming with every move he’s making, now pounding into Christoph faster and more roughly. His breathing hitches and beads of sweat appear on his toned body. He might be getting close but he won’t leave Christoph so neglected. He lets go of one of his hands and moves it downwards, so that he can curl his fingers around the boy’s twitching dick, gently stroking the heavily leaking tip, just so he can start jerking him off after that. Christoph lets out a throaty groan and he bucks his hips, feeling Till deeper, stronger, better. So overwhelming, so full, so good…

“Till, I’m gonna… I can’t hold it…” Christoph half whimpers, half mutters. He’s almost in a daze, if only he could cross that edge…

“Do you want to cum, Christoph?” Till hums lowly, a rumbling sound in his chest.

“Yes, oh God, yes…”

“Ask for it like a good boy.”

Christoph almost passes out but he manages to form just few more words.

“Please, Till, I want it so much, I-I really can’t…”

“Now, Christoph.”

Christoph shudders and he falls apart underneath Till. He cries out his name, he’s trembling, his back arching, his muscles flexing furiously, making Till come a tiny moment later. Christoph’s vision goes white, he feels thousands jolts of pleasure rushing through his whole body. He can’t even stop the vulgar moans leaving his mouth as he feels the other man’s seed shooting inside him. He yells until his throat hurts, while Till is groaning straight into his ear, his breath hot against his already hot and flushed skin, one of his hands still holding Christoph’s, the other helping him ride his orgasm. 

Till tries hard not to collapse on Christoph when the last aftershocks attack his weary body. The sweat is literally dripping from him. It doesn’t matter now. He lets go of Christoph’s soft member and slides out of his pretty boy when he’s soft too. For a while, he thinks that Christoph has blacked out but a soft whimper escapes his mouth when Till’s cum flows out of his ass.

He opens his eyes a bit, his vision hazy. He does notice Till above him though, and he feels him stroking his cheek tenderly. Christoph smiles a little and then Till presses their foreheads together. Yes, this feels right. This feels safe. This is home. Till is Christoph’s home. 

“Christoph?” Till asks, his voice hoarse. 

A tiny and lazy, “Hm?”

“I love you.”

Christoph opens his eyes fully and looks into Till’s ocean-like iris.

“What?” He whispers.

“I love you. Before you ask – I didn’t come up with it just now. I’ve been thinking about it for a good while already…”

“So it’s not just because…”

“No. And don’t make me explain this, please,” Till shies away. 

“I won’t, I…” Christoph starts and raises his hand, so that he can brush some of the unruly hair out of Till’s shining eyes. “I… I love you too.”

Christoph blushes a crimson red after this confession but at the same time, his soul and heart feel so much lighter, better, more… joyful.  
He watches the other man lie down beside him, his arms and knees have given away and they need to rest. It doesn’t stop Till from embracing Christoph and pulling him close to himself, so that he can nuzzle into the crook of Till’s neck and cuddle up to him.

“What are we now?” Christoph asks after some time.

“Does it matter?”

“I don’t know. I’m not going to tell the whole world about us but… just asking.”

“We’re together. You can give it a name if you want to.”

A shrug from Christoph must mean a “no” or something of that kind. Not that it’s super important, they are _together_ , and this is what counts. They don’t need to label it to be happy about it, to be happy with each other. They don’t even know if they will share it with Richard and Paul, they will see how their relationship with these two will develop. Maybe it won’t be just a business exchange-like thing, maybe it’ll turn into a friendship? Who knows? Maybe, and just maybe, Christoph’s “dream” of them becoming a gang of some sort will come true too?

“Till?”

“Hm?” He hums sleepily. “You probably want me to let you go because you want to have a shower, huh?”

“Actually, yes, this too.”

“Too? What’s there apart from the shower?” Till casts a curious glance at him.

“You’ve once said you’d tell me about the scars on your body…”

“Why did you remember that just now?”

“It looks like we’re having some deep confessions time, so I’m taking advantage of that… I mean, I won’t push you if you really don’t want to…”

“Oh, fine, you’ll be a pain in the ass if I don’t tell you,” Till sighs, amused.

“In fact, it’s you who’s been a pain in the ass.”

And the stories does he tell. As one could have assumed, his scars were self-inflicted, except for the one on his stomach, caused by an injury. In the shower, he even lets Christoph touch them, while he keeps telling the stories about his past, youth, childhood. Finally, Christoph thinks, Till has opened up more to him. The deep confessions time is surely there, making them drag the innermost memories and feelings outside. They don’t consider it too much, it just happens. They only sink in each other’s arms for long minutes, under the warm shower rain, keeping it calm and soft this time. After all, a plenty of things have happened recently and they just need some simple reality. Some quality together time. And when the other part of the plan is also done – they will surely have much more of it. 

They crave for it, it’s mutual, even though they don’t admit it too openly. They just feel it. They know it’s safe. They know it’s home.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think about my work in the comments, let me find out how's my writing! 
> 
> I'll try to publish chapters quite regularly, although it depends on how much free time I have.
> 
> My tumblr: thislovelyoptimist


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